When All is Said and Done
by Caritas O
Summary: After the events of the Star Forge, Ciara Orion (LS female Revan) and the crew of the Ebon Hawk try to get on with their lives. (I use in-game text, and these characters aren't exactly mine, but sometimes I wish... anyway, don't sue. Please.)
1. Third Degree

**1. Third Degree**

I had naively hoped the cheering would never end, that my crew and I could walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after, but reality got the better of me. Luckily for Bastila, we were taken to Coruscant, so she could visit her mother. It looked like we'd be stuck there for awhile, so Dustil flew out from Telos to catch up with Carth. For a split second, I thought we'd have normal lives, but after all that had happened, the people demanded to know whether or not their greatest enemy truly had become their greatest hero. Sure enough, one day, the crew and I were all seized and taken to Alderaan. I was used to being seized like this, being the Dark Lord and all, but it was weird when they split us all up and put us in solitary confinement. I was alone for the first time in months. I was to be "on trial," but it was more like an interrogation. Isolation guaranteed as little outside influence as possible. After each of us was done with our story, the powers that be would deliberate, analyzing and cross-examining our stories to excavate the absolute truth. I had to surrender all my hard-earned goods, even my armor, which had served as clothes for months. Luckily, this wasn't another underwear escapade: I got an enormous regulation tunic that was bright pink to let everyone know that I was a prisoner free of anything except her underwear, her ugly pink tunic, her cell, and her story.

From what I gathered, I had been in isolation for a day before my interrogation began. I was led to a panel of experts who ensured that I was "raw." They hooked me up to a dozen or so machines, explaining that these instruments measured my biological and emotional responses. I got a feeling they thought it was me, the evil genius, who had made my crew loyal to my seemingly good cause. Malak's words echoed in my head: "You always could inspire loyalty, Revan." I assumed a defensive stance from the beginning. Since I was too tethered down to walk, they put me in a cot on wheels that could be adjusted to a sitting position and wheeled me into the interrogation room.

The interrogation room was small and gray. The sterile smell corroded my nostrils. It took a few minutes to get used to.

"Revan," The interrogator wore a Republic uniform and had heaps of datapads, supposedly his notes. He pushed a button and I got the feeling I was being recorded.

"Ciara." I corrected. The interrogator cleared his throat. "I wish to be called Ciara, sir."

"Very well, Ciara. We would like some background from you, something about your character before the voyage, a biography if you will."

I sighed. "I – my life story is the voyage. I know you don't like that answer, but the truth is that I don't know much else about myself. I guess I was born on Deralia, but like I said, I don't remember."

_It was silent in the port quarters of the Hawk. Carth and I had been talking at length about Dustil and his wife, Morgana. After I period of silence, I said, "I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I kind of envy you."_

"_Why's that?" I couldn't see his face from across the dark room, but I could feel him watching me attentively._

"_You have memories of what you lost."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I don't remember anything at all after I was about seven. My memory kind of kicks back in around the time I started smuggling."_

"_Wow… I can't imagine…"_

_I cut him off, still musing. "Everything before Taris is like it's in a swamp. It's more than just foggy. I thought it was normal until I realized that my memories of Kashyyyk and Taris aren't like that. They're dim, sure, but they come back sometimes. Maybe your paranoia is rubbing off on me, but it seems like something happened that purposely muddied up my memory…"_

"I never really felt alive until I woke up on Taris and realized that my memories of the Endar Spire were dim, but not muddy." I explained, realizing I'd been reminiscing about my chats in the Ebon Hawk. I was surprised at how the interrogation made memories come flooding back. Maybe it was because I already missed company. Maybe isolation was in part to ensure I'd talk to the interrogator, but he wasn't exactly friendly.

"What caused you to feel this way?"

"I don't know." I hadn't expected this questioning of what I was allowed in terms of emotions. I always hated the part of the Jedi code that forbade them. I figured that if I could keep them under control, I'd be okay, and I'd been doing well so far. "Carth, I guess. I had an immediate reaction to him."

"So you're telling us a love story?" The interrogator raised an eyebrow.

"Of course it's about love. Any story that's worth telling is about love!" I tried not to yell. My day in isolation had left me feeling weak and helpless. "But no, it's not tear-jerkingly mushy. I didn't love him then, unless I really think about it…"

"Your emotions are clouding your story."

"My emotions ARE the story."

_There is no emotion…_ Damn, I hate that part.

"Of course the story is different now that I'm looking back on it, so I'll try to tell you how it was. I didn't love him. I was surprised that he saved me instead of going after Bastila. I was sure they had a thing going on. All he ever talked about was Bastila. I was getting sick of it, so I started asking him about himself."

"I'm not asking about the nature of your feelings for Commander Onasi." The interrogator interrupted. "I'm asking what happened on Taris." _He doesn't believe me, does he? He thinks I'm evil and incapable of love._ I expected the instruments to spike because I may have been getting angry. I was frustrated. I just wanted to get this over with. I wanted to go back to my friends and talk about what we'd do next, but I knew I couldn't, not without telling him the story. Of course, I thought the beginning was kind of boring without knowing what eventually happened. And parts of it I didn't feel I could tell…

"_Smooth talking." Carth remarked as I pulled some Sith armor out a backpack. He was stepping over a passed-out Sith._

"_What can I say? I'm good at what I do." I tossed him a mischievous look. He looked away. "Alright, so I'll put this stuff on and you'll be my prisoner. Are you sure we shouldn't mug them?"_

"_Ciara, if we rummage through their clothes, the entire Sith fleet on this planet will be hunting us down." I scowled at him. I wanted some more credits. I had a habit of being too generous, and I had a feeling we'd need medpacs or something. I was a trouble magnet._

"_Isn't that the point? Now let's go. Forget I said anything about mugging them. Have you ever thought about knocking on their helmets?" I asked innocently._

"_So you're passive-aggressively evil?" Carth smirked. He had thought of it. I smiled. _

"_I am not evil!" My voice was shriller than I expected._

"_Shush, you'll wake sleeping beauties."_

"_Just for that, I get the armor and you get to be the slave."_

"_Prisoner." Carth corrected. "I'm not a slave."_

"_Slave. I'm the master here."_

I gulped, remembering my words. Had Carth realized that I, Darth Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith, had unintentionally revealed myself? Good thing they didn't ask about Carth when we descended into the Lower City. I was glad I'd kept my mouth shut before I said something about me as a Sith taking slaves. I would have kicked myself for weeks.

"You put quite a bit of emphasis on your good deeds." The interrogator said. _That's because I want you to understand that I'm not evil._

"I felt like I needed to do them." I stated. "There was so much evil there and I thought that maybe I could make a difference."

"There is only so much an individual can do." The interrogator stated. His voice was flat and cold. "And by helping them, you may have hurt them in the long run. They may come to depend on the generosity of strangers."

"Your concern is noted." I clenched my teeth. I was proud of my self-control. "However, I doubt that these people came to rely on generosity. Taris was not a place teeming with kindness."

"True."

"And it was destroyed by the Sith after I left, but I'm getting ahead of myself."

The interrogator nodded. He apparently had forgotten the minor detail of Taris' destruction. He was more interested in criticizing my actions. I sighed. This is what the people wanted, wasn't it?

I breezed through the events on Taris: the gang wars, the swoop races, the duels. I spent more time on my impressions of Mission, Big Z, Canderous, and the relationships emerging between us. I told him about Mission's brother, and of course he told me that was off-topic. So I moved on, telling him how we broke into the Sith base, how we stole the Ebon Hawk, and headed to Dantooine.

"As we left, I saw the Sith bombing Taris and I hoped that the Outcasts had made it to the Promised Land. I hoped the Promised Land wasn't burned to the ground. Those people deserved to live." I felt tears welling up. Dammit, I don't cry. I hate crying. I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and kept talking.

The rest of the story fell into place the same way. I wanted to talk more about the people I'd come to love over the time we'd been together. I spent my days in questioning with my new antagonist and my nights trying to get used to sleeping with wires all over me while reminiscing over the events of the voyage. I'd been out there for about six months or a year, I figured. I sucked at keeping track of time, especially out in space, where it gets pretty difficult. Remembering my friends made me worry about them. I missed Jolee's stories, Juhani's random flights of emotion, HK's pleads for me to get violent, Big Z's strong but silent presence, T3's beeping even though he never told me anything, Bastila's lectures and attempts to lighten up, Canderous' epic stories of heroism, Mission's optimism, and Carth. I didn't miss anything in particular about him except pretty much everything, as cliché as it sounds. _Are you going soft on me?_ Canderous' voice echoed in my head. Telling the story brought flashes of memories to the surface. I wanted to talk about it with someone who was there. I wanted to sit around with everyone in a cantina, laughing and talking with everyone about what had really happened from each of our perspectives. I had a hard time seeing the tale as linear. It had too many subplots to be the simple answer they wanted. I decided to forget about what the interrogator thought and tell it my way. I gave a little, but there were things I wouldn't budge on.

"Must you tell about this?" He sighed, listening to my account of leaving the Star Forge.

"Yes." I replied. "Look, I'm almost done, and this is important to me." I took a deep breath. At least I wasn't telling him about every door I passed. He should be grateful.

_The doors opened and I saw the Ebon Hawk. Carth looked like he was sweating bullets. He immediately wanted to know what had happened. Bastila was there, to my surprise. Jolee and Carth must have taken her back while I fought Malak. I was never happier to see that ship in my life._

"_You did it!" Carth flung his arms around me._

"_We did it." I corrected._

"_Come on, guys!" Mission called from the ramp. "We've got to get out of here!" I wanted a moment to think, but it'd have to be aboard the ship. Carth tended to the transmission from Admiral Dodonna. I headed toward the crew quarters to rest. Canderous had wrapped Bastila in my large blanket and was tending to her in the medical bay. I hardly thought twice about it until I realized that he had been rocking her gently, like one would a child, reassuring her. I froze in my tracks. It all made sense now – they had crossed the line between love and hate. They had always stood in close proximity with each other, even if they did bicker all the time. How had I overlooked it? No wonder Canderous was afraid of getting sentimental. I stood in the corridor, perplexed._

"_You're a bit slow, Ciara." Mission giggled._

"_Hey," I smiled, snapping out of my trance. "Enjoy my moments of revelation."_

"_I do! You had the weirdest look on your face." Mission smiled._

"_How long has this been happening?" I whispered._

"_Oh, since they met." She shrugged. "You didn't know?"_

"_Well," I began._

"_Right, you were busy." She winked and walked off._

"That was vital to my understanding of you?" The interrogator was annoyed.

"Sure," I said. "It takes me awhile to catch on to things." I wanted to extrapolate on it, but decided it would be best to keep my mouth shut and reminisce about something he'd never understand…

"_You think this is funny, don't you?" Carth asked, his voice slightly distorted through the Mandalorian helmet. It was a stupid question. I was rolling on the ground laughing._

"_What's so funny?" Juhani was puzzled. "I'm glad to see you laughing after all that's happened, but we still have to go into that temple and—"_

"_You need to show Canderous!" I managed to gasp through fits of laughter. "He'd kill you!"_

"_I'd rather not." Carth's tone was light._

"_Come on, you have to try to pretend you're a Mandalorian to see what he'd do!" I challenged._

"_He'd kill me." Carth repeated flatly. "Can I take this damn armor off?" I laughed harder._

"_No… just go up to Canderous and give him your soldier speech." I dared. "In full Mandalorian armor."_

"_I look ridiculous." Carth took the helmet off. "I don't know how they do it." I almost rolled over a gizka laughing. Sand was getting in my robes, but I didn't care. "Oh, you barely missed a pile of rancor dung!" Carth pointed. I stopped laughing and looked. Darkness flashed, and suddenly my head was in a metal box. I looked at Carth through the slit in the helmet. "Alright, Mandalorian head, let's get back to business."_

"_Whatever you say, Republic sissy." I enjoyed hearing my voice Mandalorian style._

"_Cut it out or you'll get the armor too." Carth threatened._

"So that was after you defeated Darth Malak?" The interrogator was still slightly irritated, but hopeful.

"Yes." I replied. The time had gone by more quickly than I'd anticipated. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No," The interrogator smiled. "I'll prepare you for release." My heart leapt with joy.

"Is everyone else done?" I asked as someone who'd barely entered began stripping my forehead of their artificial head-tails.

"Yes," The interrogator replied. "You took the longest. You're quite a chatterbox, Ms. Orion." Wow, he was almost teasing me. "You were talking for two weeks."

"Sorry for keeping you." I smiled apologetically, but the nurse had rolled me onto my stomach to take off more wires. With every one that was removed, I could almost taste freedom. It was exhilarating. "I must have annoyed you half to death."

"You're certainly… entertaining." Now this was the interrogator I knew.

"What happens now?" I asked as the last wires were removed. I was still in the ugly pink tunic. I was looking forward to real clothes.

"You can't have your weaponry back just yet," he began. "But you're free to reunite with your friends. The verdict will be delivered this evening." At my look of puzzlement, he added, "It's currently very early in the morning."

The nurse smiled reassuringly. "You're free to go." I jumped up, forgetting that I hadn't walked in two weeks, and found myself on the ground. At least I still had my clumsiness. I abandoned the idea of clinging to one of my last shreds of dignity and roamed around the city in my pink tunic. I realized that I hardly remembered where I was or where the Hawk had landed. My legs were weak and tense. I wandered through the city and found nothing but shops and people giving me strange looks. Finally, I found my way to the docks, only to find that the Hawk was somewhere closer to the Jedi compound. _Figures, I was there three hours ago._ My legs ached, but I had to get back. I had to see the others. I focused my mind on seeing my friends again and my steps lightened. I left the city and headed toward the Council's compound. On a fairly empty plain a quarter mile west of the compound, I saw my ship. My heart leapt for joy. I couldn't believe I was back, but something seemed different at first. It was weird strolling up to my ship like nothing had ever happened, but knowing better. My musings were interrupted, which was something I was grateful to have back.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people rock my face off!**


	2. Reunion

**2. Reunion**

"CIARA!" Mission screamed, running up to me. Maybe things weren't so different after all. We threw our arms around each other.

"How are you holding up?" I looked at her closely. She looked older, somehow.

"I'm doing pretty good." Mission sighed. "We're all still waiting to see how the trial thing will go."

"Are you worried?" I furrowed my brow.

"A little." Mission admitted. "Don't tell anyone though."

"I won't." I grinned. I loved talking to Mission. She was like the teenager I never was.

"Guess what?"

"What?" I missed being excited about things that didn't involve removing wires from my person.

"They're having a party for us!" She exclaimed. "They're announcing the result of the trial there. It won't be huge, like the coming home tours, but it's still a party!"

"Does that mean we have to get dressed up?" Those beige Jedi dress robes with the ugly loincloth thing looked stupid. I wanted none of them.

"You bet!" She grinned. "You don't have to wear robes, though. You could get a dress!" Now this was uncharted territory. Me, dressing like a woman?

"Hey kid!" A gruff voice came from the boarding ramp. "Stop hogging her."

"Hide!" Mission half-whispered to me. "Hurry, or everyone will pile themselves on you. I know you don't think you'd mind, but just think of how much Big Z eats…" I laughed.

"You're forgetting Canderous."

"I don't know how well Carth would take him jumping on you…" Mission grinned mischievously. "You have to tell me what's happened…" She glanced at the ramp, "later when everyone's not here. I want to know!"

"You've got a deal, sister." My voice became muffled in Big Z's fur. "Whoa there, Z, don't break my ribs!"

"Sorry." He replied. "I was just afraid I'd have to break in there and…"

"Yeah, I was about to call you guys to do it, too." I felt so happy; I was on the verge of tears. "It's great to see you again. Did they hook you up to all these instruments?" I had wondered how Z would take the prodding.

"They had to sedate me first." Z replied. "I imagine you weren't too happy about it either. They treated me like an animal! They didn't understand Wookiee culture and my life-debt."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Z. They didn't understand much about me either." This was the most Big Z had talked to me since Kashyyyk. I didn't mind at all.

"Move it, Wookiee!" A big voice bellowed. I fought the tears from my eyes and smiled warmly.

"What do you want, Mandalorian?" I couldn't believe Canderous wasn't helping the fact that I was choking up. He hugged me hard.

"I want to talk to someone who doesn't discount the fact that I'm a superior warrior!" He declared, pulling away. We both looked pretty confused, having just hugged.

"Have you been talking to Bastila again?" I joked. Canderous tried to hide his reaction. I tried not to laugh at him. It was best to let him think he could get away with things like this.

"The Jedi princess? Hah!" He laughed. "Talking at her is more like it. No, I was talking about your lover boy. He treats me like I'm a barbarian or something."

"Speaking of Carth…" I started. My heart leapt with hope, only to be crushed by no one other than…

"Placation: Don't worry, Master, he's coming. The other Jedi have ensured that he goes last so he doesn't interrupt the 'flow' of your homecoming."

"Nice to see you, HK." I sighed. T3 beeped a greeting. "You too, T3."

"You've got to learn patience, kid." Jolee stepped forward and hugged me. "Good things come to those who wait."

"And sometimes old coots forget that people have been in solitary confinement with only a skeptical interrogator for the past two weeks or so." Jolee chuckled reassuringly.

"A few more minutes won't kill you." He smiled. "You know, I've missed having you around. No one else will listen to an old man…"

"It seems I'm the only one who listens around here." I laughed.

"You hadn't figured that out before?" Juhani asked. Jolee stepped aside.

"How have you been?" My tone turned to concern. She looked completely worn out.

"It has been difficult." She sighed. "The interrogation brought up many hard feelings. The interrogator was not too forgiving about my fall."

"If your interrogator was anything like mine, I say forget what he thinks." I reassured. "He probably has bantha manure for brains." She laughed.

"Such vindictive words lead to the dark side." A voice came from behind Juhani. Bastila stood, smiling. My mouth was agape. It wasn't that I hadn't expected a lecture, it was that—

"I'm joking." Bastila laughed.

"I know! I'm shocked!" I joined her. She, Juhani, and I stood in a small circle, looking at each other: the three prodigal knights. I had been at these women's sides every day since I had met them, but had never felt this close to them until we were all in the same boat: all fallen, all redeemed, and all interrogated until we thought we'd go mad. If they were wearing anything remotely as ugly as what I had on, I think we would've been bonded for life.

"Good thing you're laughing now, it may not happen again." Juhani's eyebrow rose. Bastila squealed in protest. I felt so at ease, so free. I was able to joke around with Bastila, of all people. I tried to hold back my desire to see Carth again. _What's a few more minutes?_ Jolee's words echoed in my mind. I relaxed and enjoyed my time with my newfound sisters. Mission managed to sneak her way into our circle, but we didn't mind. She was a little sister to everyone.

"The Council told me their fear of my turning to the dark side is greatly lessened." Juhani stated, proud.

"You got to talk to them?" I asked, astonished.

"As did I. Apparently they wanted Juhani and I to be rehabilitated." Bastila explained. "If you were not sent to the Council, I think it's because they think you have done the job yourself."

"Not by myself." I said. I guess an element of unintended dreaminess crept into my voice, because Mission interjected:

"Aww, how cute."

"It was all of you." I blushed. _You said you'd protect me, flyboy. Where are you now that I'm getting ruthlessly teased?_

"So, what are you guys doing now?" Juhani asked me. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Get married, get an apartment with a couple droids and breed like gizka." Mission answered.

"I don't know." I answered, looking straight at Mission. "I don't know what I'm ready for. Besides, I haven't even seen Carth since…"

Bastila looked up at the ramp and patted my back quickly. "Okay, keep it quick. The party is in two hours and you have to get ready." I didn't waste any time asking her what she was talking about. Without looking, I ran toward the Hawk, stepping on Big Z's foot on the way. His yelp distracted me and I tripped over the ramp landing flat on my face.

Carth laughed. "Great entrance, beautiful."

"Shut up, monkey-lizard." I lifted myself off the ramp. My nose was bleeding. Great. Carth took out a handkerchief and pinched my nose with it. "You think you could've done any better?"

"Tilt your nose forward." He instructed. "Good thing it's not broken."

"Yeah." I said as best as I could. "How're you doing?"

"He's been irritatingly mopey." Canderous answered.

"I'm fine." Carth said firmly.

"I still believe him." I smiled.

"Look," he started, "maybe you shouldn't talk too much until your nose stops bleeding."

"I can talk just fine."

"I know. But this gives me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to talk to you without interruption by annoying questions." His eyes gleamed.

"Dammit." I muttered.

He laughed. "I missed you." His head tilted toward mine and he began stroking my hair. "I haven't really talked to you since…"

"Break it up, lovers." Jolee shouted. "We have to make Ciara presentable and it could take awhile." I glared at him.

"We'll get a chance to talk later." Carth reassured. "I just wanted to tell you that having to tell this whole story made me realize a few things…"

"Come on!" Mission yelled.

"One second!" I yelled back. "We're at a good part!" Carth laughed. "Well?" I asked pryingly.

"I realized that you were the only one that had ever really listened to me. Thanks."

"That's it?" I was incredulous. My nose had stopped bleeding. "I'm the only one that's listened to anybody!"

"We have to go." He winked. "You have to get presentable and that could take awhile."

"I hate you." I smiled. He hugged me tight. I began to cry again.

"Go on, get ready before you mess up my favorite jacket."

"How could I mess up that thing?" I scoffed. "It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen!"

"Have you seen your underwear?" He retorted. I blushed.

"I'll get you for that one." I said under my breath.

"I'm counting on it." He smiled. He hadn't smiled through the entire voyage, except to tease me, but this smile was different. He hadn't been happy most of the time, I supposed. It was nice to see him actually smile.

I began to walk toward town with the girls, but I turned around. "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you." He looked curious. "I missed you too."

"All right, no more talking." Juhani yanked me back onto the road. "We have serious work to do."

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people light up my life!**


	3. Serious Work to Do

**3. Serious Work to Do**

"You guys are making me nervous." I confessed.

"Look, you've been at war for months." Bastila, of all people, chided. "You've let yourself go a bit. And we all know that it's not for lack of someone to impress." I noticed that Bastila had an aura around her, which was weird considering it came from Canderous.

"Do I really look that bad?" I asked.

"Yes." Mission smiled. She knew I wouldn't get mad at her. She was too cute. Damn her. "You've got to go from this to looking like a princess, and we only have a few hours to do it." I wondered what she meant by "this," then I remembered the pink interrogation tunic and the fact that I desperately needed a shower. Sure, I'd need something to wear, but that wouldn't take hours to find.

"Oh, it's more than that." Bastila assured.

"Yeah, we definitely need to do something about your hair." Juhani pointed. "It looks a little too dark to be natural."

"I noticed that." I started. It was almost blue-black, a color I didn't see in nature. It had begun fading and got a little dirty and waxy from the trip, but I thought that was nothing a shower wouldn't fix. I was wrong. They pulled me into a salon. Mission pointed to my roots, which were much lighter than the rest of my scraggly hair. I was stunned at what my hair looked like: it was halfway down my back and did, I admit, look like a poorly-groomed Wookiee had hacked up a hairball and glued it to my head. The stylist nodded and got out scarier looking instruments than the interrogation had involved. I cringed. Mission coached me through it, since she didn't exactly have hair. Juhani got her topknot groomed and Bastila got a nice trim, but it was nothing like the torture implements I had on my hair. I suppose I could have brushed it more often, but I had been a very busy woman with no time for her hair. I closed my eyes, afraid to see what the stylist was doing to me, and a while later I had manageable brown hair. It had a kind of soft wave to it, but the stylist turned the wave into full-on curls. I hardly recognized myself.

"See, now your hair has highlights." Mission beamed. "Black hair never really suited you."

"Maybe it was a hint to my true identity." Bastila looked like she was being strangled. "Sorry, Bastila. I'm still trying to cope and humor helps." She smiled forgivingly.

"I never understood that." She shook her head. "No time now, let's go."

The really fun part was picking out clothes. The four of us had far too much fun being girls for once. We joked around, daring each other to find uglier or more scandalous outfits, and then daring each other to wear them.

Mission tried to fill me in on what had happened while Juhani deliberated over a dress for Bastila, but I was unable to catch much before they got back within earshot. Finally, Mission pulled me aside and whispered, "Canderous and Bastila are kind of hooking up. I've caught them a couple times. It's not pretty."

"WHAT!" I shrieked. Mission slapped a hand over my mouth and thrust a dress in my arms.

"Go try this on and let it sink in." She grinned mischievously.

Of all unlikely couples, Bastila and Canderous? I couldn't believe it. They were so… _perfect for each other_. No wonder I'd been getting weird vibes through the bond with Bastila. I wondered if that's what kissing was like. Did I really want to experience kissing through Bastila? With Canderous, of all people? Even though I did kiss Canderous once, before his duel with Jagi, I was still a little weirded out. I had kissed him on the cheek, though. It seemed fitting, even though it was less stimulating than kissing a droid would've been.

I tried on dress after dress. I wasn't used to clothes that weren't ugly tunics or tight pants for battle. I thought I looked ridiculous, and I was still getting used to having hair instead of a mane. Mission had insisted that I leave it down. I was itching to pull it back, like I was used to, but I wanted to look good. Putting it up again would be returning to the norm, which wasn't right for a party, I reluctantly had to admit. That wasn't the worst of it. I wasn't allowed to touch it very much. I could be very tactile and I was still intrigued by how my hair felt.

Juhani was the first to find something to wear: a stunning floor-length gown that was fitted to her waist. It had a halter top, which accentuated her toned arms and back. It sparkled a yellow-gold like her eyes. The skirt flared a bit, but not too much, showing off her figure. I realized how beautiful she was. So this is what I was supposed to look like? Stunning? I had major doubts. Mission selected something classier and more modest: a knee-length black dress that was fitted without being too tight. It was sleeveless like a tunic, but it wasn't going to cause any scandals. Bastila's gown was light peach, with a billowy skirt. The bodice was embellished with delicate lace. She wore a shawl that gathered around her forearms like sleeves, the folds fastened with decorative pearls. It looked very homely on the rack, and it may have been, had she not worn the shawl so it only covered her forearms, leaving her upper arms and shoulders bare. Of course, I couldn't decide on my gown. I didn't really understand what I should look like.

"What about green? I like green." I offered weakly.

"But green isn't you, not tonight." Juhani sighed. "You need something else, something more dramatic. Stop that." She swatted my hand away from my hair. "It'll get oily."

"Why don't we just pick something out for you?" Bastila was resigned. "We don't have much time."

"All right, but I get veto power." My offer was neither confirmed nor denied. I was shoved into a dressing room and ordered to strip down to my underwear. I realized that I needed some new underwear. As if she heard my thoughts, Mission asked me what size bra I wore. Apparently I'd need a new one. I tried on a simple white strapless bra that Mission tossed over the side.

"It fits!" I called.

"Keep it on and wait a second." Mission replied. I heard her and Juhani talking about something, but I couldn't hear. A few minutes later, Mission came in and clapped her hands over my eyes. Bastila and Juhani pulled me into some kind of contraption that rustled a lot. Laces were pulled, strings were tied, and I wondered if I would ever escape. "Can I look yet?"

"No." Bastila said firmly as my bodice was adjusted. I stood there, arms sticking out at odd angles, anxiously awaiting my destiny.

"How am I going to get back into this?" I asked, astonished.

"You won't have time. We'll buy it and you'll leave in it." Juhani said matter-of-factly.

"Do I get to see what I look like first?" Mission's palms were getting sweaty.

"Maybe." Juhani's voice betrayed a grin. It was torture. I wanted to watch my transformation so maybe I wouldn't faint if I saw someone else in the mirror.

"Alright, there." Bastila said tentatively. Mission's hands lifted. My eyes stayed closed as I took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes, I couldn't believe what I saw. My crimson dress was sleeveless and made me look very feminine. The bodice was fitted, but not tight. It was reinforced with boning to make the lines smooth and decorated with gold cord. As I stared, Juhani arranged my hair so it fell over my shoulders. My skirt shimmered slightly and didn't pouf out as much as Bastila's, but wasn't as tight as Juhani's, making my boyish figure look less boyish. Mission lifted my feet into sandals and tied me into them. They were a darker, browner color than my dress. I was surprised that they didn't hurt. I was under the impression that shoes were supposed to be painful. I much preferred running around barefoot, but I never got to. Mission ran to the clerk and paid for our wares while Bastila powdered my face with some weird stuff that made me look pale and innocent. The bags under my eyes vanished. Juhani tugged my hair into doing her will. Mission tugged at my arm.

"Hurry or we'll be late!" I put a hand up to my hair. Juhani had pulled half of it up into a loose bun and decorated it with the cord that embellished my gown. Bastila swatted my hand and I put it back at my side.

"Am I supposed to look like this?" I stammered, hurrying toward a small crowd gathered outside a building, where the party was.

"Of course!" Mission giggled. "You've got a man to impress." I caught Bastila blushing out of the corner of my eye. She had obviously spent her share of time fussing over her own hair, which had been twisted into an intricate crown on top of her head. Juhani was looking after her looks as Mission was mine. "Oh, we found Griff!" Mission exclaimed. "He may come along with us, if that's okay with you. Maybe you could put him to work."

I laughed. "Maybe." As we entered the party, my attention focused on a figure that was strangely familiar, yet not.

"Ciara!" He exclaimed and drew nearer. "It's so nice to see you under happier circumstances!"

"Dustil!" I hugged him gently. "You look like you're doing very well." I released him. He looked like his father. "I'm glad to see you again."

"Father and I got the chance to talk a little bit after his interrogation." Dustil grinned. "He seems very happy. I haven't seen him like that… in years, if ever. Thank you."

I blushed. "I'm glad you two got a chance to catch up."

"Me too. I'm considering joining the military, like he did."

"Just make sure you're doing what you want. If he pressures you, he'll have me to answer to." Dustil laughed.

"You look wonderful." He said softly. "Anyway, I'm sure Father's looking for you." His attention shifted. "Mission! How great to see you again!"

"Sithboy!" She exclaimed mockingly.

"Don't call me that!" Dustil narrowed his eyes. I tried not to laugh. Bastila was staring at me.

"I wonder who that reminds me of…" Bastila mused.

"Oh hush. So, I wonder where Canderous is…" I said mischievously. She turned as red as my dress. I was grateful for the practice I'd had arguing with Carth. I never thought it would come in handy except against him, but I could use it against Bastila. Juhani laughed and exchanged a knowing glance with me.

"Mission told you, then?" She whispered.

"Yeah, I only wish I knew sooner." I tried not to look at Bastila, who seemed to let us gossip. "How much has happened? Mission said she saw something—"

"I am not sure." Juhani's accent lilted her words. "There is no time to speak of it now." Would there ever be time to speak of it? I thought my life would slow down after the voyage, but it looked like it was about to go out of control again. I thought I'd be able to deal with things speeding around me, but I wanted a break. The interrogation had given me time to think and I'd begun to get used to it.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people inspire me to spend many sleepless nights writing/editing!**


	4. Party Time

**4. Party Time**

"Jolee!" Bastila exclaimed, pulling Juhani and me into the conversation. "You look dashing!"

"For an old man." He added, brushing off his beige dress robes. Even if he didn't embrace the Jedi Order, he embraced their fashion.

"That was implied." I chimed in.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the trio of unstoppable redeemed Jedi." He grinned. "And you all look stunning." He bowed and kissed each of our right hands in turn. "I know you'd love to spend all evening being charmed by me, but I believe some others are looking for you, Miss Shan, Miss Orion." Juhani bowed her head and excused herself to speak to some friends. I wondered if she and Jolee had this planned out. Jolee wedged himself between Bastila and me, took both our arms, and paraded around the room like a Tarisian pimp. I was nervous, but Bastila looked calm. I was slightly jealous, which soon subsided.

"Enjoying yourself?" Canderous asked from his predictable spot near the bar.

"Quite a bit." Jolee beamed. "It's not every day that I'm in the company of such radiant ladies."

"Except for the past few months." I corrected.

"Mind if I take one of them off your hands?" Canderous was being polite, which completely confused me. He took Bastila's other arm and led her off. Why was Carth always last? I began to get even more nervous, not to mention really jealous of Bastila. What if he didn't recognize me? After all, I did look different.

"Calm down, there." Jolee turned his head to look at me. "He's just nervous. I should parade you around for awhile while he gets the nerve to talk to you." Stupid mind-reading Jedi.

"Why would he be nervous about talking to me?" I asked. I didn't feel like utilizing the formalities of the party, like taking arms and asking indirect questions.

"I couldn't tell you." Jolee smiled. "I don't think anything's wrong, you two just have to catch up a bit."

"But why is he nervous?" I had a feeling Jolee knew something, and I was going to get it out of him.

"Why are you?"

"Damn." I hadn't counted on that, even though I should have seen it coming. "You got me there."

"Back when I was training Nayama, I was nervous like you kids are…" Jolee began. I stopped listening, but I'm sure Jolee wasn't offended. I got the feeling he was making the story up to see how much I'd listen to. I focused my attention on the faces we passed as we circled the room, greeting members of the Council and important Republic emissaries. I anxiously scanned the crowd. Canderous and Bastila were standing quite close to each other. Mission and Dustil were chatting merrily, with T3 in tow. Big Z had found the refreshments and was gleefully helping himself to sevenths. He was enjoying being a Wookiee – no one would tell him to stop it. Juhani was standing in a large group of Jedi, laughing and talking. I could tell that many of them were impressed with her outfit. Maybe it was just me, but love was in the air and I couldn't handle not getting any. "I can't do this anymore." I hissed to Jolee after the umpteenth circle. "I'm going outside." Without waiting for a reply, I slid my arm out of his and headed for the double doors to the balcony and stepped into the cool, reassuring night.

"Greeting: Good evening, Master. You look delightful." HK-47 stated. I heard T3 rolling up behind me.

"Just the droids I need." I sighed, leaning on my elbow on the stone railing.

"Query: Why are you so down, Master? Are there meatbags for me to blast?"

"No. I'm just confused. I want to know what's going on."

"Placation: Perhaps I have something that could help?"

"What is it?" HK plugged a datapad into T3, who projected a scene aboard the Ebon Hawk. I was about to ask what it was when it began.

"Damn them!" Canderous was obviously irritated. "And I thought that woman drove me crazy!"

Carth laughed. "We can tell."

"Deal with it, Canderous, you love her." Jolee chuckled.

"Wait, are you saying I'm going soft like Pretty Boy over there?" Canderous raged, pointing at Carth.

"Love isn't going soft." Jolee's voice betrayed his words. "It's just looking out for someone else."

"Well I've been looking out for Revan."

"Ciara." Carth stated. "And you know she doesn't need your looking out for her."

"Whatever. I've been looking out for her, but I don't love her."

"Alright, can you tell me, honestly, that having her aboard does nothing for you?" Carth challenged.

"What do you mean?" Canderous' gaze shifted. "Not that I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm not like you, Republic. I could handle both of 'em at once." Carth opened his mouth defensively, but was interrupted.

Mission laughed. "I don't know about that. You guys seem pretty similar to me."

"Only I'm not whipped." Canderous shot at Carth.

"At least I'm man enough to admit it." Carth's tone was challenging.

"Why don't you two handle this like soldiers?" Juhani suggested. The men turned to her, forgetting she'd been there. "Go to the cantina and talk it out over some drinks. HK, go with them to make sure they don't kill each other."

"Affirmative: if you say so, surrogate female Jedi to Master."

Canderous looked at Carth. "Aren't you going to sigh at the mention of your beloved?"

"Can it."

Static clouded the transmission. "Is that it?" I asked.

"Irritated reply: No, Master, I simply stopped recording while we walked to the cantina in awkward silence." The static cleared into an image of the two men at a cantina.

"All right, so what if I do?" Canderous' voice was resigned and tipsy. He was sitting at the bar, sipping a glass of ale. He had already downed a few, judging by the glasses in front of him. "What do I do?"

"Well, you can always get an apartment with a couple droids and breed like gizka." Carth suggested, not sounding too sober himself.

"But I don't want to settle down." Canderous stated. "Not that I don't like the idea about the breeding part." He laughed approvingly.

"Is that all you can think about? Maybe Jolee was wrong. Maybe you just want her." Carth mused, sipping his drink.

"Hey, this isn't like another conquest, you know? Those were women. She's a lady."

"Ciara?"

"No, the other one." Canderous gulped down his ale. "Although she sure has a nice body on her, and I did consider…"

"The other one?"

"Revan."

"Ciara. And you wanted to—"

Canderous laughed. "That was only at the beginning when she actually started talking to me, unlike the snobby Jedi princess."

"You're not complaining about it now." Carth smiled. "And she hasn't changed."

"And you're letting me get away with turning your woman into an object of desire?"

"First of all, I can't say I blame you. Second, I don't own her. To tell the truth, I'd rather not. It'd make things a lot less interesting."

"Oh?" Canderous was interested. "This seems a little out of character for a conqueror."

"I am not a conqueror, remember? The speech I tell myself so I can sleep at night?" Carth laughed.

"If it helps you sleep." Canderous chuckled and gulped more ale. "So you don't seek to win?"

"I used to, before I was married. I was a kid then. That was long ago…" Carth's voice trailed off.

"To be young again…" Canderous mused. "Am I too old for her? The other one?"

"She has a name, you know." Carth laughed. "And I don't think so. Jolee is, but he isn't hitting on her, now is he?"

"If he was, I'd snap his neck." Canderous threatened. "Hey, what would you do if I told you that Ciara and I…"

"I'd snap your neck." Carth stated flatly. "Why?"

"Well, at the beginning, like I was telling you…"

"What did you do?" Carth exclaimed. He was getting angry. He'd told me I'd be able to tell when he got angry, and he was right.

"Nothing!" Canderous retorted. "I just wondered what would happen if you and I'd had to duke it out, you know, not that I want to now."

"You know I'd win." Carth challenged.

"If it helps you sleep at night." Canderous dismissed his challenge.

"She'd pluck your eyes out with her bare hands."

"So, you're into the savage kinds, huh?" Canderous couldn't resist being bawdy.

"I like them better than snobby Jedi princesses."

"I thought I did too." There was a lull in the conversation that was filled with drink. It was funny how much ale loosened Canderous up. I'd never be able to get him to admit to this conversation, not even with the holo as proof. I was surprised at how he and Carth were almost getting along. They'd been at each others' throats throughout the voyage.

"So how'd it happen? You hated each other." Carth asked after a while. I couldn't help but be amused at how the drink was affecting their voices, slurring their speech.

"Well, at first, she really got on my nerves. She refused to trust me and insulted me. She thought she was so much better than me, you know? Well, then I got used to it. It didn't bother me anymore. When we met her mother on Tattooine, I thought, 'So this is what aged princesses look like.' I think then I realized…"

"Cute." Carth taunted.

"That she wouldn't age well." Canderous shot back. "I didn't think I liked her any more than I appreciated her looks – she really has a better figure than Ciara does – and her combat skills until Mission started making fun of me."

"I know how that goes." Carth rolled his eyes. "Was this after the Leviathan?"

"Yeah. She, I mean Mission, teased me on Manaan, asking me how I thought she'd look next to the ocean. I mean, how Bastila would look."

"It wouldn't hurt to have a backdrop like that…" Carth mused.

"Don't rub it in." Canderous' eyes flickered, betraying a bit of jealousy. "You got to spend time with her—with Ciara I mean—in these gorgeous places. I got ripped off." He sighed and muttered something about too many women onboard as he took another gulp of ale. "I hated her for too long."

"Do you think I was savoring the scenery with her on Dantooine? I hated her and Bastila both for keeping me in the dark."

"Observation:" HK began. A loud thud and static suggested that Canderous had whacked him on the head.

"So what do I do about it?" He asked.

"Well, first you acknowledge that you love her, then you tell her. You can't be too direct about it though, or she might get scared."

"Sounds like setting her up," Canderous observed, "like manipulating the battle so it'd be won without honor."

"It's not like that." Carth retorted. "Damn you Mandalorians. It's not a battle. It's hard to explain, but winning a woman makes her into a possession, a— trophy, which is fine, if that's what you want. But I think you and I both don't want trophies."

"We could have trophies in every spaceport." The men laughed and each took long, self-congratulatory gulps of their drinks.

"It wouldn't work either, because they're both stubborn and independent and…" Carth mused.

"We're pathetic." Canderous spat.

"I'm just trying to keep you from ruining it with Bastila."

"I won't ruin it. I'm twice the man you are."

"If it helps you sleep at night." Carth smiled. "So, do you have a plan?" Canderous thought for a minute.

"What are they doing, keeping them like that?" Canderous fumed, bringing his right fist down on the table.

"I don't know, but if they don't let 'em go," Carth never finished.

"Statement: That is the end of the transmission, Master."

"HK, I never told you to spy on him." I exclaimed. "I know – I could have told you to stop playback, but…"

"Placation: Don't worry, Master, I won't tell your love interest that you were pining. I thought you might be interested in what they were doing, especially since it involved you and you were moping."

"Thanks, HK." I sighed. "So there's no more?"

"Amusement: I didn't think you were that pathetic, Master."

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were laughing at me, HK."

"Placation: Oh no, Master! I would never laugh at you!"

"All right, now what should I do?" I asked.

"Suggestion: Perhaps you should go back inside, Master. Your love interest may be looking for you." I couldn't help but laugh. I turned around and went back inside. The exchange was funny, but it only assured me that Canderous and Bastila were becoming a solid couple and that the Mandalorian got kicks out of teasing Carth. I didn't know what exactly I'd wanted, though. A confession would be too dramatic, and I'd rather that it was directed at me, not my assassin droid. I wandered around the party some more, looking for Carth, but he was nowhere to be found. I found myself wanting to ask Canderous where he was. I laughed softly, realizing that these two sworn enemies had become friends. I spoke diplomatically with every member of the Council, each assuring me that I would be found completely reformed and asking what I planned to do next. I wished I could have told them, or at least bounced the idea of marriage off them, but I wasn't going to do so without having first being sure of what would happen with Carth. _Maybe I don't recognize him,_ I wondered. The thought of the two of us looking for each other and only finding a stranger who looked somewhat familiar didn't seem so farfetched. Finally, I gave up looking by myself. I was about to go outside again and hope HK had more information, but I ran into Jolee, who was charming some women.

"Have you seen Carth?" I asked politely, realizing I should try not to be too straightforward after the words came out. I probably should have said "Commander Onasi" or something. At least I hadn't called Jolee a dirty old man, although I was tempted.

"You know, I haven't." He mused. "Odd."

"Thanks." My voice was taut. Insecurity started setting in. What if he'd stayed back, if he'd decided to run off… My mind was racing and my heart was trying to keep up. I walked up the grand staircase to the promenade, trying to look self-assured and more graceful than usual. I strolled along, looking at the couples dancing below. Dustil and Mission seemed to be hitting it off okay. They were dancing together, albeit awkwardly. I smiled. Then I saw him. He was over by the bar, chatting with Canderous and Bastila. I wanted to run to him, but I remembered what had happened the last time I did that, and this time I'd fall down a flight of stairs in front of all kinds of important people. I took a deep breath, focused my gaze on him, and plotted the safest course through the crowd. Even going slowly, I wouldn't put it past myself if I "decided" to somersault down the stairs. I wanted to stay there and look at him, but I would have plenty of time to stare at him when I was down there. _HK was right; I am pathetic._ I lifted my skirt daintily so I wouldn't trip and began descending the stairs. Bastila caught my eye and smiled. Canderous' eyes followed hers, and, after a minute, Carth turned to see what they were looking at. The look on his face stunned me. He began pushing through the crowd toward me, hardly ever taking his eyes off me. I descended the stairs a little faster, keeping my balance in check. My heart was pounding even harder.

We met at the bottom of the staircase. Carth stood at arms' length from me and took my hands. "You look amazing." He managed. I looked at him. He was wearing a sand-colored dress uniform, complete with his medals and a high collar that looked uncomfortable.

"You don't look so bad either, especially for the most handsome pilot in the galaxy." I examined the gold cording on the edges of his jacket, realizing that Juhani and Bastila had made us match. I made a mental note to yell at them for that. "Not that I know any other pilots though… I've been looking for you all night."

"I got here late." He explained.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people are friggin' awesome!**


	5. Inevitable

**5. Inevitable**

Carth took my arm like Jolee had before. "Shall we dance?" He headed out toward the dance floor.

"I don't know how." I said, hesitantly.

"You could dance on Taris." His eyes twinkled.

"That was cantina dancing. And it wasn't dancing, even, it was just…"

"Just follow me." He slipped an arm around my waist. I thought I was going to pass out. This had never happened before. We'd never had a spare moment to do anything at all, not even any form of cuddling. I'd only hugged him a few times. _Oh well, it's better that we're dancing than kissing, right?_ I thought. At least I wasn't too nervous about dancing until I was actually doing it.

"I can only get better from this, right?" I said nervously after tripping.

"You're doing fine." Carth grinned. "Especially considering how clumsy you usually are."

"Why were you late?" I realized that I'd probably sounded rude. I decided that I hated formalities.

"I had to get in the fresher, and Canderous was in there for an hour."

"Really?" I laughed. "I have a hard time believing…"

"Me either." Carth grinned. "This is probably a random question, but did Darth Revan ever love?"

The quick topic change startled me. "I don't know, but I'd think not. Love is a weakness to exploit." My tone was mechanical.

"You say that like you believe it." I couldn't help but notice that Carth looked hurt.

"No, I—" I felt awkward. _This is what Carth must feel when he says the wrong thing – so this is what it's like to be him_. "I don't know where that came from."

"You had me pretty scared for a minute."

"I'm good at that, aren't I?" An idiotic grin spread across my face.

"Yes you are." He laughed nervously. "They asked me about you a lot in the interrogation."

"And? You told them that I'm the most difficult woman you've ever dealt with?" I didn't know what to make of his topic jumping, but it wasn't completely haphazard. There was definitely an agenda.

"Of course. But the first thing that came to mind wasn't that. It was… when you kissed Canderous."

My heart sank. "It was a friend thing." I replied.

"I know, but I always thought it was weird. I was your friend too."

"But it was different with you." I protested. He gazed at me expectantly. "Alright, I'll do my best to explain, since that's what you want." I sighed. "Don't laugh at me though, because I'm going to sound pathetic. Do you remember when you were telling me about the destruction of Telos and I put my hand on your arm?"

"Of course I remember." Carth blushed a little. _At least we're both pathetic._

"Well, I wanted to see if I got the same feeling with just any guy. It just felt appropriate that I kiss Canderous on the cheek for luck before he dueled with Jagi."

"That drove me insane." Carth confessed.

"I'm sorry." I looked at my feet, which were pursuing Carth's and trying to step on them. "It was an experiment."

"So you never had feelings for him?"

I laughed. "No way. He's a friend. He probably thinks of me as one of the boys." I stopped in my tracks, remembering HK's holo.

"Well, I guess he didn't always feel that way. He told me while you were in interrogation—"

"I hate to do this," I interrupted, "but I have a question."

Carth laughed. "Of course you do." It was good to see him smile.

"Was HK there?"

"When he and I were talking? Yeah, why?"

"Because," I laughed. "He recorded it. I think he figured I missed you guys so he recorded your conversation." Carth was shocked. "So I found out all about Canderous."

"He recorded us?"

"Yeah, and I watched it earlier tonight." I explained. "He thought I could use the reassurance."

"Well, that cuts my part of the conversation short." Carth stopped. "How much did he get?"

"Up until you and Canderous looked like you were scheming to bust Bastila and me out of there."

"Oh, okay. Good."

"Why is that good?"

"He left some of the good parts for me to tell you."

"Is it about Canderous' libido or my not-so-stunning figure? Because that's not my favorite topic."

"Mine either." Carth laughed.

"Ouch." I smiled.

"That's not what I meant!" Carth exclaimed. "I meant … damn it, you know what I meant. Trust me, your figure is fine." The song ended and we stopped moving. "I could use a glass of water. How about you, gorgeous?" I nodded and we walked over to the bar. He was trying to act naturally, but it wasn't working too well. Seeing him hadn't calmed my nerves. I knew something was going to happen, and the anticipation gave me goose bumps.

"Are you okay?" I asked, hoping my concern would mask my own shakiness.

"I'm fine." He smiled faintly. "It's just taking some getting used to, being off the Hawk and at a fancy party. I don't do too well in these formal situations." I had a hard time believing that he hadn't been to dozens of parties. There was something about this one.

"Me either. Jolee had to drag me around the room." Carth laughed and handed me a glass of water. "What did you want to talk about? I have a feeling you have something in mind."

"Damn, you're direct." Carth exclaimed.

"It's making me nervous." I explained. "I don't know why, but I've been nervous since I saw you earlier."

"So have I." Carth sighed. "But I'm not going to be direct just because you were. I had to figure out how I was going to say this, and I'd hate to see all that preparation go to waste."

I smiled. "Just don't take forever, or I'll interrupt you again."

Carth took a deep breath and straightened up. We were again facing each other, but at about half-arms' length. "Like I said before, the interrogation got me thinking about you. I realized that the thing with Canderous really had bothered me and I realized how afraid I am of losing you." I opened my mouth, but he kept going. "I didn't tell you something about Morgana, my wife, because I wasn't sure until I spoke with Dustil." _Oh no, she's still alive. _I thought. _I'm going to lose him._ "When she and I got married, we were both kids. I rushed into things, but I wouldn't let her have her way. She'd been so stubborn, trying to get me to get a job where I'd be around more, but I wanted to help the Republic. As you could tell, I wasn't around much for Dustil. It killed me, but then I started hearing rumors on the fleet that Morgana was being unfaithful." My mouth hung open. Carth's voice choked up and his words slowed. "She was going to leave me when I came to Telos. She was going to end it then, but the fleet attacked. She died without telling me the truth." My hand reached out and rested on his bicep. "Dustil confirmed it when he found me. I was heartbroken. It felt like part of me had died. Then I wished that I could talk to you. You were the only one who'd ever listened to me. Morgana never had to. I was carefree and reckless when I met her. Then I realized that this was as close as I could get to understanding what you'd been through; my past had died like yours did. You've given me a second chance, a new life. Thank you." I took his water glass and mine, set them on the bar, and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. So I was thinking about the future, about what to do later." He continued, his voice still shaky. I admired his courage. It would have taken me several minutes to recuperate from such a tale. "I told Canderous about Morgana while we were at the cantina. Maybe not so surprisingly, he told me she was dishonorable and had all kinds of words for her. Anyway, I talked with him about what to do, and I decided that I might retire from the fleet."

"You might? This decision isn't final?" I was confused. Not only was Carth considering giving up a job he did amazingly well, but he had sought career advice from a Mandalorian.

"It's conditional." Carth was trembling a bit, but maintained his composure.

"Are you okay?" I pulled away from the embrace enough to look him in the eye. "Do you need some air?" He smiled weakly.

"That'd be nice. Are you sure your eavesdropping droid won't spoil it?"

"I'll tell him to beat it." I smiled. We walked casually onto the balcony. I had a looming sense of doom. Carth had never been this forthcoming with information before, especially not serious information. As refreshing as it was to not have to beat it out of him, it was a little frightening. He was only this forthcoming with making fun of me.

"This is much better." Carth said, but there was little relief in his voice. "So where was I?"

"Your conditional retirement." I said.

"Right." He looked around, giving me the idea that he'd only asked that to stall. "Basically, I want to do things right with you, if you'll let me." I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. He pulled me close to him and looked me in the eye. "I've given this a lot of thought, probably more than I should have, and I've decided that I'll do whatever it takes to be with you." He stopped, but I could tell it wasn't the end of what he was saying.

"Okay, I'm still with you." I managed to stammer out after a moment of silence. "I'm willing to—"

"I'm not done." Carth murmured and pulled me closer, embracing me. I was getting used to the feeling of being so near him, although it didn't lessen the feeling of complete twitterpation. He took a deep breath and looked me in the eye again, letting me go to dig in his pocket. He pulled out a beautiful golden ring. This had to be it. I couldn't breathe. I had to concentrate on not crying. "This ring has been in my family for generations. My father gave it to me when I was about to marry Morgana, but she didn't want it until I promised to stay at home with her, so she never got it. You've been with me, true to me, even when you had great reasons not to. I want to stay with you forever. I'll retire from the fleet and take a job close to home, because I don't want to leave you. I love you." He slipped the ring onto my finger. "Marry me?" I couldn't say a word. The lump in my throat wouldn't go away, but at least I could breathe. My mouth was dry. Tears trickled down my face. Carth laughed quietly and gently wiped my cheeks. I wanted to kick him in the shin, tell him he wasn't making it any easier for me to answer. I grinned at him and he returned in kind.

"I look like hell." I managed, while nodding slowly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He raised an eyebrow. Damn, he wanted a verbal answer. I wasn't sure if I could actually vocalize it. _Is he teasing me? NOW?_

"Last time I changed the topic like this you figured out what I meant."

"What?" He was perplexed. I couldn't help laughing.

"_Why do you need my forgiveness anyway?" I wondered. We were outside the Czerka shop on Tatooine._

"_Because you're an impressive and beautiful woman. In some ways… good ways… you remind me of my wife and I'd like to make things right with us." He said._

"_You think I'm beautiful?" I was puzzled. No one had ever commented on my looks like that before and he seemed… serious. He laughed._

"_I'll take that as a yes." I was too afraid to ask him if I should take his response as a yes as well. "Let's get going." He smiled. "I'm sick of Tatooine."_

"Does 'you think I'm beautiful?' ring a bell?"

Carth laughed. "I'll take that as a yes." I nodded vigorously.

"Yes." I stammered, finally able to manage the word. I put my face against his chest again. He handed me the handkerchief and wrapped his arms around me again.

"I'm still not done." Carth stroked my hair.

"WHAT?" I coughed. "What else could you have? You're not pregnant, are you?" He laughed. "You've never talked this much to me unless I've threatened you!"

"It's surprising me too, believe me." He joked. "I was planning on telling the others if you agreed."

"That makes sense."

"Well, they'll want to see a kiss." Carth's eyes glinted.

"I've never kissed anyone before."

"Except Canderous." My stomach churned, even though he was joking.

"I've never kissed anyone with eyebrows before. That I remember, anyway." I added.

He laughed. "So I was wondering if you'd like to practice a bit so you'll have it figured out in there."

"You devious little—" I started, but I was stopped by his lips. They were warm and soft. It was completely different than Canderous' unresponsive cheek, which had been like kissing the rock walls of the shyrack caves on Korriban. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I could feel my heart pounding. I felt dizzy. My insides turned to mush. He stroked my hair reassuringly. I ran my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. I thought I was going to fall down.

"Think you can do that again?" The corners of his mouth turned up as his right arm let go of me. I was silent. "You have nothing smartass to say to me?"

"I'm waiting for the next part of your plan. I like it so far." I grinned.

"That was the end. Now I have to go tell Canderous I won."

"You won?" I furrowed my brow. Everything Carth said seemed to confuse me. I would have pulled away, but his arm around my waist refused to let go.

"We decided we're both proposing tonight and set up a competition so neither one of us wimped out."

"So this is happening to Bastila now?"

"No," Carth said. "Not the same thing. He probably said something romantic like, 'You're a good warrior. We'll make strong babies.'" I laughed heartily.

"Alright, you've convinced me." I wiped more tears from my cheek. "I still look like hell."

"I beg to differ. You look amazing." Carth's features softened.

"You're definitely living up to your claim as the handsomest pilot in the galaxy."

"You don't know any better." He reminded me.

"Do I look like I care?" With the arm that wasn't around my waist, Carth opened the door back into the room.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people keep me going!**


	6. Result

**6. Result**

"Through careful analysis, we have determined that Revan no longer poses a threat to the galaxy. She has adopted her new life whole-heartedly and does not identify with the acts of Darth Revan. Citizens who desire justice against the acts of Darth Revan, we assure you that she is no longer a threat to the Republic. Quite the contrary, she has sought revenge by destroying her old master and by defeating her old identity in courageous battle, thanks to the courageous efforts of…"

"You're free." Carth whispered as each of our names boomed over the loudspeaker. I grinned. I couldn't fathom freedom. I was able to make my own decisions, and I had just made one of the biggest ones I could. The announcer called for the crew of the Ebon Hawk to stand on a platform. It was like the celebratory parties that had followed our return in fancier garb. I wiped my face again. "If you say you look like hell one more time, I'll—" Carth threatened.

"You weren't helping, you lovesick tach." I grinned. "If you hadn't kept saying things that were making me cry, then I wouldn't look like—" Carth interrupted me again. The crowd cheered. I blushed and tried to forget that they were there. Carth's lips left mine sooner this time. I glanced over at Mission, who erupted into fits of laughter.

"You match your dress." She stated. I gave her a look to make her think I knew what she'd been up to, and she clammed up immediately. Canderous was more fidgety than I'd ever seen him before. Bastila didn't look too at-ease either.

"I don't think he's done yet," I whispered to Carth, looking at Canderous. Carth leaned over to Mission and told her to get Canderous' attention. When Canderous glanced over, Carth grabbed my left hand and lifted it triumphantly, showing Canderous the glint of my ring. Canderous narrowed his eyes, took Bastila's hand, and whispered something quickly. I started laughing. "Judging by Bastila's reaction, he used the 'strong babies' line." Carth laughed.

"So when do you want to have the ceremony?" He whispered.

"I don't know…" My stomach did gymnastics. "I don't want to rush anything. If anything else happened, I might explode from sensory overload. And besides, I'm not used to anything this quick, not with you. You take your sweet time. I was expecting you to ask that in a week or so."

Carth smiled. "Okay, I'm patient. When you're ready, I am. I feel like I'm starting over too, remember?" I leaned against him.

"What will the Council say?"

"Jolee spoke with them about it." Carth explained. "Part of the reason you took so long is because they wanted to analyze your reactions and your emotions about me. They figured out that you weren't completely crazy, so they gave us the go-ahead. I wanted to ask their permission first."

"Wow, you are prepared."

"I want to do this right." Carth said firmly. "I promised you I'll do whatever it takes."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you something outside."

"What?" A look of concern spread across Carth's face. I grinned. Messing with his head would never get old.

"I love you."

"You're not too quick on the uptake, are you?"

"You're not either if you just figured that out." I grinned.

I realized that everyone was filtering off the platform. I started to follow. "Whoa." Carth wasn't moving. "This is the part we practiced for." I was stunned. I couldn't believe he was serious. The announcer's voice boomed. I realized I'd already missed the first few words again.

"…engagement of Ciara Orion to Commander Carth Onasi." I felt paralyzed hearing my name that loud, but I couldn't help beaming.

"Why'd you do this?" I asked.

"I wanted the galaxy to know that their most handsome pilot is taken." I leaned in. "What do you think you're doing?" He teased.

"We practiced. It's time for the real thing." I stood on my tiptoes and flung my arms around his neck. Carth grinned, obviously pleased with my initiative, and wrapped his arms around me. The room seemed to spin as we kissed. _I should be used to the galaxy watching me by now._

The last part of the party was spent grinning until my face was going to fall off. Everyone congratulated us. Everything blurred together. The Council couldn't believe that I hadn't known that Carth had asked their permission, but I couldn't get a single Master to admit that Carth was a devious monkey-lizard. They needed a sense of humor. They thought I needed serenity or something. At least we were still somewhat at odds. Some things were still normal.

Finally, the party wound down enough where we could gather with the rest of the crew without the wayward interruptions.

"You knew, didn't you?" I accused. They laughed.

"It was kind of obvious what was going to happen," Mission admitted, "especially when Carth started talking to Jolee about it." I noticed that Carth had left my side for the first time since we'd found each other. He was congratulating Canderous. I looked at Bastila.

"I heard about you two." I smiled. "Congratulations."

"Thanks." She looked at the ground. "I couldn't believe it at first, but—I've loved him for a long time."

"I know."

"And you didn't tell me?" She shrieked.

"Well you didn't tell me, so we're even."

"But Carth isn't a Mandalorian!"

"You don't seem to mind." I said suggestively. "His big muscles, his scarred, eyebrow-less face…"

"Oh stop it." Bastila blushed. "You're just as bad."

"Yeah, well just work on getting Canderous to admit that he's whipped."

Bastila laughed. "You know he won't, not to you."

I turned to Mission. "Have you told them to get a room yet?"

"Only four hundred times tonight. We may as well reserve an entire complex at this rate."

"Hey Mission, what have you done with Dustil?" Carth asked.

"Nothing!" Mission exclaimed defensively. "He ran off somewhere. I think he was going to get punch or something." I was sure something had happened. I made up my mind to get it out of her as soon as I could.

"Is he coming back here?"

"Yeah, he should be." Mission's eyes shifted. I pulled her aside.

"You have to tell me what happened." I grinned.

"You first." She shot back.

"Well, he was his usual impossible self. It turns out his wife was going to leave him when he was on Telos. Then he promised me he'd stay by me no matter what if I agreed to marry him. So I cried and I couldn't talk, but he figured out that I accepted. Then he kissed me."

"Aww, that's cute." Mission smiled. "You both look happier than ever. You're not telling me everything. I need more details!"

"You have to tell me what happened with you first." I raised my eyebrows. Mission gave me a "not now" look.

"Ciara? May I have a word with you?" I turned around and saw Dustil, the reason for the look.

"Of course." I was nervous again. What did he think about all this? Carth had moved up next to me.

"Is it okay if I talk to her alone, Dad?" Dustil asked. Carth looked confused.

"Sure, son." He smiled, slightly nervous, but delighted that his son was on less formal terms with him. "Just don't keep her forever." The two men flashed a nearly identical smile at each other.

"Look, Ciara," Dustil started, "I just wanted to congratulate you privately. You're the best thing that's happened to Dad. He told me that he wanted to marry you and I wasn't sure what to think. I was afraid he'd get upset if I told him I was unsure about it, but he's been treating me like an adult. He assured me I could deal with it in whatever way I saw fit and told me to take my time. He's a lot happier, a lot more confident with you. I never saw him like this before. He was always tired and testy with me. It's so nice that he trusts me, and I have you to thank for it, because you helped him realize that I'd grown up." I'd never heard Dustil talk like this. "Anyway, sorry to talk your ear off, but I just wanted you to know that, for whatever it means, you have my blessing."

I hugged Dustil. "Thanks again. It means so much to me." Over Dustil's shoulder I could see Carth watching us. He grinned. I'd never get sick of seeing him grinning.

"Well I don't want to keep you for too long or the old man will get mad at me."

"Dustil." I said firmly. "Let me make one thing clear: Jolee is the old man. Carth isn't."

"Got it." He smiled. "Now stop talking to me and go back to my dad before he starts making eyes at you."

"Too late." I shot Dustil another smile and floated back over to Carth, who was listening to Bastila and Canderous make wedding plans. He put his arm around my waist. "I'm tired." I whispered to him.

"Well, I think we're heading out." Carth announced to the group.

"Oh, so now we're seeing who gets between the sheets first?" Canderous boomed. All eyes were on him.

"Don't you already have that one?" I asked Canderous abruptly. Bastila turned red. "That's a yes." I replied.

"There was never any question." Canderous laughed bawdily. Bastila glared at him, but couldn't help smiling a bit. Carth glared at him and we walked out of the room.

"You thought he and I would have hooked up?" I laughed.

"He assured me I would've heard you screaming if you two had ever slept together."

I laughed. "He seems quite sure of himself, but only time will tell how good he is. Well, only time and Bastila."

"She'd tell you?"

"She'd have to. If he's as good as he says he is, I'd be able to feel it for sure."

"That's kind of creepy." Carth stated.

"I'd only feel her reactions, so it may prove to your advantage…"

"Is there any way you can turn off the bond for privacy?"

"It's been weaker since the Leviathan, but it's still there. I'll see what I can do." Night sounds took over our conversation. It was a warm night. We strolled casually through the deserted streets of the city. "You're being so sweet, it's – I'm not used to it."

"Oh?" Carth grinned. "You're just as prying as usual. Maybe I should react more. I think I'm just glad I found a way to keep you from interrupting me."

"So it's all about you?" I interjected. I got the exact reaction I wanted.

"No, that's not what I meant—" Carth started, agitatedly. "Dammit."

I laughed. "You're back! Not that I minded this other side of you."

"Good, because it's your fault anyway."

"Where are we going?" I asked, blissfully unaware of where I was sleeping.

"You weren't paying attention?"

"I had a good reason not to."

"The ambassador paid for our lodgings in a hotel here, on account of the heroics and such."

"Do I get a room to myself?" I asked. I was so used to bunking with someone that isolation had been jarring. I was tired of keeping myself awake with my thoughts.

"That depends on what you're ready for." Carth grinned.

"You are not done with your scheme, you dirty liar."

"Well I don't want to rush you into anything. I want you to be alive for our wedding."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You said you'd spontaneously combust from sensory overload."

"Oh, right, that." I laughed. "I would like the company…"

"Then I'd have to oblige. If we hurry, we can get the best room before Ordo gets there."

"You know this place?"

"I've heard of it, it's pretty high-class." He smiled. "Besides, the governor was counting on us getting engaged, not Canderous and Bastila. They may have to share a dinky cot tonight."

I giggled. "What about clothes for tomorrow?"

"Taken care of." Carth smiled. "Juhani went shopping for you."

So that's what she and Mission had been discussing. "You're evil."

"You like it." Carth started walking faster. My short legs couldn't keep up with him. "We've got to move, they're catching up."

"You think I can run in this thing?" I asked. Carth threw me over his shoulders like a sack of gruel. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I demanded. I closed my eyes so I couldn't see the city shaking all around me as he ran.

"Making sure we get the better room." Carth said slowly through the exertion of running with an extra hundred pounds on his shoulders.

"And that means throwing me over your shoulder?"

"You can't run."

"I can run," I insisted. "Just not in this get-up."

"I'm helping." I wanted to kick him, but figured it would be a bad idea.

"How much further is it?" I was glad I hadn't eaten very much. Carth's shoulder dug into my stomach.

"Not too much." He ran faster. I had to focus on something else, anything else. Finally, he put me down. He went to the front desk and dangled the keys in front of me. "We got it. Let's go check it out."

"Are you always this competitive?" I asked, trying to keep up with him.

"With Canderous, yes." He unlocked the door.

"Wow." I said. The room was enormous, with a comfortable-looking mattress on the floor. The décor was simple but elegant. There was a sitting room in one corner with a walk-in closet next to it. The back corner of the room had a door to the washroom. I walked in tentatively, flabbergasted.

"There's supposed to be a bath as well as a fresher." Carth said.

"Whoa!" I said, gazing at the bath. It was large enough for two or three people and had jets. "I think I'm doing that before I go to bed." Carth laughed, then a conflicted look came over his face. "What is it?" I asked.

"I just…" Carth blushed. The pieces began to fall together in my mind.

"You're going to have to stop being all shy and cute all the time and start flirting with me again. I've missed it." I grinned.

"It's different now that you know I'm serious."

"You think I didn't know before?" I laughed. "Okay, so maybe I didn't know, but I had my hopes." The door pounded and Carth went up to it. I looked around the washroom and found a soft-looking robe. I managed to escape my dress and put on the robe. It was very short. I hung up my gown and let my hair down.

"You think you deserve this?" Canderous' voice boomed from the other room. A jangling indicated that he had thrown his key at Carth. "You're nothing but a Republic sissy!"

"I won fair and square. We got here faster, so we get first dibs." Carth replied. I walked into the front room again and shifted my weight onto one leg, feeling like a cantina dancer. Canderous had been about to say something, but stopped. I could barely make out Bastila standing behind him.

"Excuse me, sir, please stop badgering my pilot. I need him here." I said politely. "And stop looking at my legs, core-slime." Carth was staring at me too. I stood there, unable to figure out what to do. I was stuck in the front room being ogled by two grown men, and worse, I was in a robe that made sure my legs were exhibited. Bastila laughed at me.

Carth tossed the key back to Canderous. "Second room on the left's just as good." He slammed the door. "Where did you find that?"

"The washroom." I replied innocently. "It was just…" I trailed off. Carth wasn't going to interrupt me. "What? You've seen me in my underwear before. It's not like this is new."

"Well…"

"Speaking of my underwear, what do you mean it's uglier than your jacket?" I had been meaning to ask. "It's not that bad, is it?"

"No, I was just teasing you, reminding you that I'd seen it." He grinned. "By the way, Juhani got you new underwear too."

"Figures." I sighed.

"So are you going to get in the bath or not?"

"I don't know." I sighed. "Everything's happening so fast and…"

"Alright, then, I won't sneak in with you."

"How long are we staying?" I asked, still weighing my options.

"Until we figure out what we're doing." Carth smiled. "No rush."

"In that case, I think I'm going to hit the sack. The bath can wait." I went back into the washroom and changed into a soft nightgown that was a bit longer than the bathrobe. When I came back into the main room, Carth was already in his pajamas and was sprawling out on the couch. "Are you sleeping there?" I asked.

"Sure. It's comfortable." He looked at me.

"And leave me to sprawl on that huge thing by myself? That's a waste of space."

"If you're sure you're okay with it, then I won't argue with you." He practically jumped off the sofa. I felt like I had just made his day.

"But if you try anything…" I warned, pulling the blanket over my chest and rolling on to my side, facing him.

"What makes you think I would?" I opened my mouth. "Don't answer that. You're tired." I couldn't think of a good argument. I scooted up to him. He was lying on his back. I rested my head on his chest and let my right arm rest across his waist. He put his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "Good night, beautiful."

"Where are we going to live?" I asked. It was my turn to change the subject randomly. "Do you want to go back to Telos?"

"Not particularly." He sighed. "It's time I moved on. Did you have somewhere in mind?"

"Not really. I was kind of hoping that the whole crew would want to be on the same planet so we won't be separated. I feel like they're family now and I don't want to lose another family."

"Neither do I." I turned my head and looked up at him. He looked slightly sad. I scooted up and kissed him.

"We won't lose them." I assured him. He smiled faintly and closed his eyes. I lay awake thinking for awhile. I couldn't believe how fast things were moving. I half hoped Carth would remember himself and not talk about the wedding for a day or two so it had a chance to sink in, but I had a feeling that it'd be one of the main topics of conversation until it happened. A surge of emotion through the bond with Bastila kept me from drifting off. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, focusing on my own peace, even though said peace included Carth's gentle snoring. I'd been lonely for the past two weeks. It was so wonderful sleeping near someone again. Of course Carth and I had slept in the same crew quarters before, but never in the same bed. I felt comfortable and safe. I was consciously fighting the bond with Bastila, at least for now. My eyelids fluttered shut, my concentration broke, and I fell asleep.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You make my day!**


	7. Explained

**7. Explained**

Bastila's surge of emotions clouded my dreams. I hadn't dreamt for two weeks, and it seemed like her subconscious had a lot to tell me. I no longer felt compelled to ask for details about their relationship. I felt her confusion, her reactions to his confessions, her astonishment at the Council's ruling, and her passion for him. It was a bizarre experience.

"_Look, princess, I wasn't that fond of you either." Canderous sighed. "I mean you were downright irritating when I first met you."_

"_This is complimenting me?" Bastila inquired._

"_I'm getting there!" Canderous tried not to shout. "I don't know when I stopped hating you, but it was after I saw that Ciara liked you, so you couldn't be all that bad. I never got the bond stuff or the Jedi stuff, but I knew Ciara was all right. Anyway, I found myself in the company of women who were my match, for once. On Taris, they were all cantina trash. Then Onasi called me on it."_

"_Called you on what?" Bastila asked, feigning puzzlement._

"_I guess I'd been staring and talking about how much I respected you as a warrior."_

"_I was under the impression that you were interested in Ciara."_

"_That was just because she listened to me. I really wanted you to listen to me." Canderous was losing his words fast. "So I kept talking, figuring you'd have to listen eventually."_

"_I don't know what to say." Bastila's face did its famous kinrath impression. Canderous kissed her almost violently. Bastila was startled at first, but she melted into it._

I woke up with a jolt. I was a little disoriented, not to mention a bit freaked out. I soon regained my composure. Carth had rolled over and tangled himself in the sheets, still snoring. I crawled over to him and kissed him on the cheek gently, but he was sound asleep, so I got up and put some caffa on to brew while I checked out my new clothes. They were baggier than I was used to, but they looked comfortable. My new underwear was a lot better than my old one-piece number. First of all, it was different. It looked a lot more like Bastila's two-piece did. I laughed, figuring that Carth had a say in what Juhani bought. Men could be so simple. I put a robe on over my nightgown, poured myself a cup of caffa, and sat down on a comfortable lounge chair. Carth was still unconscious. I'd expected him to be awake by now. I put my caffa down on a table and sat on the bed next to him. I kissed his cheek again. "Wake up, you lazy bantha." I whispered. He groaned.

"Not yet."

"Yes yet." I shook him. "You've been sleeping longer than I have. Get out of bed or you'll stay there all day."

"But I want to." He pulled my arm so I lay next to him. "We can be lazy."

"I haven't moved for two weeks. I'm antsy."

"You have company this time." His eyelids looked heavy and his general sleepiness gave him an air of innocence. I wanted to lie there all week.

"I made you caffa." I offered.

"How sweet of you." He smiled. "But I'm going to sleep."

"Don't make me drag you out of bed." I laughed, sitting up and tugging on his arm.

"Okay, I'll get up." He resigned. "I haven't slept that well in ages." He stretched and I could see a fluff of hair below his bellybutton.

"You can have the fresher first." I offered. "As a sign of my goodwill." He smiled and mumbled something as he headed to the washroom. I went back to my caffa. I had wanted to sip caffa and chat with him, but there would be times for that. I remembered his offer to sneak into the bath with me. A thought crossed my mind. I tiptoed into the washroom, making sure I was as quiet as I could be. I spied his stack of clean clothes on the counter by the washbasins. I grabbed them and ran back out to the main room, stashing them with the rest of his clothes. I innocently returned to my caffa, hoping he'd simply forget that he'd set out clothes for himself. I wasn't so lucky.

"What did you do with my clothes?" He called. I started laughing.

"Nothing!" I tried to stifle my laughter long enough so he'd believe me, but I knew it wouldn't work. Sure, it was a childish joke, but I was enjoying myself. I was entitled to act like an idiot sometimes. Carth emerged from the washroom with a towel around his waist. His hair stuck out in every direction. I couldn't help but laugh harder. I was giddy. It was the first time I'd seen him without a shirt, and I didn't mind at all. The look of feigned irritation fell from his face. He sat down next to me and hugged me.

"You thought I was devious." He smelled overwhelmingly of soap and shampoo. He'd shaved, and his face was smooth against mine. "Alright, I'll hang out here and drink caffa with you until you decide to give me my clothes back."

"I'll never tell." My eyes never left his as I finished off my caffa with a gulp. "Don't we have some sort of official thing to go to? Wouldn't you rather not go naked?" I goaded him.

"Then you'll have to tell me where you put them. I'm not going to hunt around this suite for an hour. For all I know, you'll steal my towel when I'm not looking."

"What makes you think I'd do that?" I asked innocently.

"The fact that you've been staring at me since I came out of the washroom." I blushed a little.

"Stop pretending like you mind. All right, I put them back with your other clothes."

"I thought you'd be more creative than that." He smiled, getting up. "I think it's your turn for the fresher." I put my empty mug on the tray it had come on, grabbed a change of clothes, and headed to the washroom.

"Try anything and you're dead." I stuck my head through the doorway. "I was just getting back at you for your comment about my underwear, so we're even."

"Fine, I'll leave you alone this time." Carth smiled. I got in the fresher. It was still wet and fragrances from his shaving cream lingered. I moved as quickly as I could, listening intently for any indication that Carth was causing trouble. I stepped out of the fresher, but made sure to keep myself near it as I toweled myself off, wrapped my hair in a towel, and pulled on my clothes. I entered the main part of the washroom, only to find Carth putting finishing touches on his hair. He made room for me next to him so I could do mine. I could feel him watching me as I slathered gunk from the salon in my hair to keep it wavy yet manageable. I towel-dried it until it wasn't soaking my shirt any more.

"What's on tap for today?" I asked Carth cheerfully.

"I'm not sure. We'll probably talk to the others about where we want to live and get that figured out, and if there's time, maybe some wedding planning."

"You weren't supposed to mention it for a few days." I smiled.

"I'm excited." He explained.

"There were so many times I wanted to talk to you about what was happening and you wouldn't talk…"

"I was still figuring stuff out, I guess." He said, absent-mindedly.

"I wasn't asking for a reason. I wasn't asking for anything, really. I was just making an observation."

"I see." He looked satisfied with his looks. "All right, are you ready? We should get breakfast."

"I need to talk to Mission." I agreed. "But I want to talk to you about what happened this whole time. During the interrogation I realized there were a lot of reactions and thoughts I wanted to tell you about."

"Me too, but this isn't something we can have a quick chat about before breakfast. How about later?"

I smiled. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten how to deter important conversations." For no apparent reason, Carth pulled me close to him for a kiss, but a pounding on the door interrupted. I gave up being confused. He was a big sap somewhere underneath his tough exterior and I thought I could handle that. After all, I was finding out how sappy I really was. He grabbed my hand and we headed toward the door, where Canderous and Bastila were waiting. I grabbed Bastila's arm, letting Carth and Canderous take the lead. "I had a dream about you and Canderous last night." I whispered. She blushed.

"You can't tell dreams from visions yet? I had it too." She said softly. "That was basically when I realized that I did indeed love him."

"I figured as much." I walked a little more briskly to catch up with the men. "How are you doing now?"

"Wonderful." She beamed. "I feel like he and I have forged a bond like ours, only it was voluntary."

"About our bond," I began. "I found that I could concentrate and kind of get rid of it temporarily." I could tell she knew what I was talking about. "I figured you needed some privacy."

"Thanks." She blushed. "The Council said that you discovered more about the nature of our bond."

"Maybe." I sighed. "I remembered being Revan, just for a moment. Right before you captured me, I realized that Malak had turned on me. That's when I collapsed. I remember thinking that if I could do it again knowing what I did, then I wouldn't have walked that path. I think you saw that spark of redemption in me and kept me alive. I had to be willing to be brought back, and I was. You gave me that second chance."

"That seems to be a common theme." Bastila mused.

"Could you take any longer?" Canderous turned around. He and Carth had reached the entrance to a nice restaurant.

"Don't tempt me." Bastila's eyes narrowed at him. Canderous laughed approvingly.

"I think I left my shoes back in the room." I added, succeeding at further amusing Canderous.

"You can pick 'em, Onasi." He thumped Carth on the back. The men shared a quick but incomprehensible exchange and laughed.

Bastila shook her head. "Let's go or we won't get to eat anything."

"You look really happy." I remarked. "In a lot of ways."

"Well I am," Bastila replied frankly. "And if you mean what I think you do, then I only wonder why you had to ask." She smirked. I used to hate that condescending look on her face, but I could only laugh.

"Good to see you've got things rolling." I whispered to her.

"But you—"

"Quality takes a little longer. Besides, I'm still getting oriented. I'm not used to Carth giving me this much information yet, nor have we really been alone together for long." She grinned, knowingly.

"Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself." We entered the room and I suddenly wanted to cry, but I wasn't sure if it was from joy at seeing everyone again or sadness that it would be one of the last times. I was getting sick of the crying thing. Everyone sat around a giant round table and ate, chatting merrily. Canderous was already asking for his juice with extra "kick," and I found out that Bastila could really elbow a guy in the ribs. The room went silent as Master Vandar entered and we all gazed down at him, reminding me of how hard Carth laughed when the Jawas called me a giant.

"_You're only a few inches taller." He'd said._

"All formalities aside, the Council and the Republic have made a joint decision about each of your fates. As you all know, there is much work to be done in rebuilding Taris, Telos, and Dantooine, along with countless other worlds. We have decided that it would be greatly advantageous to have you along to help. Whether you split up or stay together is not something the Council wanted to decide for you. You will be provided with lodging on the planet you choose, provided that you report to the embassy within two weeks of your arrival, which, we expect, will be after the festivities." He smiled at Bastila and me. "We would prefer your decision to be made before you depart, so we know which embassy to prepare."

"Are the planets habitable?" Juhani inquired.

"Yes." Master Vandar's lips remained tight. "They are not rebuilt, but they can sustain life. We hope to have rudimentary services ready for the public within five years or as soon as possible. It will be hard work, but will not involve chasing Sith all over the galaxy." I thought I saw him glance at Carth, who smiled and put his arm around my chair.

"Did you know about this?" I whispered. He refused to say anything, just smiled.

"Feel free to contact us if there are any further questions." Master Vandar bowed and left the room.

"Damn! I wanted to go back to Ordo." Canderous was the first to provide his input.

"How many of us would really follow you all the way out there?" I asked skeptically. I felt a swelling in my temples. I drank some melon juice, hoping that it would dilute the pain.

"As many of you as I can carry. All of you." Canderous boasted.

"Try me." I challenged, standing up a bit. He laughed haughtily.

"Bring it on, lightweight." Canderous stood and got into position for a wrestling match.

"There are more serious matters at hand." Juhani interrupted, her voice calm. Canderous and I took our seats, eyeing each other suspiciously. It had been a game, but we still took challenges like that somewhat seriously. "We must make a decision quickly."

"Should we vote?" Mission asked. "That seems like the quickest way to me."

"Well, does anyone have any objections to any of the planets?" I asked. "It'll be easier if there are fewer to vote for." The tension in my head spread across my forehead. Everyone began speaking at once.

"Dantooine's boring, and I've been stuck on Taris too long." Canderous stated. "They're both out, as far as I'm concerned."

"I have a chance to make Taris a better place." Juhani mused. "Dantooine would be nice, but I fear it would bring back only bad memories."

"Not Telos." Carth stated firmly, bringing some surprised looks.

"I'm tired of both Taris and Telos." Bastila sighed.

"I haven't been to Telos yet, but I'd like to see Taris again. Dantooine was pretty, too." Mission added.

"As long as I can return to my home after a while, I don't care where we go." Big Z was easy to deal with, as always.

"Heh, somewhere without trees. I vote for Tatooine." Jolee laughed.

"Not an option." I stated firmly, the pain swelling further, clouding my judgment.

"Dammit, I've earned the right to be difficult!" Jolee smiled.

"Okay, so every planet's been vetoed by someone." I sighed. "Two against each one."

"Well, what do you want?" Carth asked gently. "You forgot to vote."

"I'm sick of being the important one." I tried not to snap. I rubbed my temples, trying to eradicate the massive headache, which was being exacerbated by faint screaming in my subconscious. I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I tried to focus my attention elsewhere. "But my vote is for Taris. It's the closest thing I have to a home."

"We could always move after a year or two…" Jolee offered. "It's a kind of compromise."

"Why do you have to be difficult when you actually have answers?" I almost yelled. I don't know if I'd hallucinated it, but my voice took on a horrifying evil tone. I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I—" I burst into tears and ran back to my room.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You are a great source of encouragement!**


	8. Catchup

**8. Catch-up**

I ran into the washroom to get a cloth to soak my eyes with, but I was too horrified at my reflection in the mirror to do much. My normally grey-blue eyes appeared yellow and empty. Everything Revan did caught up to me. The faces of the innocent I slaughtered and the planets bombed into oblivion flashed before my eyes. I knew I couldn't handle living in guilt and death, just like I couldn't handle living without a past. I was in a krayt dragon cave without a plan. I was walking up to a sleeping rancor without a weapon. I was dead. I let myself fall face-down onto the mattress and cry. I tried to keep the image of my eyes out of my head, but it was burned into my memory. The memories kept surfacing, getting more brutal and violent. I concentrated on keeping them down, but the harder I concentrated, the more my head ached, as though begging me to let go and immerse myself in the emotional pain. I heard the door slide open and footsteps rush in. Something heavy landed on the mattress and a hand rested on my back. I lifted my head and looked at Carth, who was concerned.

"What's wrong?" He asked softly.

"I don't know how I live knowing what I did." I sobbed. "How could they forgive me? How could anyone forget?"

"No one's forgotten," Carth explained. "But I've forgiven her. She brought you to me." I remembered the last moment of Revan's life: Malak's ship firing at the bridge of hers, falling to the ground and mentally pleading to do it differently, for a second chance. It wasn't me, was it? "It wasn't you that did all those things." Carth answered my thoughts. "It was Revan, and she's gone."

"But was it me that asked for a second chance?" I realized that Carth had no idea what I was talking about. I explained the vision to him. He held me and rocked me, whispering comfort as I sobbed. "I don't even know why I got so upset at breakfast."

"You don't have to know why." He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. "Don't beat yourself up over this; it'll only make it worse. I'm sure the others will understand."

"Will they?" I challenged. "What if this is Revan coming out?"

"Revan is dead." Carth held my shoulders firmly and stared me straight in the eye. "I felt it when you refused Bastila's offer on top of the temple. You resisted with a sense of finality that the best Jedi Masters only dream of. The battle is over, and you won, Ciara." I started sobbing again and he pulled me back to his chest.

"You shouldn't wear this jacket anymore." My voice was muffled in the orange ugliness. "I'm going to ruin it."

"I'll find an uglier one if you'll promise to keep teasing me."

"I'll keep teasing you as long as I have a breath in my body."

"That's what I wanted to hear." He hugged me tighter. "I'm not moving until you're okay." We sat for awhile in silence.

"I'll be okay. Will you still stay?" I asked.

"What's in it for me?" He teased.

"It just might be better than staring at my butt while I run around." He laughed.

"You noticed?"

"I could almost feel your eyes burning holes in my pants." Teasing Carth made everything easier somehow.

"It was the best thing to look at. I tried to focus my attention somewhere else, but it brought my eyes back like a magnet."

"Just keep making excuses." My voice was choppy. "I sound pathetic, don't I?"

"I think you should stay here and rest for awhile. I'll tell the others." He stood up and walked toward the door.

"Come right back." I nearly whispered. I felt weak from the sudden surge. I allowed myself to fall down on the bed again, face-up this time.

I wished things were easier, more lighthearted. I wanted to have a pillow fight, jump on the bed, chase him around the room, or do anything childish and stupid. Instead, I lay on the bed looking like hell. Carth was bustling about, but I couldn't figure out what he was doing until he came up to me with soft trousers and a shirt.

"Put these on." He instructed. "They're comfortable. They'll make you feel better." I lifted them up.

"They're huge." I looked at the black pants I held in front of me and up at Carth. "You're getting me into your pants!" I exclaimed.

"One way or another." He smiled and put out his hand. I took it and stood up off the bed. He put his arm around me and took me to the washroom. I put the clothes on. I did feel better, even though they were enormous. I washed my red, puffy face with cold water, afraid to look at it. I caught glimpses of my eyes looking normal, but my headache and the image was still there. I wondered if I'd ever be able to be normal for a day and started weeping. I stumbled out into the main room again. "What's wrong?" Carth asked, suddenly by my side, leading me to the bed.

"I have a headache." I explained. "It's the worst thing I've ever felt."

"Do you want me to get someone?" Carth asked.

"I want you to stay here." I said stubbornly.

"I'll just get Bastila. She's close by." He bargained. "She could do something with the Force."

"Why can't you just open the door and yell?" I sighed.

"I'd only be gone for two minutes." Carth pleaded.

"When did you get so damn persistent?" I exclaimed.

"That's another story." His tone lightened. "I'll grab the first member of our crew I can find. I promise."

"Fine." I put my hands on my head, trying to somehow keep the pain in. I began getting more flashes of visions that made it worse. I cried harder and curled up in the fetal position. Why did Carth leave me? He had made the images go away. I wanted to begin wailing, but I felt that if I did, I'd lose control and go completely crazy. I took a deep breath and tried to meditate, but the visions only came faster: faces of innocents, screams of children, last breaths of Jedi, torture victims, planets… Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. It was nearly unbearable.

"Guilt." A voice above me said. "It's finally catching up to her…" I could almost feel the room spinning out of control. I couldn't tell who was talking. I only caught moments of speech, never enough to piece together or concentrate on. Nothing was substantial enough to distract me from visions of terror. The voices sounded like audio from a holo skipping quickly and incoherently.

"…realized what happened…"

"Run its course…"

"Something we can do?"

"Wait."

"Just wait."

I suppressed a scream. The room spun faster. I was nauseous. I saw heaps of bodies, battlefields strewn with dismembered corpses. I smelled the stench of rotting bodies.

"What?"

"It should pass…"

"…feels temporary."

"Masters won't touch it…"

"…tainted with the dark side…"

Above the meaningless chatter, I could hear my voice screaming, pleading for their help, but no one heard me. I wanted to make the spinning stop. I wanted the visions to stop. My hands turned red with blood. I saw people slaughtered for getting in my way. _I DID ALL THIS._ I realized and shrieked. I would give anything for it to be wrong, but I knew it was right. Worlds exploded. Lives ended. I felt like every organ in my body was being ripped out one at a time as I was shown the gory details of what had been done to every single victim I'd had.

"nightmares…"

"if they are to stop, she must face her identity consciously"

"doesn't seem conscious…"

"has more control than it appears… exhibiting great restraint."

"What's wrong?"

"Nightmare…"

"Visions…"

"Revan…"

"Revan is gone, I know it…"

"Last stand…"

"…meditate with her?"

"no state to…"

"NO!" I screamed. The room stopped suddenly. My eyes flung open to find faces staring at me. I was dizzy and disoriented. I was exhausted. I felt like I'd been thrashing around violently for hours.

"Ciara?" Mission asked innocently. My entire body shook with fear and sadness. I reached out and put my trembling hand to her face. My palm was clammy.

"Be careful!" Bastila hissed to Mission. "We don't know what kind of state she's in." Her distrust of me stung.

"Mission…" I started crying. My voice was hoarse. "What have I done? I destroyed everything. How could you stay with me?" I felt detached from my voice, my body, my mind.

"That wasn't you, Ciara."

"Ciara… isn't real." My words were slow. "The Council made her up. I'm Revan, aren't I? I saw what I did." I took my hand off Mission's cheek and looked at the other faces. They looked a lot less confused than I was. I sat up. Multicolored fuzzy blobs filled my vision. I waited for them to clear before I spoke. "Jolee." My voice was weak, but I began to feel it coming back to me. I was aware of the vibrations in my throat coinciding with my words. "You knew. Why did you come?" I felt the tears on my face, helping me slowly reconnect with my body.

"You have a destiny far greater than Revan ever had." He explained, gently resting his hand on my shoulder. "You battled Revan, each of us saw it. You fought her and won."

"I don't feel like I won." Tears streamed down my cheeks.

"But you're still here." Juhani gazed at me dotingly, like she was looking at a baby gizka. "That's victory. It may take awhile to compose yourself again, but you still won." I sobbed and turned to Carth, who was sitting next to me. I squeezed him until I thought I'd break ribs if I squeezed any harder. I closed my eyes, feeling tears drop from my lids as though I had just squeezed a damp rag. He ran his fingers through my hair, holding me just as hard as I was him. As though it were second nature, I found myself in a meditative state, in a white place full of nothingness. I shouted at the visions to leave. I drew my lightsabers, offering to fight them away, although I couldn't see them. I could feel them rumble, like thunderstorms. They tried to flare up again, but I shouted at them again. The rumbling slowly subsided and I felt it leave until nothing was left except peace. I stayed on my guard, making sure they wouldn't come back. I was twice as exhausted as I had been after defeating Malak. I no longer felt uncontrollable emotion. I was an empty shell, and I relished this feeling, taking deep breaths and feeling them course through my hollow body. My eyelids slowly lifted. No one had moved. I lifted my head and looked at Carth. His deep brown eyes were moist and concerned. I smiled weakly and looked at the others. Bastila looked the most relieved.

"Am I going to—" I started.

"Of course you'll be okay." She finished. "By letting those emotions wash over you, you acknowledged them, but you won in the end. This shouldn't happen again." She smiled assuringly.

"I don't think I could do it again." I felt tears run down my cheek.

"You will if you need to." Bastila stated.

"I guess." I sighed. "What time is it?"

"Late afternoon." Bastila answered. "You were consumed by the nightmares for quite a while."

"I was asleep?"

"No, the visions put you in a state similar to meditation, only they dictated what you saw and felt. That was not you." Bastila said firmly. "That was the last of Revan."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Don't dig for compliments, Ciara." Bastila smiled. "You know we're convinced, just as you are." Canderous was rubbing off on her.

"Of course you're not allowed to be confident, because you could still fall," Jolee mimicked the Council. I smiled weakly. "But I don't think any of us doubt your conviction." Every member of the crew was staring at me awkwardly.

"You should see your faces. You all look like you're carved out of stone." I smiled. I wanted to laugh again, but I didn't have the energy.

"We were so worried." Juhani looked sad.

"I think I'm doing a lot better, guys, thanks." The tears were stopping. The vision of my eyes as evil pits was fading.

"We had a dinner scheduled with the Council." Jolee stated. "I'll go and reschedule it for tomorrow. We can eat as a crew somewhere. We had a great conversation going on this morning before we had matters to attend to."

"How about in an hour?" Juhani asked. "The restaurant where we had breakfast has a terrace that I hear is lovely…"

"Two hours," Canderous countered. "I can't eat this early."

"That gives me time for a snack before dinner." Zaalbar affirmed. I tried to laugh again.

"Two hours it is." Jolee smiled. "I'll tell the Council and make the reservations." He didn't tell me to pull myself together or anything, and I was grateful. Everyone filtered out of the room, leaving Carth and me alone. I opened my mouth.

"You do not look like hell." Carth said sternly. "You look like you just fought a war single-handedly and won."

"I'm predictable, aren't I?"

"A little." He smiled. "I was so worried when you—"

"I don't want to talk about it." I sighed. "It's not you, it's just that I'm done with it for right now."

"I know the feeling." Carth smiled weakly. "Do you want anything to eat or anything? Maybe you should take that bath."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I teased.

"Of course not!" He replied.

"You saved me again." I said quietly. "If you hadn't been there, I'd have—"

"I couldn't lose you."

"Thank you." I felt completely unburdened. I pressed my lips to his, which parted a little and I felt a tinge of nervousness and excitement at this new addition. He took my lower lip between his. It was gentle but made my heart pound with anticipation. My exhaustion and sadness vanished, and I focused on the moment in which I now found myself. The kiss was too slow to be a "get naked now" kiss, but it was having that effect on me. I reclined and put my arms around him, pulling him on top of me. A small moan escaped his throat, the sound of which stirred my blood, but he kept the pace of the kissing slow. He tilted his head slightly and brought his right hand up to my face, stroking it gently. Tentatively, I let my lips part, mimicking the way he had just kissed me, but I felt my tongue emerge, lightly brushing his lips. Before either of us knew it, we were making out like teenagers. The pace quickened, our legs intertwined, and I thought we'd have to skip dinner. I ran my fingers through his hair, taking in its softness and forgetting we had to be presentable. The gentle stroking of my face had turned to his hand's gentle but firm presence under my ear, holding me. His lips pulled away and my eyes flew open. He began kissing my neck gently. I was incapacitated with joy. I kissed the top of his head, my hands moving down his shoulders until I was holding his back. He had worked his way down my neck and reached the neckline of my shirt when there was a knock at the door. He stopped and lifted his head, listening.

"Are you guys ready?" Mission's voice called.

"Almost!" We replied in unison, instantly getting up and scrambling to make ourselves presentable.

"You did a number on my hair, gorgeous." Carth teased.

"I would have been able to control myself if you weren't such a good kisser."

"How would you know?" He put water in his hair and smoothed it down.

"I may not know any better, but I think I was having a good time." I twisted my hair up into a makeshift bun and fastened it quickly, then ran to the closet for some clothes.

"How ready is 'almost'?" Mission called.

"ALMOST!" I answered, pulling on some pants. Carth rushed into my corner and grabbed a clean shirt. "Spying on me?" I asked.

"Of course!" He grinned and pulled off his shirt.

"Put your shirt on now or we're never getting out of here." I ordered.

"I'd rather not, but I guess I have to." He threw it on and fastened the buttons. His muscular chest disappeared under the white fabric, to my dismay. I pulled on a blouse and sat down on the bed as I put my sandals on. The sheets were awry. I wondered what would have happened if Mission hadn't knocked…

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people light up my life!**


	9. Drinking Songs

**9. Drinking Songs**

"Took you long enough, sheesh!" Mission complained as I opened the door. "What have you been doing for the last two hours?" Carth and I looked at each other and grinned. "I don't want to know." She sighed. "I'm just glad I convinced Z to knock on Bastila's door. There's no way I'm dealing with them." We stopped in the corridor outside Bastila's and Canderous' room, Zaalbar was yowling incessantly.

"I told you to stuff it, fuzz ball!" Canderous yelled as the door opened. He and Bastila were obviously rushed. Zaalbar took the insult well. I was relieved that the entire crew had an understanding of each other.

"I know what you did…" Bastila taunted me. "Is that 'taking it slow'?" I blushed and put my arm around Carth.

"That, sister, was a year of pent-up frustration." Carth grinned at Bastila, who looked shocked and slightly disgusted to hear it coming from Carth.

"In two hours?" Canderous laughed. "You should really work on some things, Onasi."

"It was just the beginning." Carth vowed.

"That's more like it." Canderous and Carth smiled, satisfied.

"How are you feeling?" Carth asked me, gently.

"A little weak." I replied, "and it's only partially your fault."

"Dinner should help." He assured me.

"I'm counting on it."

"Mission!" Jolee exclaimed happily as we reached the terrace. "You made it back!"

"It wasn't easy," she smiled, "but someone had to get them."

"I thought the fleet emphasized punctuality, Captain." Dustil remarked snidely.

"Watch your mouth, son." Carth grinned. "I'm not a captain yet."

"You know it's only a matter of, oh, a few days." Dustil laughed. "As soon as you get somewhere they can give you the medals, they will."

"Yeah, I got the message." Carth sighed. "As soon as we figure out where we're going, I'll contact Admiral Dodonna."

"Dantooine would be a nice place to raise kids." Jolee grinned, waving for the waitress.

"Let's not go there first, then." I smiled. "I'm not itching to have kids anytime soon."

"How about Telos for a year, then Taris, then Dantooine?" Juhani suggested. "Everyone gets what they want, has to deal with what they don't, and it's not permanent. Besides, it's reverse alphabetical order. It's logical." There was general agreement. I was relieved that Juhani had found a solution. I looked at Carth.

"Do you want in on this, son?" He asked Dustil.

"I'm not travel-weary like you are, Dad." Dustil replied. "I want to get out there and see the galaxy. I promise I'll come visit, though."

"I'd like that." Carth's face went soft as kolto and a satisfied smile crept across it. Soft spots are that much better when they aren't exposed all the time. He and Dustil talked about Dustil's training as the rest of us sipped our water.

"So, Mission, you mentioned Griff before." I stated.

"Yeah!" Mission seemed half-excited. "The Republic is willing to let him come with us because he's family, you know. They'll put him to work. Maybe this will teach him."

"I hope so." I sighed.

"He'll meet us on Telos. I'll send him a message first thing in the morning." Mission seemed excited to give her brother a chance. Griff wasn't a perfect role model for Mission, but she was dealing with it well. Canderous interrupted my train of thought when he bellowed in appreciation of the freshly-arrived drinks.

"I'll want a refill next time you're here." He warned the confused young waitress. Bastila nodded, laughing. Dinner was as breakfast should have been: lighthearted and joyful. Jolee would bring the Council our decision. With that resolved, merriment took over. Carth let Dustil have a few sips of his Corellian brandy. Canderous' booming laugh frequently interrupted conversations. I sipped some Cinnagar wine delicately. I didn't want to get drunk. I was still wary of having another episode, and I wanted to remain in control. I was drowsy but happy as fruit was brought out for dessert. Canderous was completely drunk by this time, and let everyone throw fruit at him, trying to catch it in his mouth. Carth tossed a grape at mine, but HK shot it out of the air. I thought Carth was going to throw a fit, but he just laughed and made sure HK's blaster was set on stun. Dustil and Mission threw things at the droid, which he enjoyed shooting. The restaurant manager wasn't too happy about it and we had to shut HK down. Canderous and Mission began singing a "love ballad" they'd learned in Taris which was, of course, bawdy. Jolee, to my surprise, joined in immediately. Apparently he'd learned the song in his adventuring days. I almost expected Canderous to get up and start dancing. Dustil picked up the choruses pretty quickly and soon everyone, even Juhani and Bastila, was singing loudly. The manager told us to keep the noise down. After a few minutes, silence bred boredom; so Canderous challenged Carth to an arm-wrestling contest. Canderous had a racial advantage, what with his Mandalorian strength superior to Carth's human strength, but the Mandalorian was so drunk that Carth was able to hold his own. They were in a virtual stalemate.

"Alright, then, the women stand in!" Canderous slurred. I rolled up my sleeve.

"What?" Bastila asked, confused. Canderous sat her down across from me, positioned her elbow, and clasped her hand in mine.

"Now WIN! Show me you want to be an Ordo!" He thumped her on the back.

"I know you can take Bastila." Carth said, Corellian ale on his breath. "If you lose, Ordo will never let us hear the end of this."

"You're forgetting Bastila's role in gloating." I concurred.

"All right, here are the rules: no use of the Force, elbows stay on the table, left hands stay underneath. And… go!" Mission pounded the table, signaling the start. I pushed Bastila's hand with all my might. She pushed back, her face wrinkling.

"You look just like a kinrath pup." I snarled good-naturedly.

"Do you ever think up new insults? You look like a rancor's backside." She shot back. A chorus of "ooh!"s came from the small crowd.

"It still fits, you chewed-up bantha corpse." I retorted. Carth laughed.

"You… Gammorean…" Bastila couldn't think.

"Give it up, Bastila." I laughed.

"Never." She grinned. I pushed her hand harder and it wavered toward my side of the table. All of a sudden, Canderous was behind Bastila, adding his strength to hers. Before anyone could call out, Carth's hand was on mine, his elbow next to mine, pushing with all his might.

"No more additions to the match." Mission laughed. "It'll become a dog pile."

"You'll get tired soon, Republic."

"After you pass out." Carth countered. "Give it all you got on three." He whispered to me. "One." His grip tightened. "Two." We took deep breaths. "Three." I pushed as hard as I could and we got a couple inches on Canderous and Bastila, who countered with a strike on their own.

"This isn't going to work, guys." Mission sighed. "Just give up."

"After you, sissy." Canderous smirked at Carth.

"Ladies first." Carth rasped. Bastila looked as tired as I felt. I took a deep breath and pushed with all my might once more. Carth followed in turn, then Canderous and Bastila. "Sooner or later, you'll get tired."

"All right, kids, time to end this." Jolee said finally. The struggle ended abruptly – Jolee had put them in stasis. "Bastila, Ciara, pull them to opposite sides of the room." I dragged Carth to a chair far from where Zaalbar and Bastila were dragging Canderous. The two men were frozen stiff, but began to move again quickly enough.

"What the hell?" Carth tried to stand, but I pressed his shoulder down firmly.

"I won." Jolee beamed. "Now get to bed."

We left the restaurant after midnight. Zaalbar had to haul Canderous home, as the Mandalorian was only partially conscious and no one else could carry him. The general mood was still upbeat and boisterous. I reveled in it, feeling like I was walking on air. Carth had calmed down about the arm wrestling.

"I just get competitive." He explained, stumbling a bit over the syllables. I grinned and put my arm around him, leading him back. He had a hard time walking straight. "You're beautiful, gorgeous." I laughed. "I mean it too." He leaned forward and kissed me. I liked Corellian brandy for the first time in my life. "You're making it hard for me to be a gentleman."

"You should go to sleep, handsome." I lay him down on the bed. He was asleep in seconds. I undressed him carefully and tucked him in. I climbed in next to him, wrapped my arms around his torso, and fell asleep just as quickly.

Light burned my eyes when I woke up. I had a bit of a headache, but my thoughts instantly turned to the massive hangover Carth must have. He was already up, but I didn't hear the fresher. I sat up and found him in the sitting area drinking caffa and looking at messages on a datapad. "Good morning," I mumbled, walking over to him. "Would you pour me a cup?"

"You bet." He smiled brightly. Apparently he was more of a morning person that I'd thought. He filled a mug with caffa and brought it to me. "How are you feeling?"

"A little hung over." I took the mug and drank. It soothed my headache a bit. "What about you?"

"Not too bad, especially considering how much I drank." He put the datapad on an end table and focused his attention on me. "I wasn't going to drink that much because I'd wanted to talk to you last night."

"What about?" I asked between gulps of caffa. The hot drink filled me and made me feel better. It was like kolto for hangovers and mornings.

"About everything." His eyes shone. "The voyage, mainly."

"So not about getting married?" I shot him a suspicious glance.

"If it came up…" He feigned innocence. "Actually, I'd want to talk about what happened yesterday in terms of 'taking it slow' before we talked about getting married. Don't get me wrong, it didn't change my mind, I think we could use some clarification and it's a more immediate matter."

"You tried to discuss it with me last night." I laughed. "You said I was making it hard for you to be a gentleman."

"Damn, I can't blame it on your droid this time." He smiled. "I understand if you're not comfortable with what happened yesterday. I got carried away." He blushed and looked at his boots.

"You're making me wonder if something happened that I didn't know about." I cocked my head a little. "I thought we were just kissing…"

"Well, it got pretty involved." Carth confessed.

"I didn't mind." I said soothingly.

"I'm just afraid of it going too fast," his eyes stayed on the floor, "and ending badly. I didn't want to scare you or pressure you."

"I wasn't scared. It was a big step, but it was okay." I smiled.

"Good, now I can sleep without getting scared." He said sarcastically.

"Shut up, bantha breath."

"Oh! My man-feelings!" He cried, putting a hand over his heart melodramatically. I shook my head, laughing. "All kidding aside, you're really okay with it?"

"Yes I am." I affirmed. "It was fun, but I'm glad you felt like we could talk about this. As amazing as you are, I want to savor this."

"So do I. It's not always easy." He sighed.

"You think this is easy for me?" I raised an eyebrow. "I want to do stuff I don't know about with you!" Carth laughed. I put my empty caffa mug down, feeling much better. "I trust you." I said, my hands on his shoulders. A mischievous look flashed across his face. He stood up suddenly, flinging me over his shoulder. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The room shook around me as he walked across it and let me flop onto the bed.

"Pre-emptive strike." He explained. "You were going to say something about looking like hell." He kissed me lightly and hurried back to the sitting area.

"Do you think you're funny?" I inquired, slightly disappointed. He'd got my hopes up. He couldn't torture me by talking about kissing, throwing me on the bed, then running off, could he? I tossed a pillow at him. He turned around and only just dodged it.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked playfully.

"Expressing my frustration." I said matter-of-factly. "I said I trusted you, so you throw me over here and leave me?"

"You knew I was up to something. You trusted that it was part of the plan."

"I hate your plans." I sighed. He lay down next to me.

"I'm only having fun." He grinned. His grins were even better just inches from my face.

"Just don't kiss me and run away." I scolded. "That was mean."

"Sorry." He kissed me again. "I got a bit giddy."

"Can you stay put when you're giddy?" I teased.

"I don't know." He grinned. "I'll try my best."

"Good." The kiss I'd been anticipating came, but I was still confused. Why were our conversations always so disjointed and confusing? Why couldn't we have a normal, predictable relationship? Why did we always talk about stupid things, then kissing somehow? Didn't normal people talk about sunsets or flowers? Why was I thinking about this stuff when I had the man of my dreams kissing me like there was no tomorrow? I focused on the sensations of my lips on his and, sure enough, the questions flew from my mind. Carth really had his passion in check this time; I could almost feel his restraint. He moved slowly and I savored every second. His slightly parted lips relaxed and grazed mine, going from one corner to the other, then landing on my cheek. I nuzzled his face with my nose, then wondered what had compelled me to do so, but he kissed my cheek reassuringly, so I figured it wasn't all weird. Pins and needles filled my insides. I could almost feel my brain melting to the back of my head. He moved from my cheek to my neck again, but I managed to kiss him behind the ear first, which made him stop. I gently kissed down his neck to his collarbone. He moved his face back up to mine.

"This isn't easy." He breathed. My insides tied in knots. Was it really me that was making it that difficult for him? Then again, he wasn't making this easy for me either, so why wouldn't he feel this way about me? I hated questions.

"No it isn't." My face screwed up slightly. I couldn't wipe the smitten look from my face. "I'm not thinking clearly."

"You know, that's exactly what part of me wants, but I'm not giving in."

"You're so cute." I grinned and kissed him playfully. I wondered briefly what we were supposed to be doing today, but dismissed it. I'd rather spend time catching up with Carth. Eventually, we'd talk, maybe. What was I ready for? My hormones said I was ready for anything and everything Carth could offer, but I wasn't so sure. I'd never kissed anyone a few days ago, but on the other hand, I was an adult. Maybe after a cold shower we could discuss it. I was ready to give in to anything. I rolled him onto his back, straddling him. Our kisses got longer and deeper. My fingers itched to pull his shirt off. His hands lingered at my waist. Again, the future of my sex life lingered when an interruption came. Carth was getting an urgent com transmission.

"Dammit." He sat up, smoothing his hair and adjusting his shirt. "Hello, Admiral Dodonna."

While he talked, I lay on the bed, musing. I could use a few minutes in the fresher, but I wondered if Carth would wander in after me, then I wondered if I'd mind. I had completely zoned out when Carth smacked me in the face with the pillow.

"What was that for?" I demanded, more startled than hurt.

"Did you hear anything I said?" He asked, excited.

"No, sorry." I smiled. "What is it?"

"You know how Dustil was calling me 'captain'? Well, he wasn't ambitious enough. I just got news that I'm being promoted to admiral." I stood up as fast as I could and hugged him tight.

"That's wonderful!" I was so proud of him. "Will you get to stay and do the rebuilding stuff still?"

"Of course." Carth beamed. "I just have a big decision to make first."

"What's that?" I wondered.

"Well, I could just pass it off on you. Would you rather marry a commander or an admiral?"

If I was ready to get married, I felt ready for anything. I grinned. "Commander." I answered. "You were a commander when I met you, and I want to marry the man I fell in love with." He picked me up and spun me around. "Let's go get us rings."

"But it hasn't been weeks!" He teased, putting me back on the ground.

"Yeah, well, I've been thinking about taking it slow." I smiled. "I don't know if it's for me."

"I still don't want to rush you." His tone was sincere, but joy still glinted in his eyes.

"It's more appealing keeping up with you than it is feeling like I'm holding you back."

"You're not holding me back," He corrected.

"What are you ready for?" I asked. "Don't worry about influencing me. I want to know what you want."

"You."

"Oh good. I want me too." I grinned. "I mean you."

"Now?" He raised an eyebrow and didn't try to suppress his mischievous grin. My hormones screamed, "YES." I hesitated. He smiled bigger. "It doesn't take a Jedi to read minds, gorgeous."

"Maybe after breakfast. We've got a lot to do, Admiral. We have that fancy dinner with the Council, talking about what happened, ring shopping, wedding planning, not to mention partying for the Ordos and for you."

"We'd better get moving." Carth grinned.

"In that case, I'm getting in the fresher. Yes, I mind if you join." I interrupted before he could make more than a noise. "Because if you do, I'll never come out." I dashed off. Our future was unfolding before my eyes and I was looking forward to it.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people give reason to my writing!**


	10. One Down

**10. One Down**

"If you stopped being nervous and meditated, you wouldn't be vomiting as much." Juhani placed a hand on Bastila's back. Bastila was as pale as her white wedding gown.

"I'm telling you, it's because she's pregnant." Mission said, nonchalantly. "I've been around plenty of pregnant girls, I should know."

"I can't be—" Bastila trailed off.

"Don't you guys have some sort of Force pregnancy test?" Mission asked, frustrated. I laughed.

"Not really that I know of, which isn't saying much." I smiled. "Just keep breathing, Bastila. You'll make it okay." I handed her a pill to soothe her stomach and a mint for her breath, making a mental note to make sure I got a birth control shot. Juhani adjusted Bastila's hair, which was pulled up in a crown much like it had been the night of the party. Juhani wove strings of pearls through Bastila's soft brown hair. I took out some ceremonial makeup and did my best to make Bastila look passable. Mandalorians don't want their women to look like frilly dolls; they want them to look vigorous and lively, which was a problem, because Bastila felt more like a doll, I could kind of feel it. I smiled warmly. "You can do this." Mission saw me with the makeup and stole it. I made sure her dress looked good.

"I feel sick." Bastila sighed.

"After the ceremony, you're Canderous' problem." Mission tried reassuring Bastila. "I think that came out wrong. I meant he'll take good care of you." I didn't laugh because I thought Bastila would kill me, but I made a mental note to tell her later how funny she looked after Mission's comment.

"Ms. Shan? Are you ready?" A voice came from the door. Bastila took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror.

"I can't believe it—" She gasped at herself. "I'm getting married." Her eyes welled up with tears.

"You look beautiful." I smiled, finding it difficult to hold back my own tears. In a trance, she walked toward the door. I couldn't figure out how she went from puking to serenity in half a second. The Bastila that Jolee escorted to Canderous that morning was one I had only seen in her imagination: calm, cool, and collected. She kept her cool through the ceremony, even though I couldn't. I sobbed toward the end. I never knew I was so damn emotional. Canderous was wearing what looked like a dress uniform, but wasn't Mandalorian. It looked more like Carth's. It was funny how these things turned out.

"_You two think you're like night and day!" I scoffed at Carth and Canderous aboard the Ebon Hawk after their tiff on Dantooine. "You share more than initials, you know?"_

"_They're yours too." Carth retorted. "Good thing we don't have monogrammed luggage or I might get stuck with your ratty underwear."_

"_That's beside the point. I'm going to prove that you're more alike than you think. See, Mr. Ordo here has nice tan pants, but he has his holsters nice and visible to accentuate," I pointed, "his prized rear end." Mission giggled. Bastila tried to hide her amusement and the fact that she had an excuse to look at Canderous' butt. I even thought I heard Carth snicker._

"_Oh, do me next." Carth rolled his eyes. I turned him around somewhat forcibly, trying to ignore the fluttery feeling I got._

"_You don't have to ask me twice. Mr. Onasi uses reverse psychology. You see, his jacket is so hideous that it plagues the eyes, forcing one to either focus on his face or his far more interesting ass." I smacked his butt as hard as I could. _

I sighed, remembering the good times smacking Carth's ass aboard the Ebon Hawk. I couldn't even bring myself to touch Canderous' butt, even with his holsters making an "X" to mark the spot. I focused my attention back on the ceremony. Bastila and Canderous were exchanging vows. It was so bizarre to see them so mushy.

"I, Canderous of clan Ordo, do solemnly swear to love, honor and protect Bastila as long as we both live."

"I, Bastila Shan, do solemnly swear to love, honor, and protect Canderous as long as we both live." I wondered what had happened to "as long as I can stand him."

"Don't look now." Carth warned. Of course, I looked. Bastila tilted her head slightly upwards, kissing Canderous with a passion that I'd rarely seen in her, aside from the dream. Seeing them kiss wasn't as weird as I thought it would have been. Bastila was only slightly shorter than Canderous, who towered over me. My idle mind began to go off on another tangent.

"You think I can't take a little mushy stuff?" I mocked Carth. "You underestimate me."

"I keep forgetting you have pornographic dreams about those two." Carth smiled.

"They aren't pornographic." I retorted, not wanting to talk about Bastila's sex life. "Am I short?"

"Yes." Carth was confused. "Why? Is this news to you?"

"Yes it is." I hissed. "I just realized that Bastila is almost as tall as Canderous and he's so much taller than I am." Carth laughed softly. Bastila smiled at us as she and Canderous retreated down the aisle to dinner. Canderous winked hard at Carth, who chuckled good-naturedly. We were soon dismissed from our seats and ushered toward the dining hall. "Don't you remember that I smacked your butt and didn't touch Canderous'?" I asked Carth after the ceremony.

"Yeah, and it made sense then." He said, after a moment of thinking. "I forget how, something about pent-up anger probably."

"Or you didn't want to get your hopes up." I teased. "That and I'm a pain in the ass?"

"Right. What made you remember that?"

"I don't know, it just kind of came and I had to laugh." I reminisced. "Those were good times. I'm glad we're all sticking together. It'll never be the same, but at least we've got a good group to have fun with."

"Damn, woman, I can't follow your train of thought half the time." Carth shook his head. "How did you go from smacking my butt to being short?"

"Well, I was just thinking about how Canderous' uniform was like yours, which made me remember…"

"Never mind." He laughed again. "Let's eat." Dinner was wonderful, as was to be expected. It was wonderful to share good times and good food with my friends. Canderous was on his best behavior, which meant he drank only very little. Bastila's mother was barely well enough to attend the ceremony. She was crying pretty hard at the ceremony, but regained her composure at the dinner afterward.

"It's wonderful to see you again, Helena." I said politely.

"Thank you again for reconciling Bastila and me." She smiled weakly. I nodded graciously, at a loss for words. "I can't believe my little girl is married, to a Mandalorian, no less!"

"It's a bit of a surprise for most of us." Carth said. It was weird that he was automatically invited to conversations I was in by virtue of the ring I wore. We were officially a couple, which was still a new concept to me. "We never saw it coming."

"I'll never understand that girl." Helena laughed weakly. "I just hope I have a chance to congratulate her."

"You haven't congratulated her?" I asked, shocked. "Come with me." I took her arm and made a beeline for Bastila. "Move out of the way!" I called. "Mother of the bride coming through!" People always gave me the weirdest looks, and now was no exception. Canderous didn't laugh, just smiled at me bemusedly. I dragged Helena across the large, dimly lit room to where Bastila was staring. I was a meter away from Bastila, my head turned around as I told Helena that she had to greet her daughter, when I ran into a pole, smacking my head pretty hard. Laughter rang out. I put a hand to my forehead and dusted off my dress as though it were a reflex, looking sheepishly at Bastila and her mother. "I was just trying to help." I offered, then walked back across the room. Carth was trying not to laugh until he got my official reaction. I was embarrassed, sure, but I could tell Carth would explode if he didn't laugh, so I laughed nervously. Sure enough, he laughed. I tried to keep laughing, but my head hurt.

"Are you all right, beautiful?" He asked, still laughing a bit.

"I think I'll be fine." I hoped I didn't get a lump on my head for this. That would be embarrassing. "I didn't see it."

"If you had and still run into it, I'd be dealing with more than a woman with a bump on her head."

"Of all stupid things to do…" I started. "Is there ice anywhere?" Carth couldn't help but laugh at the ice comment. I didn't get what was so funny. "What? I could use some ice!"

"Grace could use some ice for her head." Carth grinned at a bartender, who handed him a bag of ice.

"Stuff it." I glared at him through my fingers. "Just give me the damn bag of ice." I snatched it. "Thanks for nothing."

"Hey, I didn't mean to make you mad." He pleaded. I pretended the ice pack was covering my eyes so I wouldn't be affected by him. "I just thought it was funny that the savior of the galaxy ran into a pole in front of tons of people."

"You forgot that it was at Bastila's wedding." I corrected testily. "Get all the details right for the history books."

"I didn't mean—"

"Well it came out that way. Are you going to ask if I need my head checked? I wouldn't put it past you, you insensitive Hutt-spawn. And since when was grace part of the job description for savior of the galaxy?" He was silent. Damn, I'd hurt his feelings. I was in no mood to apologize.

"Do you want anything else?" He asked tentatively. "A drink or some food?"

"I'm okay, thanks." I managed a small smile. "Don't be mad at me. I've got a planetoid growing on my head."

"I suppose so." He sounded resigned. "Try not to yell at me next time, okay?"

"Next time?" I demanded, more playfully. "Are you saying this will happen again?"

"No," Carth said slowly, "you'll never run into a pole again, well, not here anyway. Probably not on Alderaan, in any case. And definitely not again and Bastila's and Canderous' wedding."

"You should be careful," I warned. "I could bite your arms and legs off and beat you to death with them."

"I don't think that's how the saying goes."

"It's called poetic license." I rolled my eyes. "You never know if I was in a mood to take your teasing."

"I can tell when you are."

"It's not foolproof. You just ticked me off pretty bad. I think the pain lowered my teasing tolerance."

"That makes me a fool, then." He put an arm around me. "Let me see." He lifted the icepack off my head. "It's not a planetoid. An asteroid, maybe." He winked. I couldn't help smiling at him. He softly kissed my freezing bump. "So, what did you think of the ceremony?" He asked, taking on an air of politeness and decorum. I improved my posture. I still couldn't believe that I was short.

"I thought that you'd never ask." I smiled. He expected me to go on.

"Oh…" He slowly realized what I'd meant. "I wasn't saying we should get married now…"

"Right." I grinned. "I know you're antsy."

"Well it's almost ready." He countered, matching my argumentative mood.

"You make it sound like we're having a wedding for dinner." I teased.

"How do you know we're not?" He raised an eyebrow. It was hard to argue with him when he was making cute faces at me, but I'd done it for so long…

"The Force." I raised my eyebrows to match his.

"Liar." He laughed.

"I learned from you."

"No you didn't." He smiled. "I tell you the truth."

"Unless you say 'that's the end of my evil plan.'"

"How about tomorrow? Is tomorrow good for you?" He asked, slightly mockingly.

"I don't know if I can fit it in between tormenting you and finding you an uglier jacket."

"Too bad, it's booked." Carth said firmly.

"I told you it wasn't for dinner." My favorite way to win arguments was to get him to admit he was wrong.

"Dammit." He sighed. "You win."

"The consolation prize is pretty good, I hear…" I kissed him.

"I should lose more often." He grinned. "Let's go congratulate the Ordos and wish them many strong babies."

"You're not serious about the wedding tomorrow, are you?" I asked.

"Nope." Carth admitted. "But it will be soon. I'm making arrangements. Now let's see if you can navigate the crowd more gracefully this time."

"Do you want to 'accidentally' run into a pole? I could arrange that."

"I'd rather not."

"Ciara! You made it up here in one piece this time!" Canderous laughed.

"Shut up." I gritted my teeth.

"Your clumsiness is part of your charm." Bastila smiled.

"Can we drop it?" I asked.

"We just wanted to wish you many strong babies." Carth interjected before Canderous could say anything more about my clumsiness.

"Any baby of mine will be holding a blaster before it can walk!" Canderous insisted. Bastila looked a little scared at the idea of having a blaster-wielding baby.

"Why thank you." Bastila was dying to change the subject. "Do you two have a date yet?"

"Don't worry about us." I said. "It's your wedding, not a planning session for mine. Trust me, you'll hear about when it is." Carth looked at me.

"Don't ask her," he clarified. "She doesn't know a darned thing about it." The look of fear transferred from Bastila's face to mine.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You're too kind...**


	11. Tradition

**11. Tradition**

I found some archives and looked up Deralia, my supposed home world, to find any sort of traditions I was supposed to follow in getting married. There were none. I wondered if the Jedi had made up my planet, too. I grew more and more frustrated, not knowing what I was going to do. Carth had most of the details figured out; I just had to get myself on track.

"What do I wear?" I asked him after being unable to find a darn thing in the archives.

"There's no real color that's traditional, you just need to look nice. You could wear your red dress from the party." Something told me that Carth had this planned out too.

"So no white like Bastila?"

"You'll have a white cloak on over it." Carth assured, "so there's no reason to have a white cloak over a white dress."

"Anything else I should know?" I raised my eyebrows. "It seems like there's a lot you're not telling me." He sighed.

"Sorry to keep you in the dark, I've just been trying to work it out." He took a deep breath. "Weddings in my family are very heavily dictated by tradition, but they aren't spoken of too much."

"How did you know I wouldn't have any ideas?"

"I looked Deralia up in the archives as well." He confessed. "Your input is still welcome."

"Let me hear your plan and then I'll decide about my input." I smiled.

"Well, the ceremony will happen around sunset. It'll be followed by a dinner, like the Ordos' was. Only family and close friends are invited to the ceremony to keep things simple. We both wear white cloaks with the hoods on, even though I'm not sure why. The friends and family of each of us stand on one side in a semicircle, facing each other. Only three or four people will be on each side. The ceremony focuses on the acceptance of each of us into the others' family."

"Okay, but what about my nonexistent family?"

"I was thinking a couple Jedi could work." He smiled. "Friends count too, remember?"

"So I have to choose three people?" I asked, aghast. "Four, minimum. And HK still won't be happy."

"Four is fine." Carth smiled. "How about sundown tomorrow?"

"I think I can do that." I smiled back. "So tell me how this works."

"I would, but I'm not completely sure myself."

"What?" I was shocked. "How are you going to do something when you don't know how?"

"Oh, there will be experts there. Like I said, only close family and friends attend, so I'd have to have a sibling or very close friends get married in this way to know about it, and I'm an only child."

"Wait, didn't you get married before?" I asked.

"Not this way."

"Okay." I was skeptical. "How do you know it'll work, though?"

"It will." He grinned. "All I know is there are, in our case, four people –family or friend – standing for each of us. In addition, there are three witnesses and a mediator. The mediator will guide the ceremony. The family members have a chance to accept or deny your request to join the family."

"What? They can deny it?" I got worried. Dustil was sure to stand for Carth. Did he know I'd been indirectly responsible for killing his mother? "What happens then?"

"Yes, they can." Carth sighed. "If there is a denial, the witnesses get to make the decision."

"Who are the witnesses?"

"Three individuals who make an objective decision on the couple's eligibility to marry. It's only really decisive if there's familial dissent. If someone objects, the couple has a chance to make a case for themselves. If the family feels strongly enough, they can join in the debate, but the final decision is the witnesses'."

"This sounds like a trial." I sighed.

"It does." Carth's face began to get nervous. "This is the way my family does it, though, and I don't think we have anything to worry about."

"So who's standing for me?"

"You have to approach them and ask."

"What if we both approach, say, Bastila?" I was glad he humored me.

"Usually, Bastila would know that she is a close mutual friend and make her decision before either one approached her. But since no one really knows what the ceremony is like, it's different. If I approached her, I'd let her know that you might and that she'd have to choose one or the other. She can't stand on both sides of the room at once."

"So mutual friends have to choose sides?"

"Or elect to be witnesses."

"So we'll have seven witnesses."

"No, you can only have three."

"But if I take four people, you'll only have –" I was confused.

"Trust me, it works." Carth grinned. "I've thought about this for a long time and figured it out."

"So if I ask—"

"Oh, you're not supposed to tell me that, in case I try to pay them off before the ceremony."

"This is weird." I sighed. "Is it ever going to make sense?"

"I don't know. It's weird to me too, even though I must sound like I know the answers. I don't."

"So who's going to mediate?"

"Jolee's getting one of his friends." I sighed.

"I guess that'll be okay. Are you sure this will work? I don't know if I like going to my own wedding and not knowing whether or not I'll come out married."

"From what I understand, since you can only have a few people there, you can choose the ones standing for you strategically. Blood relatives have to go, or else they feel betrayed."

"So I choose people I know will say yes and I'll be okay?"

"Basically, unless you have any blood relatives."

"Phew. You're going to have this easy."

"You won't have a hard time either." He grinned. "I promise."

I spent the next day trying to purge the nervousness from my system by preparing what I'd say to Dustil. I really didn't want to tell him the whole story then. I realized that I should take a break from worrying and gather my own family members. I listened at the Ordos' door briefly to ensure I wouldn't interrupt anything before I knocked lightly. Bastila answered the door.

"I have a favor to ask you." I said sheepishly. I didn't know how to do this. "I would love to have you stand for me at my wedding ceremony, as you're the closest thing I have to a sister."

"Oh, Ciara, I'd love to!" Bastila squealed, hugging me. "What do I do? What do I wear?"

"Well, you just have to tell Carth whether you accept him as part of your family, like giving your blessing. And you just have to look pretty."

"That's a no-brainer." Bastila laughed. "Anything else?"

"No. You won't have a problem." I smiled. "I'm not exactly sure how it goes, but neither is Carth, so we're all clueless together."

"That's comforting." I told Bastila what I knew about my ceremony.

"You know you can't ask Canderous." Bastila interrupted my speech about selecting family members. "Carth got to him first." I couldn't help but laugh. Canderous as Carth's brother – the image was too perfect.

"Fair enough. I have to get the others before he does." I grinned mischievously. "Just come to my room at three tomorrow afternoon. Bring stuff to make yourself – and me, if you feel like I still need work – pretty." She gave me a look that told me I was going to need work.

"I'm so proud of you!" She beamed. "I can't believe how far you've come since I met you!"

"So have you!" I pulled away. "I have to go get Mission before Carth does."

"Hurry, run!" I did, speeding down the corridor like I was swoop racing. It was interesting to think of gathering family members as competition. I pounded on Mission's door. Juhani answered. Mission and Big Z were playing Pazaak on the floor.

"Perfect, just the people I need to talk to!" I grinned. "I'd be honored if each of you would stand for me at my wedding ceremony. You're like family to me."

"Shut up!" Mission squealed, jumping up. "I'd love to!"

"The honor is mine." Juhani said calmly. "When do you want us there?"

"Three o'clock tomorrow at my room. Just look pretty and be prepared to tell Carth what you think of us."

"You got a deal!" Mission grinned.

"What about you, Zaalbar?" I asked. The Wookiee hadn't moved.

"Carth asked me to be a witness." He said, "And I accepted, or else I would."

"Thanks, Z. I'm glad you'll be there. You'll be perfect as a witness!" I beamed. I sat in the room, chatting for awhile. Juhani was trying to hide her excitement. Mission insisted that I pick something for her to wear, modeling her dresses for me. I chose the one she seemed to like best.

"Wow, this is my favorite!" She exclaimed. "I'm so excited! Can I do your makeup?"

"I was hoping you'd ask." I laughed. "If I had to do it myself, Carth might change his mind."

"Do you want me to brush Z?" Mission asked. Zaalbar yowled.

"I think he'll be fine." I smiled. "He knows how to groom himself for special occasions."

"Thank you for sparing me." Zaalbar said. "I hope she doesn't try to brush my teeth."

I left an hour later, feeling exhausted and happy. I had three people, Carth had two, and Z was a witness. The only crew members left were the droids and Jolee. I had a feeling that droids would be best as witnesses, so I ran to Jolee's chamber and banged on his door, cringing.

"Do you think I'm deaf?" He grumbled loudly.

"No, I'm just excited. I have a favor to ask." I panted. "I'd love for you to stand for me at my wedding."

"You got it, kid." Jolee smiled. "Since I don't have to get pretty, I'll just wear some nice robes and be at the ceremony room at four. Carth told me about it already."

"He didn't ask?" I was bewildered.

"Nope. He told me to expect you to ask. Is there anything else?"

"No…" I trailed off.

"Don't be so confused, kid." He chuckled. "You'll be fine. See you at dinner." The door shut. I wandered back to my room, where Carth was figuring something out, but I couldn't tell what.

"Hey, beautiful." He stood up and gave me a hug. "Where've you been all afternoon?"

"Finding my family." I hugged him back, still confused. "It doesn't add up."

"What do you mean?" He asked, concerned.

"Can droids be your family?"

"Not usually, no. They're good witnesses."

"So T3 and HK are the other witnesses?"

"Do you need to have this figured out?" Carth laughed.

"I want to know what I'm up against."

"Trust me," Carth looked me in the eye. "It's nothing you can't handle." I looked at him warily.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure." He smiled. "I've had to move the ceremony around to make sure everything's right. Whether or not you could handle it has always been a factor."

"Okay." I resigned. "What are you working on?"

"I'm just killing time." He sighed. "I was hoping you'd be here this afternoon. We've been so busy; we never got a chance to do anything."

Understanding dawned on me. "This is about taking it slow, isn't it?"

"Sort of." Carth blushed.

"You know, some people wait until the wedding night." I smiled.

"You devious little—" I gave Carth the best "shut up" kiss I could manage.

"That's my line." I said firmly. "Next thing I know you'll be saying you look like hell."

"You're rubbing off on me." Carth grinned. Youth glinted in his eyes. "And if you want to wait, I'll wait. It's only one more day."

"It just seems fitting." I mused.

"I guess it does." He agreed. "I found out when my promotion ceremony will be."

"When's that?" I asked.

"A week after we arrive on Telos. Does that work for you?"

"Sounds great." I smiled. "I'm getting kind of sick of this place."

"Me too, but I'm a bit nervous about returning to Telos." Carth confessed. "I have so many memories, especially of Morgana. I want them to go away, but I can't forget."

"I can't understand what that would be like." I said, concerned.

"I don't want you to." He added. "I'm not too excited about going back, even though we'll be with everyone. I don't know how different it'll be."

"Only time will tell." I assured. "Sometimes you have to face the past to get over it. I know it'll be hard for you, but you have a chance to build a new life on the ruins of your old one. It's a chance not everyone gets."

"You're right."

"As usual." I smiled. "Seriously though, I'm counting on being there for you through the hard times as well as the good times. You promised you'd protect me, and I vowed I'd do the same to you. If we have each others' backs, we're pretty close to invincible."

"You didn't tell me that before."

"I was afraid you'd tell me not to protect you." I explained. "I don't like the idea of one-sided loyalty, so I made a habit of being loyal to those loyal to me."

"I wouldn't be able to do this without you." Carth sighed. "I'd go crazy on Telos by myself."

"I'll do whatever you need me to." I promised. "Even if it's just standing with you while you do what you need to do. My vows to you come before my vows to the Council. I won't let you down."

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people rock my world!**


	12. Moment of Truth

**12. Moment of Truth**

"_You can't go swimming; you don't know what's out there!" Carth exclaimed as I defiantly left the Ebon Hawk, towel in hand._

"_I need to go clear my mind." I called and left before he could argue. Protecting me didn't mean being my mother. I wondered how he could be so controlling. My frustration showed just how grumpy I was. The stress of the voyage must really be getting to me, I mused. I began wading in the water. I strapped the gizmo from Manaan around my waist. It worked for the firaxa; it'd work for whatever was under there. I was getting a hint of pleasure from ticking Carth off, although I felt bad because I wasn't just teasing now. I floated on my back, pulling the button for the sonic emitter so it was on my stomach. The clicking in the water and the sunshine on my skin was soothing. My hair billowed around me, making it easy to imagine I was a mermaid or an exotic beauty that didn't have to worry about saving the galaxy. Peace was hard to find in a world tainted by the Star Forge looming overhead, but I tried to find it. I needed it; I needed to come to terms with myself. I floated aimlessly, pushing the sonic emitter button every few minutes. What did he mean; he thought he could love me? Didn't I give him a chance already? It sounded almost like a cop-out, like a change-your-mind-free card. Why did my thoughts always turn to him? I closed my eyes for a moment, almost meditating. I wouldn't give in to fear. I would do what I had to do, but I hated my life waiting on other people. I felt something moving in the water. Horror overcame me as I wondered what Carth would do if I'd died because I hadn't listened to him. I pushed the button a couple times frantically and shifted, treading water. It was Carth._

"_If it's so dangerous, what are you doing out here?" I scowled._

"_I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me." He treaded water beside me. His hair was wet and it wasn't helping my attraction to him. I remembered that there might be unseen sea beasts, so I should stay on my guard and not jump him in the water. _

"_I'm not mad, I'm just capable of doing things on my own." I pushed my sonic emitter button._

"_You're smarter than I give you credit for." Carth beamed. "Now get out of here. We need you on the Hawk."_

I woke up the morning of the ceremony wishing I was floating in the ocean again instead of having to worry about telling Dustil that I killed his mother and then asking permission to marry his father. I sighed, realizing I couldn't blow up all my problems, like I had the Star Forge, although it would be fun. I amused myself for a few moments, imagining my interrogator's head blowing up in an extremely low-budget holocron kind of way. I tried to keep my imagination from blowing up Jedi masters and things, because that was just plain vindictive. I rolled over, my feet dangling off the bed. I sat up and stretched, then realized that I didn't know where Carth was. He wasn't in the room and I couldn't hear the fresher running, so I figured he'd headed down to the restaurant for breakfast. I pulled a decent-looking robe on, thinking I'd shower closer to the ceremony. The last thing I wanted was for Canderous to refuse me because I stunk and then having a good laugh over it. I was way too nervous about this. I figured Carth couldn't be as worried. I went to the restaurant, but no one was there. I ate some mush quickly. Where was he? I didn't particularly like hunting him down.

"There you are!" Carth's voice said behind me, making me almost choke on my last spoonful of gruel. "I've been looking for you all morning!"

"You didn't look too hard," I laughed. "I was in bed. Where were you?"

"Looking for you." He sat down. I wasn't convinced. He was up to something. I offered him some fruit, which he refused. "I already ate."

"So what do I do today?" I asked, putting down my spoon and standing up, walking with him through the streets of town.

"I wanted to catch you before lunch. After that, I won't see you until the ceremony." Carth said vacantly.

"Bad luck?"

"Something like that," Carth's eyes glinted, telling me I was completely wrong.

"There's something you're not telling me."

"It's a surprise." He grinned. It would be pointless to pry, so I changed the subject. "What about the rings?"

"Taken care of. You keep the engagement ring until the ceremony." Carth explained quickly.

"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned. His pace was quick and he had a vacant look in his eyes. I took his arm and stopped walking. He turned and looked at me.

"I'm fine, just a little nervous." He smiled waveringly. "I just have some things to take care of. I'll be back at our room at four to take you to the ceremony, so you'll need to be ready then. Don't worry about the cloak, I've got it taken care of." He kissed me.

"I can't wait." I whispered.

"Trust me, you're going to love the surprise." He beamed. "See you later."

"What about lunch?" I called.

"You'll have to get it on your own, gorgeous. I've got to run." I watched him run off into the city. I sighed, realizing I had better get back and start wrestling the dress. I didn't feel like wearing red at my wedding somehow, so I stopped into the dress shop. I had credits to burn, and this was my wedding. I picked out a yellow gown that was just as elegant, if not more so, as my red dress. I was proud of myself for having some taste. I stopped by a clinic to make sure everything was in line and up to date. It didn't take too long to get my shots, so I began to head back to my room, stopping at Juhani's and Mission's on the way.

"Carth is picking me up at four. Could you come early?" I asked gingerly.

"Of course!" Juhani exclaimed. "I'll be over right after I get out of the fresher." Bastila's response was the same. I felt a slight disturbance in the Force when I was around her. I couldn't tell what exactly it was, and I didn't feel like figuring it out. I took a very quick shower, figuring that clean is clean, but it mattered if I looked good. I pulled on some of my nicer new underwear, including the now-familiar strapless bra. The satiny material felt good against my cleaned and buffed skin. I stepped into my dress and pulled it up past my waist. The skirt was quite billowy, giving me the illusion of hips I didn't have. I pulled the bodice up and was wrestling with the decorative sleeves, which looked like delicate bracelets with yellow veils that would reach my wrists, when someone knocked.

"Come in!" I called. "It should be open!" Bastila came in and I got a knot in my stomach. Something was off. "Can you help me put this thing on?"

"You picked this out yourself?" She asked, incredulous.

"Yes, and it'll fall off if you don't tie it on now." Bastila laughed. She unfastened one strap from the bodice, put my arm in place and fastened it again. I didn't have a wide range of motion in these sleeves, but I'd live. She adjusted the organza sleeves that attached to the straps and laced the back of the dress up. I was grateful for those laces as I wasn't nearly well-enough endowed to keep it up unless it was twelve sizes smaller.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, tying the lace and making sure everything lay flat and was tied tight. There were decorative bits that matched the sleeves on the front of my bodice as well. I had decided for a more elaborate Nabooian style.

"I'm a little nervous about what to say to Dustil." I confessed, sighing. "Somehow, 'Hey, I'm Darth Revan. I killed your mother. Do I still have your blessing?' isn't exactly convincing to me."

"He doesn't know?" Bastila asked.

"I didn't tell him." I sighed again. "It's not exactly good conversation for a party or a Sith academy."

"Come in!" Bastila called. I hadn't heard anyone knock, but Mission and Juhani came in, expressing approval of the dress. Juhani threw a fresh towel over my dress to keep from messing it up while my hair and face were attacked. Mission brought a stool into the washroom.

"Stand next to the stool." Mission ordered. She pulled my skirt over it. Having a stool in your skirt is a weird feeling, believe me. "Now sit. That way your skirt won't get wrinkled."

"Oh, good idea." I smiled. Bastila turned my shoulders so I faced the mirror.

"What should we do with her hair?" I watched Bastila bite her lip in thought via the mirror. "We shouldn't do the same thing we did last time."

"We have more time." Juhani smiled and lifted my damp locks playfully.

"I'm going to be wearing a cloak, so it can't be something that would be messed up with a hood." I offered.

"I know!" Mission cried. "I'll be right back!" She dashed out of the room.

"We could do a crown style," Bastila began. "You do such a good job with my hair."

"I think she needs something looser." Juhani said critically. "Carth doesn't call her a Jedi princess regularly." I giggled.

"What if we pinned it half up, like we did before, only more elaborately?" Bastila offered. "I wonder what Mission's doing." I was afraid to enter the conversation.

"What do you think, Ciara?" Juhani asked.

"I want to look… pretty." I stammered, unsure. They laughed.

"Alright, we can do that." Bastila grinned. "An updo would be stunning."

"Yes," Juhani nodded, her mind wandering. "A loose updo."

"Perhaps something more toward the back of her head," Bastila mused.

"I'm back!" Mission called. I tried turning my head, but Juhani's hands kept it in place.

"Oh, those are wonderful!" Bastila cried. "I have an idea."

I swear I was there for an hour letting Bastila and Juhani play tug-o-war with my hair. They scrunched it until it was all curly. I thought they'd use the planet's entire supply of salon gunk. Then the pinning began. They pinned my hair firmly to my scalp, creating a loose bun high on the back of my head. My scalp felt assaulted. It hurt a little bit, but I was used to bizarre pain. When it was mostly up, Juhani started handing Bastila pins and chatted with Mission while they got ready.

"I'm tired of surprises." I sighed, hoping that Mission would reveal her great idea after that hint. "Carth has one for me."

"Really?" Juhani looked puzzled. "What kind of surprise?"

"A really good one." I explained. "I can't figure it out."

"You're not supposed to." Mission laughed. "Well, I'll get mine out of the way." She set armfuls of wildflowers on the counter. They smelled wonderful. "We're putting them in your hair." She grinned.

"That's the kind of surprise I like." I sighed again.

"You're full of sighs today." Juhani observed, pulling on the right side of my head while Bastila took the left. They were working faster. It was almost time. My stomach felt like it was trying to hide behind my kidneys.

"I'm supposed to be, I'm getting married." I replied tritely as Mission began sticking flowers in my hair. She was wearing a silver gown. Bastila was in blue, and Juhani was in green. "I'm nervous. What should I say to Dustil?"

Bastila sighed and looked at me in the mirror. "Are you sure he doesn't know?"

"I don't know if Carth told him." I screwed up my face.

"You have to take your chances." Juhani said decisively. Don't try to throw it at him at the ceremony."

"But it's not fair if…" I couldn't just let Dustil make a decision this important without the information.

"He knows." Mission said vacantly. "I've mentioned it anyway."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I exclaimed.

"Close your mouth and your eyes." Juhani ordered calmly. I did so. A brush attacked my face and the scent of powder wafted through the air. It felt like all three of them were working overtime on my face. I wrinkled my nose. "Don't make faces, Ciara."

"I thought you knew." Mission explained. "If I'd known you were so nervous, I would've told you. Dustil adores you. You'll be fine." I took a deep breath and relaxed. "At least you're not puking, though."

"Bastila—" I began.

"Now isn't the time to discuss this." Bastila said sternly. Mission was about to say something, but didn't. I could almost feel Bastila's look of death.

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Ciara," Bastila said slowly, "you're too kind. You need to worry about you being okay or you'll fall down at the ceremony."

"Almost done…" Juhani said through pursed lips. Another pin jabbed my scalp as a pencil grazed my eyelid. Ribbon circled my neck four times in a loose necklace.

"Do you have the ring?" Bastila asked.

"Wearing it." I held up my hand. "Carth has the new ones."

"Right." Bastila said. "Which shoes do you want?"

"White sandals." Juhani pointed. "I brought them over from my room. I hope they fit." My face was still being assaulted by cosmetics when I felt sandals on my feet. My shoes were going on; it was almost showtime. I got a lump in my throat.

"Okay, open your eyes." Mission said. I did. For all the makeup on my face, it looked surprisingly natural and fresh, albeit dressed up for the ceremony. My jaw trembled. I was nervous. My hair was curly and looked like it was held up by half a field of wildflowers.

"I'm scared." I said weakly. Bastila smiled.

"I know." She said.

"You looked so calm," I started.

"I was scared to death." She finished. "You'll make it." I wanted to start crying.

"Don't cry." Juhani ordered. "Think of something that won't make you cry."

"I can't think of anything." I said sadly.

"Think about… Carth in the Mandalorian armor." Juhani suggested. I started laughing. "There you go."

"Carth did what!" Bastila exclaimed.

"I tried to get him to give Canderous the talk about how soldiers defend the galaxy from warriors – in full Mandalorian uniform." I said, stifling giggles. Mission sprayed me with perfume and rushed to the door. Bastila laughed.

"I think we're all ready." Juhani's smile was nervous.

"Let's do this. I'm ready." I said. I don't think my tone could have convinced a lobotomized Gamorrean. Bastila and Juhani linked arms with me, helping me to the ground while Mission moved the stool out of the way. My legs were shaky.

"Are you decent?" A voice called from the door.

"If I say no, will it stop you?" I replied.

"Only this once."

"I'm decent." The door opened. Carth stood in full dress uniform, complete with his new admiral medals. He was wearing a white cloak, like he'd mentioned before. It didn't look wonderful, but it was tradition.

"They let me have the medals early." He explained. "You look great."

"You look pretty good yourself." I smiled, leaning in to kiss him.

"I forgot to tell you—" He started. "No kissing until the end of the ceremony."

"What?" I exclaimed. "That's a lousy surprise."

"It's not the surprise." He smiled and nodded at the girls.

"See you in a few!" Mission called, waving over her shoulder as she walked out with Juhani and Bastila. I waved weakly.

"No one will know…" I offered. Carth put the cloak around my shoulders and fastened it. I carefully pulled the hood over my head. Carth put his hood on.

"We'll know." Carth sighed. "Let's go." He offered me his arm, which I took.

"Where is this ceremony?" I asked.

"Traditionally, it takes place in a circular room, like I told you, but we're doing it a little differently." A shuttle took us to the edge of a forest. We walked along a path leading deeper into the woods. I felt like I was in a miniature Kashyyyk. "You'll speak to those standing for me in the order of seniority: oldest to youngest. After you speak to the youngest, you will reach the witnesses. I'll get there at the same time, and the mediator will hear our vows. Then we're made fully legal." He beamed.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I just found out more." He kept smiling. "Besides, this is about when we find out what happens. I'm told that you only really get it once you do it."

"That sounds dirty." I commented, even though it didn't really make sense. I was deprived.

"Get your mind out of the gutter." He grinned. "This is a family affair."

"How did you find out this new information?" We were entering a small clearing in the woods. Our path led to a deep ravine with a creek at the bottom. We turned a corner and I saw a gathering of people. Carth only smiled at me mischievously, unlinked his arm from mine, and took my hand. "Wait, what do I say?"

"Just… repeat everything." Carth suggested. "Say something like, 'I'm honored to be accepted into the family as…' and then you say what your relation to them would be. Trust me; you'll use that one a lot."

"Families, friends, the couple have arrived!" Jolee's friend pronounced. Talking ceased and the small crowd parted into two. Mission stood nearest to me, then Bastila, Juhani, and finally Jolee. I wanted to walk toward them, but Carth's pace insisted that I walk toward the mediator. I smiled weakly and walked past Dustil, Canderous, and – Carth's parents.

"You didn't tell me they were still alive!" I whispered.

"You never asked." He grinned and squeezed my hand. "Surprise." I smiled nervously at them. His mother nodded and his father smiled back.

"As tradition dictates, the families of the intendeds are to determine the eligibility of this couple to marry. Admiral Onasi, who stands for you?"

"My father, General Han Onasi; my mother, Elena Onasi; my friend, Canderous Ordo; and my son, Dustil Onasi." I ran his parents' names over in my head. What was I supposed to call them? Why didn't I ever ask about them?

"Very well. Jedi Ciara Orion, who stands for you?"

"My friends, Jolee Bindo, Padawan Juhani, Padawan Bastila Shan – I mean Bastila Ordo – and Mission Vao."

"Have you no living blood relatives?" The mediator asked perfunctorily.

"None that I know of." A hint of lamentation crept into my voice.

"Very well. Admiral, proceed to Mr. Bindo; Ciara, proceed to General Onasi." Carth's hand left mine.

"Ciara, it's wonderful to finally meet you." General Onasi smiled.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too, General –"

"Please, call me Han." He smiled further. "Do you call Carth 'Admiral'?" I laughed nervously and shook my head. "My goodness, child, you're shaking like a leaf!"

"Carth didn't tell me you were going to be here." He laughed. I couldn't help but notice that he and Carth shared the same laugh.

"He caused you to be this nervous? I'll have to have a word with him. Just keep breathing, you'll be okay." I relaxed a bit, but wondered when the interrogation would begin. "Anyway, I've heard so much about you."

"Is that good?" I asked. He laughed again.

"Well, it was quite a tale. I know about how you defeated Darth Revan."

"How much did he tell you about that?" I asked nervously.

"You mean did he tell me that you were Darth Revan? Of course he did." I was relieved. For someone who seemed to hate directness, Carth had direct parents. "I was troubled at first, but Elena and I have had a lot of time to talk to Carth. He's not the boy he was when he married Morgana." Elena shot Han a stern look.

"Don't compare them, it's not fair." She hissed.

"It's not your turn yet!" Han grinned. "He's grown up quite a bit. He told us the whole saga about how you two got together. It's a great story, and I'm convinced that you've beaten Revan once and for all. You do know that the Republic hasn't officially recognized you as Revan, right?" I was puzzled. He looked over my head and I longed to turn around, but didn't for fear of being rude. He put a large hand on my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek. "We'll talk about this later. You have my blessing. I would be honored to have you as a daughter." I returned the kiss, relieved.

"I accept your blessing and would be honored to call you father." I said. It seemed appropriate, considering it's what Carth told me to do. Han's face told me I said it right, so I moved in front of Elena.

"I'm sorry Han insisted on comparing you to Morgana." Her brow furrowed. "But I suppose it won't be the last time. I didn't want to do it, but here I am. Morgana didn't want a traditional ceremony, and Carth let her walk all over him. It was sad, to tell the truth." A look of wistfulness came into her eyes. "Morgana was wonderful at first, but… this isn't the time to speak of it. Carth told us that you were Revan after telling us all about you. I admit, I was troubled. I didn't want my only son getting into trouble again with another woman who sounded so wonderful. I went to the archives and watched your interrogation. I wanted to be convinced this time that my boy was making the right decision. I want to protect him." She smiled. "And I found you fully reformed. I found you were a delightful person. When he asked Han and me to come to Alderaan for the wedding, I was elated." Her grin widened. "Please accept my blessing and invitation into our family. I would be honored to have such a wonderful daughter." She kissed my cheek, and I returned it.

"Of course I accept, honoring the opportunity to call you mother. I wish I could say Carth told me wonderful stories about you, but he never did." Elena laughed.

"If he won't tell you stories, I will." She promised. "I have holos of him as a baby. He was quite the troublemaker." I laughed. I could tell she and I would get along wonderfully. "Time to move on." She assured, patting my shoulder. I figured that the looks over my head were to ensure that the ceremony moved smoothly, not just to reinforce my shortness. I sighed in relief.

"Hey, kid." Canderous grinned. "I don't have a history with Onasi like his folks do, but I know you're the best thing that happened to him."

"Thanks," I blushed.

"And I don't really have anything else to say, except you have my blessing and all that. I guess this would make you my sister or something." He kissed my cheek and I found myself kissing him again, wondering if Carth did this on purpose. "And I wish you many strong babies, although they'll be runts compared to mine." He grinned, showing the gap between his front teeth.

"I'd be honored to have you as a brother." I said almost mechanically. Dustil was next and the lump in my throat grew. "Even though Bastila's my sister now and you married her, so…"

"Technicalities." Canderous scoffed and motioned for me to move on to Dustil. "Congratulations, Mrs. Pretty Boy." I rolled my eyes and moved so I was in front of Dustil.

"Dustil, did Carth tell you—" I began. I must have been really brave or really stupid to bring this up.

"Yes," Dustil said. "He told me while you were still in interrogation. I studied the trial, like Grandmother did, and we talked them over. It's been hard for me to wrap my head around." He used the same expression as Carth had for the same situation.

"I can imagine." I said sympathetically.

"I was troubled about it, sure. Like Grandfather said, the Republic has no official statement about you being Revan. I guess it's for your protection. Anyway, that's not what we're here to discuss." He took a deep breath. "I'm a man of my word. I gave you my blessing at the party, and I won't retract it."

"I'd understand if—" I started, but fell silent when Dustil smiled.

"I've forgiven you. It hurts sometimes, but I like to think everything happens for a reason. Father is so happy now; I'd like to think this is the reason." He kissed me on the cheek. "You have my blessing, as before, and I would be honored to call you mother." I had to hold back tears again. When did I get to be such a crybaby?

"The honor is mine to be accepted into this family." I kissed him lightly, "and to have you as my son." I moved in front of the witnesses, in near perfect timing with Carth. The mediator had moved across the circle.

"Witnesses, do you deem this couple worthy to marry?" He asked. T3 beeped enthusiastically.

"Definitely!" Zaalbar roared.

"Affirmative: the two meatbags seem most suitable for each other."

"The witnesses have arrived at a unanimous decision. Is there dissent in the families?" Silence. My heart leapt. This was it. "Congratulations, the hard part's over." Jolee's friend smiled. Carth turned to face me and I did the same. "Carth, do you solemnly swear to love, protect, and care for Ciara?"

"I do solemnly swear to love, protect, and care for Ciara, no matter what happens, for the rest of my life." Carth took my hand.

"Ciara, do you solemnly swear to love, protect, and care for Carth?"

"Yes." I stammered. "I do solemnly swear, to love, protect, and care for Carth, through good times and bad, as long as I live." I wondered if I'd messed it up too bad. _I also solemnly swear to tease him until there isn't a breath left in my body._ Carth gave me a look that said he could read my thoughts.

"Let it be known," the mediator's voice boomed, "that on this day, this couple has thus vowed to each other, beginning a new life together. The morning sun symbolizes the beginning of your new lives as one whole made up of two. You are not halves making up a whole; you are two whole people joining to make something greater. May you have happiness and prosperity throughout your lives together." I grinned, wondering if it was time to kiss yet. "The rings?" T3 beeped and wheeled himself over to us. "Let these rings symbolize your commitment to each other made upon this day. Wear them proudly, for you have each earned the respect of the other's family. From this day forward, your families are as one. From this day until the end of time, you shall be joined in matrimony." He nodded slightly at Carth, who slipped the silver ring engraved with a variation of the Onasi design on my finger.

"I love you, Ciara." He smiled, his eyes moist. "And I promise to be with you forever." The mediator handed me Carth's ring.

"I love you, Carth." I felt like I was repeating everything fed to me. "I promise you my utmost loyalty." He grinned. I'd said something right. Tears welled up in my eyes. I fought them again.

"I now pronounce you man and wife, with all the rights and privileges therein." He took the hoods off our heads. I stood there, frozen. "That means you can kiss him." The mediator smiled. A breeze shook the leaves of the forest as though the very trees were applauding as Carth and I kissed for the first time as a married couple. It was a very corny holovid moment. I loved it.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Now we eat." Carth smiled, picking me up and carrying me toward the shuttle. He was giddy again.

"I can walk, you know." I laughed, swinging my feet.

"I know." He grinned. "But I feel like carrying you." He swung me down gently when we reached the shuttle. "It was an experiment to see if it felt different from when I carried you on Taris." He added.

"Oh?" I asked, entering the shuttle. "Or are you just making fun of me?" The families filed on after us.

"It was a lot different." He grinned. "I'm a lot happier now."

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people are the best!**


	13. Not Like the Holovids

**13. Not Like the Holovids**

Dinner was the best meal I could remember eating. I chatted with my new parents-in-law, still amazed that Carth had neglected to tell me about them. I found that the cloaks had been used by Carth's parents at their ceremony.

"Now it's your job to preserve them until the next family member is married." Elena explained. "I kept ours in a box; Carth knows what it's like. Just ask him about it until he tells you."

I smiled. "I'm glad I'm not the only one that has to drag information out of him." Elena laughed.

"He's never been too forthcoming." She began to tell a story of his childhood when Bastila interrupted.

"You weren't on Telos when it was attacked, were you?" She asked.

"We moved to Coruscant." Elena explained, "It was right before Telos was destroyed. We've lived there ever since."

"Do you like it there?" I asked.

"It's not bad, but I miss the space we had on Telos." She sighed. "We just figured it wouldn't be targeted by the Sith. It was a decision of safety."

"We're moving back as soon as we can." Han insisted. Elena didn't look convinced. I smiled.

"Any more surprises?" I asked Carth as our dinner plates were taken away by the waitress.

"Would you believe me if I said no?"

"Nope." I smiled.

"Then yes." He took a sip of water. "I thought we'd leave after dessert and have a quiet evening without interruptions."

"Sounds good to me. Would it be rude to just leave?"

"I think everyone's surprised we've stayed this long. It's a good surprised. Everyone has their ideas of what's going to happen." He lowered his voice. "What about the bond with Bastila?"

"She's got it taken care of." I smiled. "She knows we'll want privacy. I'm sure she has something else to concentrate on." Carth looked confused, but I made it fairly clear that it wasn't the time to discuss Bastila. As much as I wanted to duck out early, dessert was worth staying. A medley of fruits and chocolate were presented in cakes, tarts, and candies that made me salivate just looking at them. The excitement began to wear off. By the time Carth and I left for our room, I felt like I'd known his parents as long as I'd known him. Part of me never wanted the evening to end, but when I got back to the room and remembered the layers of makeup on my face, I was glad I could scrape it off before it got out of control. After I took off my sandals, I made a beeline for the washroom mirror and got a washcloth out.

"Do you have to wash it off now?" Carth asked impatiently from the other room.

"Yes." I said stubbornly, scrubbing my face until it was red, because I knew the red was in fact my skin. "Because when I'm done, my face is going to be all red and wet and it's going to look like hell." I grinned. He rolled his eyes. I couldn't see it, but I could tell.

"No fair. I'm all the way over here." He sighed.

"Just give me a minute. They layered it on good." I was getting sick of scrubbing. Finally, the washcloth began to come clean after I'd wiped my face with it. I patted my face dry and went into the other room. Carth had removed his boots and jacket and had unbuttoned his shirt. He wasn't wearing a full tunic as underwear, like he had throughout the voyage.

"Took you long enough." He smiled. I got nervous again. I was stuck. I couldn't take it slow, but I couldn't plan it out. I stood there, staring at him for a long time, wondering what to do. I figured I'd feel better once I got out of the dress.

"Would you undo my sleeves?" I asked innocently. His rough fingertips grazed my arm as he unfastened the sleeves from my bodice. My heart beat faster. Maybe I'd be okay after all, especially if I got all amorous when he touched me. "Untie me too?" I asked after the sleeves were off. He smiled.

"Sure thing." The laces loosened and the dress started slipping. I caught it before it fell on the floor. I turned to face Carth, who was grinning stupidly. "What? I like your new underwear."

I blushed modestly. "Thanks." I stepped out of the dress and took it to the closet to hang it up. It felt strangely liberating to be comfortable walking around in my underwear. There was softness in Carth's eyes that I'd rarely seen before. He put his arms around me and pulled me against him, kissing my forehead. I was in a state of slight disbelief. I was married. I didn't feel any different. I ran my hands up and down his back. He felt the same. The feeling of his skin against mine was exhilarating. My mind wandered to how great his butt looked in the pants of his dress uniform. Was I supposed to be different? His left hand stroked my face, gently tilting my chin upward. I wanted to say a million mushy things about loving him, but he kissed me, interrupting my thoughts. It was deep and gentle, passionate and loving, everything I could imagine. His shirt was unbuttoned all the way, so I slid it off his shoulders. He moved his arms, allowing it to drop, without missing a beat. I caressed his back lightly with the tips of my fingers, giving him goosebumps. Doubts had fallen from my mind. I was filled with happiness. He withdrew his lips from mine.

"I forgot to take my socks off." He explained. Of course a love scene between the former Dark Lord of the Sith and an admiral for the Republic fleet wouldn't be like it was in the holovids. I smiled, still overcome. I sat down at the foot of the bed next to him as he removed his socks. He looked at me adoringly.

"We're a couple of idiots." I knew I was giving him the same look.

"At least we're happy." As we began kissing again, I realized that this was the most normal pre-kissing conversation that we'd had. Moments later, I stopped caring. I was too enveloped in Carth to care about anything else.

I'd be lying if I said that neither of us had ulterior motives or that I forgot them at any point, but his approach made me feel like he had more important things in mind than finishing his business and falling asleep. I relished each of the sensations. It was like a good romance holo, only it never faded to black or panned to the window at the right moment. I had to open my eyes every once in a while to make sure I was still there.

"What if someone knocks?" I asked nervously.

"We ignore them." Carth replied.

"I'm scared." I said meekly. He took a deep breath and smiled at me kindly. "Not that you…" Why was I trying to make conversation? "I must be the most damn awkward woman you've ever met."

"Pretty much." Carth laughed. He hugged me. "How's your asteroid?"

"Took you long enough to ask." The short break helped a bit. "I'm fine." I was slowly regaining my composure. "I'm just trying not to do the spontaneous combustion thing."

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked.

"Of course I'm okay." I smiled haphazardly. "I just wanted a break, that's all."

"We haven't done anything yet." He argued weakly.

"Tough luck." I grinned. "It's a lot for me to wrap my mind around."

"You're going to put it off forever, aren't you?"

"No." I said firmly. "I'm just nervous. Don't be upset." I pushed the stray hairs from his forehead and stroked his face gently. "I just haven't tripped or fallen off anything recently, so I'm waiting for it." Carth smiled.

"So if I push you off the bed…"

"No." I laughed. "But don't say I didn't warn you about it happening when it does."

"Fair enough."

"Okay, I think I can handle a little more." I wrapped my arms around Carth's bare torso. The sensation was overwhelming, but slowly becoming familiar. One of his feet rubbed mine. I hadn't watched enough holovids to know what to do. I wasn't even sure if I'd done this before, but I seemed to move instinctively as though I knew what was happening next. He sure as hell knew what he was doing. The fade-to-black never came. I was flooded with sundry memories.

"_Did you have to flirt with that Sith core-slime?" Carth demanded._

"_It was the easiest way." I thought I heard Carth mutter something about me being easy. "What did you call me, flyboy?"_

"_Nothing! I just said I thought you weren't like those easy cantina dancers." I rolled my eyes. We stumbled upon a Twi'lek who needed a dance partner._ _Carth didn't seem too pleased that I'd offered to help._

"_Why shouldn't I help her?" I asked before he could say anything._

"_I didn't think you were like that." Carth looked disappointed. _

"_Don't make me throw you over my knee and spank you!" Carth taunted._

"_Is that a promise?" I raised my eyebrows flirtatiously. He stammered a response and changed the subject quickly._

"_What was she like, your wife?"_

"_A little like you."_

"_Do you have to go out there by yourself?" Carth demanded, motioning toward the ocean floor of Manaan._

"_There's only one suit." I said stubbornly. "I've told you a hundred times. If you feel like going out to play with the sharkies, you do so at your own risk."_

"_There has to be another suit around here somewhere." Carth said frantically. Juhani sighed._

"_Carth, we've looked."_

"_She can't go out there alone!" He cried._

"_Oh no! The mama sharkie found me! Blarg, I'm dead!" I called angrily._

"_Don't be childish." Carth argued as I slammed the airlock door. He pounded on the glass, motioning for me to come back. A firaxa blocked my view of the ocean floor. I pressed the button about a hundred times in one second. When I realized I was still alive, I tried to flip Carth off, but it didn't work in the environment suit._

"_You'll have to make a big decision soon."_

"_You've been telling me this since Taris." I teased, but he wasn't biting._

"_No, I know it's really soon this time."_

"_Right." I smirked, putting my hand on my hip. I hadn't seen Carth in such favorable lighting since Dantooine. "The fact that we're right below the Star Forge never gave you a hint?" He rolled his eyes._

"_Why couldn't I hate you?" He asked._

"_I'm too cute?" I tried. "Or is it my charm and wit? Or something more banal, like my tight butt?"_

"_You're going into that temple alone?" Carth changed the subject._

"_Why not? That's how they want me to do it."_

"_It's dangerous!" Carth protested. "I'm going with you."_

"_We cannot perform the ritual if someone's with you." The Rakata answered my question. I really did want Carth with me. He'd been by my side unfalteringly for so long. What if I strayed because he wasn't there? I knew there was no bargaining._

"_Sorry, flyboy." I said, trying to hide my disappointment, but he still caught it. "They won't budge."_

"_Make the right decision." Carth pleaded. "For me?" My insides melted._

"_I promise I'll come out alive." I kept a straight face._

"_If you ever doubt for one second a reason to follow the path you've chosen…" he began, but stopped to compose himself. "I want you to make it past this. I still want to give you the future you gave me after Saul."_

_The Rakata were getting a little impatient. I hugged Carth. "I promise I'll do the right thing." I didn't know if Carth would come through on his promise to give me a future, but I knew he'd try. There would be no chance of it working if I didn't do my part._

"_You did it!" He exclaimed. "I knew you would!" We were all happy that I'd survived this test, but I knew it wouldn't be the last. I maintained my composure, even though Carth made it difficult when he said, "I love you and I can't wait until all of this is over." A year of innuendo caught up to me. What was he going to do when all of this was over? I could hardly wait either. _

And here I was, finding out what a year of innuendo meant, what he couldn't wait for. I was right to anticipate it.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people make posting worthwhile!**


	14. Urgent Message

**14. Urgent Message**

It was still dark when I woke up. Carth was throwing a robe on and running toward the room's transmitter, where he was getting an urgent message.

"What time is it?" I asked groggily.

"It's hard to tell if it's too late or too early to talk." He was testy, regardless of what he'd told me on Taris. I heard his hand come down heavily on the "accept" button on the transmitter. "Yes, Admiral Dodonna?"

"Carth, I hate to do this to you, but the fleet needs you to come to Telos as soon as possible to begin reconstruction." She sounded stern. "I know it must be the middle of the night there, but I need you to leave first thing in the morning. General Organa – the team leader of the Telos reconstruction effort – is growing impatient."

"I haven't taken any longer than the leave I was granted." Carth's voice was tight. He was upset. "I was going to report to Telos in two or three days, which is still well within the parameters we set last week."

"I know," her tone was apologetic, "but the general is desperate for help as soon as possible. He wanted me to tell you to leave now, but I convinced him that a few hours wouldn't hurt. He wants you to come early because he understands that you'll want a few days' leave for your promotion ceremony."

"I don't need a day off for the ceremony. I'd like to take my leave now, if that's possible. I just got married and—"

"I understand, but he's very stubborn. I suggest you leave as soon as you can this morning. I negotiated as much as I could."

"Thanks, Admiral. I'll gather my crew and leave for Telos in the morning." He was resigned. "Is there anything else?"

"That will be all. Thanks, Carth, and congratulations." The transmission ended. He muttered profanity and moved slowly across the room before collapsing on the bed.

"We have to leave in the morning." He grumbled. "I was going to visit with my parents for a few days."

"You tried your best." I offered, pulling him under the covers with me. "It's irritating being one of the heroes of the galaxy, isn't it?"

"I never want a transmitter in my room again." He sighed, exasperated. "Did I ever say I wanted vacation time for the promotion?"

"Not that I recall." I consoled. "I guess it was assumed."

"So I get vacation for a promotion but not for getting married?" He shook his head. "I wish he had his priorities straight." I put my arms around him, trying to comfort him.

"It could be worse." I said, after a moment of silence. "They could put us in separate hemispheres of the planet."

"I wouldn't put it past them." His tone was still agitated.

"You know I'd throw a fit." I smiled. "They'd have to give in or face my wrath."

"It's probably not a good idea to threaten your wrath like that." He smiled back.

"This is why they should never mess with me." I kissed his temple. "Or you, for that matter. Now I need to get back to my beauty sleep." I lay back down. Carth pressed his chest against my back, holding me as I drifted off to sleep and dreamt of Admiral Dodonna sending us all kinds of crazy demands. I dreamt we never made it to Telos and this "general" character sent a Sith armada after us. The next time I woke up, light was beginning to filter into the room. I untangled myself from Carth and the sheets and hopped in the fresher. I wanted to see my friends again. I had an impending sense of doom that we'd be separated again. I took deep breaths, trying not to hate the general before I met him. I stepped out of the fresher and into the washroom, which was full of steam. Carth walked toward the fresher.

"Save some for the Selkath." He smirked.

"I was just thinking." I sighed. "I get this feeling that they're going to separate us, not just the two of us, but the whole crew."

"It wouldn't surprise me." He obviously didn't want to talk about it, so I let it drop and got dressed. He was still in the fresher when I'd finished drying my hair, so I began to pack my things. I was sad to be leaving, even though Alderaan wasn't my home. I sat down and meditated a little. I'd probably have to be more of a Jedi on Telos. Bastila's energy was strange, something I'd never felt before, but I wasn't horribly concerned. I noticed how much weaker our bond had become. I began to think what would become of Mission. Griff was going to meet us on Telos. I had to quell feelings of anger thinking of him deserting her again. I tried to focus on my breathing to keep from worrying about my friends. I had a talent of being a little too concerned about them with no real reason. I listened to my breathing and the sounds in the room. It was clean and began to feel impersonal again. I separated myself from it. I couldn't let sentimentality get the better of me or else I'd never leave. I felt better after letting go of this place and the memory of my fit of insanity. I opened my eyes again. Tears had streamed down my face. I wiped them, confused. I stood up and continued packing. Juhani and Carth (I was now thoroughly convinced that he'd been there) had provided me with a ton of clothes. I was used to my wardrobe being a couple of increasingly tattered Jedi robes. I liked having clothes without holes that came in colors that weren't brown. I smiled slightly. Tears continued to tickle my cheeks.

"Are you okay?" Carth asked as he came out of the washroom.

"It's nothing new." I shrugged. "I'm afraid we'll get separated." He pursed his lips.

"It won't happen." He said firmly. "I won't let it; you won't let it. No one wants to be separated. They'll have to fight the lot of us." I found little comfort in his conviction, but it was enough to get me through the final packing and heading out, only to find that we'd be "dining" aboard the Ebon Hawk. I hoped I would have the chance to spend hours with Carth doing mushy things, especially considering the timing, but he was just as testy as he'd been in the middle of the night.

"Carth, please! Just one more meal here!" Mission begged.

"There's nothing I can do." Carth sighed. "We have to go now. They'd better give us a banquet when we get there." Zaalbar agreed whole-heartedly. Aboard the Hawk, Jolee tried to keep all of us in good spirits: he made caffa and gruel. He added some spices and sugar to it so it was palatable and even had a taste.

"Thanks, Jolee." Juhani was tired and disappointed. "I only wish you would have cooked before." It was weird to be back on the ship. Everyone habitually went back to where they'd enjoyed hanging around on the voyage, with a few exceptions. Mission and Zaalbar played Pazaak in the starboard quarters. I did some fighting simulations with HK to keep him from whimpering about going pacifist. Juhani and Jolee had become fast friends and were arranging medical supplies in the medical bay. Canderous stood in the cockpit with Bastila, regaling Carth with his Basilisk war droid story as proof of his piloting abilities. Carth was in a mood that was barely good enough to tolerate Canderous' talk. Canderous was utterly jovial.

"Are you all right, Bastila?" I asked softly.

"My mother –" She began. Sadness filled her eyes.

"I'm sorry." I said, hugging her. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks. I knew you'd offer to listen."

"It's what I do best." I assured.

"Canderous has been very helpful." Bastila stated.

"If he wasn't, he'd have to answer to me." I half-threatened. Bastila's glare made me retract the half-threat. "I'm glad."

"I don't want to speak of it any more." Bastila let me go and looked at the floor. She absorbed herself in listening to Canderous' stories. He put his arm around her reassuringly and kept talking. Carth stared blankly into space. Finally, Telos was in sight. The surface looked horrible: war-torn and charred. A small space station was circling the planet.

"Citadel Station." Carth sighed. "That's where we're docking."

"Are you all right?" Bastila asked gently.

"I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it." Carth's eyes never left some point on the station, except to look at controls occasionally. I put a hand on Carth's shoulder. He seemed to ignore it. I made a conscious effort not to feel hurt by his brush-off. I went to the port quarters and dug out my big fat blanket before I lay myself on a cold bunk and stared at the ceiling. I got cold too easily to just lie in the crew quarters without my blanket.

"_That thing is ugly and ridiculous." Jolee laughed. "Why do you have it?"_

"_I have the core temperature of Hoth." I suggested. "I can't sleep in these cold quarters, so I got myself a blanket."_

"_Which dead body in the sewers did you pick it off?" Carth teased. "That thing smells like…"_

"_Heaven." I grinned. Carth groaned. "It's comfortable, that's all that matters. It can't stink worse than you do." I stuck my tongue out at him childishly._

"_Ouch." Carth rolled his eyes and left for his shift._

"_Ciara!" Mission whispered. "You know that Carth sleeps wherever your blanket is, right?"_

"_That's why it stinks!" I laughed. Mission was looking at me funny. "Stop that." I said defensively. "I have to get my beauty sleep!"_

His scent lingered on the blanket, comforting me, so I pulled the blanket up to my chin. The air was thick with tension. I wanted to run back to the cockpit and tell Carth to go somewhere else, somewhere we went on the voyage. But being on Korriban, Manaan, or Tatooine wouldn't mean we'd escape our lives, and I knew that. I tried not to let my imagination run away, but it has a habit of doing so. I wondered how life would be different if we didn't have to go to Telos. Carth would still be cranky, I was sure. He'd have to get cranky eventually. I let myself fall into a dreamless sleep, a luxury I rarely enjoyed. I awoke when the ship stopped moving. We had docked. I got to find out what "home" was.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people are excellent!**


	15. Home Sweet Home

**15. Home Sweet Home**

As soon as I set foot on Citadel Station, I knew I'd rather be somewhere else. Carth looked like he felt the same way.

"Admiral Onasi," General Organa nodded a greeting, "it's a pleasure to meet you." He was a middle-aged man who had seen his share of wars.

"Thank you, General." Carth replied coldly. "It's nice to finally meet you as well." I wondered whether the rest of us were invisible. "I assume you have lodging for all of my crew?"

"Yes, Admiral. Admiral Dodonna sent us your information." The general paused for a bit.

"I believe introductions are in order." Carth said, as Jolee cleared his throat. He seemed to like invisibility as much as I did.

"Of course." The general looked slightly condescending. He turned to Carth expectantly. Did he think we couldn't speak for ourselves? "You have quite the odd crew, Admiral."

Carth smiled proudly. "They're the best crew I could ask for." Jolee cleared his throat again and Carth shot him a friendly look. "General, this is my wife, Ciara; decorated Mandalorian Canderous Ordo and his wife Bastila, the famous Jedi; Zaalbar, the son of the chieftain of the Wookies; Mission Vao, whose brother Griff will be meeting us here; T3, an expert droid; HK-47, a skilled combat droid; Jolee Bindo; and Juhani, another Jedi."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." The general seemed unsure of his words. I tried not to laugh. "There are a few apartments reserved for your party in the residential sector. Report to my office in three hours." He handed Carth a map and walked off.

"Sheesh, that was rude." Mission blurted when the general had left the hangar.

"Why didn't I get a fancy introduction?" Jolee teased.

"'Jolee Bindo, obstinate old man' is too obvious." I shot back. He laughed.

"Let's find our apartments and look around a bit." Juhani suggested. We unloaded our stuff and headed toward the residential complex.

We had three "apartments" for the ten of us. Our apartment was like an octagon-shaped closet without as much as a washroom or kitchen. We had a small work area with a desk and transmitter, but the washroom of the hotel room on Alderaan was much bigger. Our window was tiny. The furnishings were sparse and irritating.

"I think this corner is the living room." Carth was upset and glared at the transmitter near the front door. "This makes the Hawk look luxurious." I found the washroom, only to find Mission and Bastila finding it at the same time.

"Well, some things are the same as the Hawk." I offered.

"No." Carth rushed over in disbelief. We looked around the others' apartments. Directly across the washroom from ours was Bastila and Canderous; everyone else lived in one apartment, the door to which was in the wall separating the Ordos' apartment from ours. The others' apartment, although bigger, had many small rooms that were like shoeboxes and a somewhat larger sitting room located near the washroom, which lead me to believe that it was our living room as well. There was a dining area and a kitchen. I began to see the entire setup as one apartment, rather than three small ones.

"I guess it's a nice transition to living apart." I ventured. Carth sighed.

"If they'd said we'd be sharing a suite…" His voice trailed off. "I'm going to talk to General Organa about this." I let my body drop onto the bed, which it did with a resounding thud.

"Ow." I said weakly. "Talk to him about a new mattress too." Carth put his hands on his forehead and sat down on the bed.

"How are we going to make it?" He asked, resigned.

"Should we find you a cantina?" I answered playfully, sitting up and putting my hand on his back. "Really, though, it's not too long. Maybe this is temporary."

"I hope so. I'm going to speak with General Organa about what we should expect here and what we did expect, in terms of lodging. I was at least hoping for somewhere that Dustil could stay when he visited."

"Or your parents." I added. "They were telling me they missed seeing you." Carth stood up.

"I'll unpack my stuff when I get back." He explained shortly. I stood up and caught him before he left.

"We'll be okay." I smiled assuringly and hugged him.

"I couldn't do this without you." He smiled back and left. I assessed the space again. It was drab. The transmitter was state-of-the-art, and I was tempted to check the news. I put my clothes in the closet and my weapons in a footlocker within. There was really nothing else to do. I tried pushing the furniture around a bit, but there was no better setup for the room. Maybe with some curtains and a new bedspread, it wouldn't look like prison. I inspected the washroom after dumping my toiletries in a drawer. There was only one fresher, like on the Hawk, but there was a small bathtub. I was slightly hopeful. I went back into my room. It looked like we had two closets. I opened one door, finding myself in the sitting room. I found Jolee bustling around in the kitchen.

"I've got to make sure I can find everything." He grinned. "I sent Juhani shopping for some basics so we can eat better than we live."

"Good." I smiled, showing the little amount of satisfaction I had. "I don't suppose there's any place around here to buy something that keeps a room from looking like a cell?"

"I know!" Mission cried, coming out of her bedroom. "I need something in there or I'll go nuts."

"Let's go scout something out." I smiled. "I'll see if Bastila or Canderous wants to come."

Mission laughed. "Canderous decorating? That's something I'd like to see!" I knocked on the door from inside the washroom. I heard Bastila call within, so I came in.

"Do you want to come find decorations or something?" I asked.

"Sure." Bastila looked a little weak. "I don't feel too well, so I may return early if that's all right."

"Of course it is." I smiled. "I'm ready when you are. Could we stop by General Organa's first? I'd like to see if I can find Carth."

"Why's he there?" Mission asked as we walked down a corridor.

"To find out if we're staying here for the whole time and what we're doing."

"I thought we'd find out later." Mission was slightly puzzled.

"Carth isn't in the most patient of moods today." I smiled weakly as we entered the office. Carth was waiting in a chair by the reception desk.

"Is it time already?" He asked.

"No," I began. "We were just out and I suggested we stop by to say hi."

"What's this really about?" Carth asked slyly. His mood had improved a little bit.

"We can't stand the décor." Mission blurted. Carth laughed.

"I didn't want to get something you hated." I offered.

"Thanks," he grinned, "but I'm not too picky."

I couldn't resist. I stared straight and hard at his jacket. "I can tell." I smirked. Carth rolled his eyes. "I thought I'd check. I'll let you get back to waiting." I offered a sympathetic smile. He looked agitated.

"Actually, I wouldn't mind coming along." I was a bit surprised. Soldiers didn't shop.

"Then let's go." Bastila said softly. "I'd like a short nap when we get back."

"Tell General Organa that I'll see him at our previously appointed time." Carth told the receptionist, sounding less grumpy than he had before.

Our shopping excursion was rather low-key. We ran into Juhani, who picked out some things for her own room. I selected a substantial mattress cover.

"The floor is softer than my bed." I explained to Juhani.

"I haven't tried mine yet." Juhani said. "I should get a cover just in case."

"I need to get back." Bastila said uneasily. We paid for our wares quickly and went back. Bastila curled up on her bed, even though it was hard as rock. Canderous unpacked her shopping bags.

"Dang, this woman has taste." He said, pulling out a blue and cream bedspread and wrapping Bastila in it carefully, lightly kissing her temple. It was definitely a change of pace to see a gentle Mandalorian. There was nothing I could do to help, so I went to my room and put the mattress cover and sheets on the bed. I made sure my extra fat blanket was handy in case I was in danger of freezing. I smoothed out the maroon bedspread and sat on the bed. My pelvis didn't feel in danger of breaking this time. I stood up and continued moving around, straightening the work area around the transmitter.

"I want that disabled." Carth's voice came from behind me as I inspected the transmitter. "I know it won't happen, but…" I turned around and looked at him. "I should stop complaining. Someday, though…" His voice trailed off and he dumped the contents of one of his bags onto the bed. He sorted through his clothes and armor, hanging them up in the closet less meticulously than I had. I walked in to the closet calmly.

"Do you want me to help?" I offered.

"I'm okay. It won't take me long." Carth smiled.

"Really, I'm bored." I picked up one of his shirts.

"Really, it'll take two minutes." He grabbed at it. "Unless you're difficult, then it'll take me longer."

"Fine." I let him have the shirt. "I'll watch the news holos or something."

I learned surprisingly little from the holovids. The Ithorians had arrived and were starting to ship in animals for the restoration effort. They had set up camp on the surface in a restoration zone with Republic funding. I also found that Czerka had made its way here as well. I sighed.

"Anything good?" Carth asked, coming over to me.

"Czerka's here." I said flatly.

"Does Zaalbar know?" Carth was concerned.

"I don't know, but he won't be happy." I gathered my patience. I'd need it to deal with Czerka. "We aren't working with them, are we?"

"No, we're working with the TSF, the security force." Carth explained.

"That should be better." I tried to keep my optimism up. "Well, it's about that time."

"Damn it." Carth sighed. "I was all set on this being a day off."

"Try to keep your testiness under control." I said gently, hugging him. "They have to have your ceremony soon, don't they? You can have your whole family here again." He smiled slightly.

"Time to go!" Jolee called. I took Carth's hand and smiled encouragingly.

"In case you didn't meet him before, this is my brother, Griff." Mission directed at no one in particular. Introductions remained pretty civil. Bastila was looking a bit better, but still drained. "All right, Griff. Are you ready to work for real?"

"I guess." Griff shrugged. "I still could try…"

"But you won't." Mission said firmly. "You're doing it right this time." I had a feeling Griff didn't have a lot of say in his reunion with his sister.

We trudged down to the TSF office, everyone feeling the same about a shortened vacation. General Organa had loosened up a bit.

"All right," he began, "today I'll outline your first mission. As you know, the destruction of Telos was completely devastating to the planet's infrastructure. We have a group of Ithorians who are importing creatures and plants from other planets to restore Telos' ecosystem. I'd like to have a surface settlement on Telos built as soon as possible. Of course, if this team were instrumental in accomplishing this goal, you would all get prime real estate." So that's why we were in crappy apartments. "I know you'll be leaving in a year, but you'd be welcome back at any time, if you so chose." He smiled warmly. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad after all.

"What is there to be done?" Carth asked.

"Much." General Organa laughed. "Czerka and the Exchange cannot threaten the Ithorians' efforts to rebuild Telos. Animal populations need to be monitored and controlled, a place for a settlement on the surface needs to be found, cleaned, and built, and the expansion of Citadel Station needs to be assessed. I'll let you all divvy it up. Your team won't be sent to distant locales unless you so choose. Much of the work will be done from the station here. Shuttles will take you to the surface when needed." He handed us a datapad. "Here are the specifics of each task. I'd like a report in the morning as to your plan. Feel free to consult me if you have questions. Also, I've set up a tab at a fine local restaurant for your meals while working."

"Why couldn't he mention some of this before?" Juhani sighed. "I was dreading this work until now."

"All right, let's cool our jets and get organized." Jolee insisted. "Admiral?"

"Come on," Carth rolled his eyes. "You can be in charge here. You've got seniority."

"Hah!" Jolee laughed. "So the things that can be started now are cleaning up the surface, scouting for a settlement, recordkeeping for the Ithorians, and regulating trade, which should help with the station's expansion."

"Sounds like saving the galaxy again." I said quietly.

"No kidding." Mission whispered back.

"There are ten of us and five jobs. That's two per job." Juhani seemed good at keeping us organized. "Although I suppose it's fairly flexible."

"I nominate HK to terminate animal meatbags that over-breed." I offered.

"Objection: The term 'meatbag' generally refers to a human, not another type of organic. I would rather terminate meatbags than animals."

"Then you can police the Exchange and Czerka." I smiled. "Would they really want to mess with an assassination droid?"

"Awed query: You're sending me on assassination missions? Gratitude: Master, you are the greatest meatbag—human—I have ever met!" I could have sworn that HK was quivering with anticipation. I let him babble gleefully for a while.

"I could scout." Zaalbar offered. "I'm good at the brute labor that it would take to clean up the surface as well."

"All right, Z, you'll lead the surface team. Who else wants to go?" Jolee asked. He was good at calmly getting everything in order.

"I suppose I will." Canderous sighed. "Although it isn't that glorious, it's better than desk work." Carth gritted his teeth. I knew he wouldn't want to go to the surface. I wondered what he'd volunteer for. Nothing sounded too appealing to me, and I couldn't imagine Carth leaping at any of these jobs.

"I'd like to take the desk job." Bastila said softly. Somehow I wasn't surprised.

"I'll go to the surface." Mission offered.

"Isn't that a little dangerous?" Jolee asked.

"I'm not a kid!" Mission argued. "And I'd rather do that than deal with the Czerka Hutt-slugs."

"I'll come too." Griff added.

"I don't know how much I could handle from them." Juhani mused, pain creeping into her voice. "I don't want to deal with slavers." Zaalbar almost whimpered, cringing at the thought of Czerka.

"I'll do the trade stuff." Carth offered brusquely.

"All right. Zaalbar, Canderous, Mission, Griff, and I will go to the surface." Jolee entered their names into a datapad. "Carth and HK will – deal – with our friends Czerka and the Exchange."

"I'll help you out if you need it." Canderous said to Carth.

"You can't volunteer for everything." Carth retorted.

"I'm just offering my expertise." Canderous grinned.

"T3 could help with record keeping." I offered, after asking the droid. "He sort of offered. He's good at that stuff."

"That's Bastila and T3 on records." Jolee said. "Well, Ciara, are you going to be last again?"

"Maybe." I bit my lip, thinking. "I don't know if I've made up my mind."

"I could go to the surface." Juhani offered.

"All right, but that leaves too few people dealing with trade." Jolee shook his head. "I'll use my charm on Czerka." He adjusted the datapad accordingly. "It's obvious that no one wants that job, so I'll take one for the team."

"How sweet." I said.

"Don't patronize me." Jolee smirked. "So, do you want to do recordkeeping?"

"You're offering me a desk job?" I asked, incredulous. I'd been running around slicing people for a year, and now I was going into data entry? I wanted to roam the surface or something I was used to. "As long as I'm not forced to be at a desk all the time." I bargained.

"I'll put it down." Jolee teased. "I sent a copy of the file to General Organa." Carth stood up and walked to the reception desk. He returned a minute later.

"The receptionist will ensure that the general gets his message. We're to be back here at 0900 tomorrow." Carth looked drowsy.

"Let's go home." Juhani said brightly.

"What's wrong?" I asked Carth, who had acted depressed all day.

"I'm just upset." He replied coldly. Disappointment filled me. I didn't want to give him the third degree again. I thought we were past that part. I wanted to get up and leave him alone, but I had a feeling he'd want me to stay. It was late afternoon. I was bored. On the Hawk there was always something to talk about, somewhere we were going. I could ask people about where we were a hundred times without fear and here I was, afraid to ask Carth about Telos. I knew he wouldn't be upset with me for it, but I figured I didn't want to disturb his pent-up emotions about returning home. I'd made that mistake with Zaalbar on Kashyyyk, even though he'd been kind and not killed me. I wasn't afraid Carth would hurt me, but I had a feeling he didn't want to cry and talking about Telos wouldn't help. He typed furiously on the terminal across the room. I was sorting through the sundry datapads I'd gathered on the voyage, clearing them and cleaning the buttons. I was seriously bored. I let my mind wander. Since the Star Forge, things had been different between Carth and me. We'd been more open. Now things were like they were before. I felt like I was beating him with a bantha tail to get him to talk. I didn't feel like trying. I sighed and fished keys and other odds and ends out of the box of stuff. I retrieved the others' stuff from the sitting room, sat on the bed, and sorted it out. I wanted to cry for Carth so he wouldn't have to. I hated crying, so it would have been a huge sacrifice. I had made a formidable stack of stuff to sell by the time Carth had finished typing. He was breathing heavily, obviously frustrated. He turned and looked at me. I gave him my best "if you talk about it, you'll feel better" look, but I figured it wouldn't work. It never worked.

"Aren't you going to ask me if I want to talk?" He asked, looking at the meticulous piles I'd made.

"I take it you want to talk, then." I said, inquiringly.

"Am I that obvious?" He moved a pile of shields and sat down next to me.

"You're obviously worried about something." I observed.

"I just don't think I'm ready to be here yet." He sighed heavily. I rubbed his back reassuringly. "It's just so hard."

In the silence that followed, responses filled my head. I wanted to tell him I knew how he felt, even though I knew I didn't. He looked at his home and didn't recognize it, when I had looked at my reflection in the mirror. I wanted to tell him it was going to be harder when we went to the surface. I wanted to tell him that time heals all wounds. I wanted to promise him that he'd never have to go to the surface, that we'd run away. Instead, I began to weep.

"I didn't want to upset you." Carth said softly. I shook my head.

"I wish there was something I could do." I decided to forgo the "it wasn't your fault" line. I figure we said that enough.

"You're doing what you can." He encouraged. "This is my battle to fight. When I go to the surface – I already know I'll have to go – I won't go without you. Will you promise me that you'll be with me when I go?"

"Of course." It was such a small demand, but I knew it held so much weight for him. He slid closer to me. I put my left arm around him, pulling myself against him. I buried my face in his shoulder. He held me comfortingly, stroking my hair with one hand.

"Thank you." He whispered in my ear. His voice was breaking a bit. The thought of him crying made me want to pull out the stops and really cry. "One day I'll be able to face it alone, but I want your help for now." I was at a loss for words, a rare occasion. I allowed myself to forget that I was in contact with the galaxy's ugliest garment. I felt like we didn't move for hours. I stopped crying. Carth kissed my cheek. He looked relieved.

"I told you you'd feel better." I said coyly.

"What's that pile of junk?" He asked. His quick subject change told me I was right.

"Stuff we don't need any more. Things we can sell." I shrugged. "I told the others to contribute to or take from the pile as they wished, but I'm getting rid of the stuff tomorrow."

"I don't see anything there I can't live without." Carth said after rummaging a bit. He looked apologetic that he'd messed up the pile.

"I'll straighten up the pile when I get bored again." I yawned. "Is it dinnertime yet?" Carth opened the door to the sitting room.

"What's for dinner?" He called.

"Why don't you make something?" Jolee challenged playfully.

"He can't cook!" I shouted. "He burns gruel!"

"I do not." Carth insisted. I laughed.

"Good thing I've already got something going, then." Jolee went back to his work.

"I've never burned gruel." Carth was defensive.

"Maybe it was the water the gruel was cooked in." I thought aloud, slyly watching Carth get more frustrated. "Don't worry, it's the gruel's fault it's tasteless."

"Well it isn't mine!" Carth argued. I missed arguing about stupid things. This was fun.

"I never said it was!" I put on my best innocent look.

"Yes you did." He said firmly. "More or less."

"I just said – "

"Okay, you didn't say it was my fault, but you said I can't cook." Carth interrupted.

"Because you can't." I smiled.

"You'd better be careful, beautiful." He said, almost threateningly, though still playful. "I could burn your gruel on purpose."

"How would that help your cause?" I asked.

"It wouldn't, but you'd have to eat it or starve. You really can't cook."

"At least I can… damn, you're right." I smiled. Carth shut the door to the sitting room and sat next to me on the bed. "What are you up to?"

"We're newlyweds." He grinned. I laughed. "We're supposed to be leaping at every opportunity. Dinner won't be ready for another hour or so…" He leaned over me, trying to kiss me.

"It's weird with everyone right there…" I mused, turning my head slightly.

"The doors are soundproof. I checked." Carth grinned, pinning me on the bed.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! Remember, I think you're awesome.**


	16. Not The Dark Lord of the Sith

**16. Not The Dark Lord of the Sith**

"_She can't be. I've told her everything!" Carth cried. "I told her about my wife, my son… and she cared… I thought she did."_

"_She cares, Carth." Jolee said calmly. They were in the cockpit of the Ebon Hawk. "And she told you everything she knew about herself. She only remembers a little before the voyage began, and even then…"_

"_I can't." Carth shook his head despondently. "How could I be so stupid? How could I let this happen?"_

"_Let what happen?" Jolee asked. _

"_It doesn't matter. It stops here, now." Carth gritted his teeth firmly. "Do we have to escort the Dark Lord everywhere still?"_

"_She's not the Dark Lord!" Mission insisted from her spot in the co-pilot seat. "Has she ever done anything Sith-y?" _

"_It doesn't matter." Carth tried not to think about all the good deads I'd done. He couldn't concentrate. "She betrayed the Republic once, she'll do it again."_

"_Carth." Jolee said firmly. "She's different. You didn't know Revan; I did. Revan was a royal pain in the ass. Don't argue with me, we all know that Ciara isn't nearly as annoying as she could be. She is not acting like Revan."_

"_I don't want to wait until she does." Carth said sternly. "I almost want to leave her somewhere. Tatooine's nice and remote." Juhani entered the cockpit, taking Mission's seat._

"_If we did that," Juhani began, "she may fall into despair and turn again to the dark side, bringing destruction worse than before. With us, she has a chance at redemption."_

"_I suppose you're right." Carth sighed. "I just don't want it to happen again."_

"_Then keep being there for her." Mission said gently. "Believe me, this is killing her too. She's been moping around for days."_

"_It's hard for all of us." Jolee assured._

"_Not for you!" Carth glared at him. "You knew this whole time!"_

"_You need someone to blame for this." Juhani's voice was calm. "You're right, Jolee could have told you, but he decided not to. Bastila could have told you, but she didn't. It's not Ciara's fault that she's Revan, nor is it Jolee's or Bastila's. In time, she will come to terms with her identity. You have to do so as well. You know you can't kill her or hate her; she's done too much. She won your trust. The only thing that has changed is that she found out what she's done."_

"_Only?" Carth spat. "She slaughtered—"_

_Juhani interrupted, still calm. "Her drive for good was likely triggered by some acknowledgement of her previous evil. One cannot go to the dark side or the light side without the will to do so. She is no pawn of the Jedi Council. She would have died when Bastila captured her, but Revan wanted redemption, another chance. Ciara didn't want to be Revan, but Revan wanted to be Ciara. You need to give her that chance."_

_Carth was silent for a moment. "As tempting as it may be right now, shutting her out will only make things worse, especially if you're the one doing it." Jolee warned. "She needs all of our support, especially now. She was there when you needed her. Just give her time, son, and she'll do the same for you." Carth was conflicted. He got up, handing the controls to Jolee wordlessly, and wandered into the crew quarters where I was sleeping._

"_I never thought of Darth Revan as a person." I couldn't tell if he was talking or thinking. I was sprawled on the bed, covered except my right foot. Carth pulled the blanket over it. "Why is this happening to me? Damn, why am I being so selfish? This is killing her, I can tell by looking at her. She's having nightmares again. Jolee's right, as much as I hate to admit it. Her being Revan hasn't really changed anything, just made it more complicated. She sleeps this close to the edge? Doesn't she notice how clumsy she is?"_

"_Thanks for listening, Carth." Mission's voice came from the doorway. "I'm glad you're still tucking her feet in."_

"_She told me she can't sleep if her feet are cold." Carth mumbled. "She gets cranky when she doesn't sleep well. You were on Taris, so you know what I mean." Mission smiled._

"_No pressure, Carth, but I think she's counting on you more than anyone, especially now that Bastila's gone." She said sincerely. "The thing that bugs her the most is what she did to you, as Revan I mean. She wishes she hadn't hurt you." Carth looked at Mission, his eyes moist._

"_She told you that?" He asked._

"_No," Mission said slowly. "It's written all over her face."_

"_Do you believe…" Carth started._

"_It is never too late for redemption, no matter how far you fall." Mission replied. "That's what she told Juhani."_

"_She didn't know then." Carth mused._

"_I think somewhere she's always known." Mission said softly. "She just didn't remember. She wanted it to be a dream. Just stay by her side. She won't betray you this time."_

"_I want to believe you." Carth said, almost inaudibly. "But I don't know why she wouldn't repeat the past."_

"_You know why she won't." Mission smiled slightly. "That's the big difference between Revan and Ciara." She left the quarters. Carth watched me sleep for a moment._

"_If you betrayed us – I mean, betrayed me – I don't know what I'd do."_

I awoke in the middle of the night, completely confused. I was used to seeing Bastila's memories in my dreams, not to mention my own, but this was Carth's. I looked over at him. He was fast asleep. I remembered Bastila's comment about forging a bond with Canderous. After all, I was getting awfully good at reading Carth's thoughts. Carth opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Are you afraid that I'm Revan?" I asked.

"What?" He was groggy. "Maybe a little. What makes you ask that?"

"I had a dream about you – it was like a memory of yours." I said. "It was after the Leviathan. You were talking with Jolee, Juhani, and Mission, then you came in and tucked my feet in."

"It never did any good, you always stuck them back out." Carth smiled a little. "That's weird that you saw that memory. Mission's words really stick out in my mind."

"Which ones?" I asked.

"When she talks about the difference between you and Revan."

"What do you think that is?"

"Me." His voice was slightly rough. "You said Revan never loved."

I smiled. "I think you're right, but I really don't remember whether or not Revan loved. I guess it's possible, but I don't know. I never really thought of it that way." I kissed him gently. He returned the kiss more passionately than I had anticipated. "Good morning…" I was startled. The idea of a man wanting to get on me any chance he got was welcome, but still alien to me. His skin was soft against mine. "I have a question for you." I said, pulling away from him quickly.

"What's that?" He asked patiently.

"When did you first realize you were interested in me?" I had to indulge my curiosity. He laughed a little.

"Well, I knew you were beautiful when I first saw you, but I wasn't exactly looking to do more than work with you." He caressed my arms gently. "It was a slow realization. I denied it all the time. You listened to me and you cared what I had to say. No one ever did that before. I think on Dantooine I realized I was in it deep. They took you away and I felt entitled to know what was happening."

"I was trying to convince myself I didn't like you since I woke up on Taris. You had noticed that I was having nightmares and were obviously concerned about whether I lived." I explained. "And when you told me about Saul, I wanted to help you. I think it was then, when you started opening up to me. But I thought you liked me at the beginning. I was actually disappointed that you'd been married. I thought I'd never measure up. At the party, when you said you learned something about her, I was sure she was alive and you were leaving me."

"Never." He assured. "Although I guess I did make you pretty nervous."

"You never really smiled on the voyage, except when you laughed." I noted.

"I smiled," Carth was defensive.

"I'm not talking about when I fell down." I clarified.

"I smiled when I was happy." Carth explained as though it were the most obvious thing ever.

"But it wasn't truly sincere. Part of the reason I started teasing you was to make sure you could feel extreme emotions, like happiness and irritation."

"And I thought it was my stunning good looks." Carth said sarcastically.

"That too." I laughed. "I think the first time I saw you happy was when Dustil said he'd meet up with you on Telos."

"Things were changing around then." Carth thought out loud. "I knew I'd have a future after Saul. I still had a son, but there was a hole. I guess without you, there would always be a hole."

"That's sweet." I smiled. "Thanks."

"No problem." He took the wrap-up of the conversation as an indication to continue the make out session. I was glad I didn't feel tired when I woke up and spoken to him, because it was a long time before we got back to sleep. Changing his mind had as much point to it as head-butting a bantha to make it get out of the way.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people are the coolest!**


	17. Malachor

**17. Malachor**

Bastila left the next morning for her mother's funeral on Coruscant, so I had to work without her. My job was easy enough: I checked and cross-referenced records, balancing equations, you name it. Sometimes I missed roaming around, but it was nice to have a change of pace. Typing became almost therapeutic, as long as I didn't think about fighting things and getting my boots dirty. Carth always came home stressed from dealing with Czerka, but that was to be expected, and I did my best to help him relax. To my great surprise, life was moving along pretty well for a few days when I got a summons to speak to the Jedi Council. Of all convenient times, it came during dinner. They were on Telos to talk to me.

"Why are they here?" Carth asked, expressing his usual frustration at these urgent messages, compounded with his dislike of the Council's role in my life.

"I don't know," I started. "They probably want me to go fix things at Malachor or something." My brow furrowed. "What did I just say?" I knew what I'd said, but was surprised that the memory had subconsciously returned.

"Malachor." Carth said slowly. He looked doomed. I could almost feel the doubt running through his mind.

"Damn." I sighed. "That's why they're here. They want me to keep on saving the galaxy. I have to go meet with them. Now." I ran out of the apartment so I wouldn't be tempted to give in to Carth's protesting. As I ran down the corridor, I planned out what I'd say to the Council. I opened the door to the apartment they'd designated in the message. "Good evening, masters." I said tritely.

"You know why we're here." Master Vrook raised an eyebrow. "You're quite perceptive. The other masters are presently out—"

"I didn't come here to have tea and pleasantries with you." I had assumed my serene Jedi persona, but my words were my own. Vrook knew what I was going to say.

"Don't be so selfish, Revan. You can't have a normal life, you just aren't made for it." He said, almost spitefully.

"You would have me be selfish with heroism, to have it all to myself?" I raised an eyebrow. "I was exhausted after battling Malak. The thought of going to Malachor and dealing with it is too much for me. I cannot do it."

"Your duty is to the Council." Vrook's tone was flat.

"My first loyalty is to my friends." I countered. "Before I was a Jedi, I had them. I'm not going to abandon them and leave for uncharted space. It is you who are selfish; if I succeed in cleansing the galaxy, you can rest easy knowing the Sith are beaten. If I fail, you can assure the people that Revan is dead in every sense of the word."

"The Council has given you a second chance." Vrook was getting slightly angry. I tried not to be proud that I'd nearly ticked off a Jedi Master. "You owe it to us,"

"To clean up my mess: the Star Forge." I interrupted. I hated "owing" the Council. They were the ones who had wiped my memories away, leaving me to wonder whether it was normal to have forgotten everything. "Malachor wasn't my doing. You know that. I understand the need to face it, but I simply cannot do it."

"I knew you would be selfish." Vrook stated firmly. "I knew you shouldn't have married."

"This has nothing to do with—"

"It has everything to do with Admiral Onasi, you know that." Vrook interrupted. "If it weren't for him, you would gladly go."

"No," I said calmly. "I am loyal to the others as well. I couldn't take them with me, as the darkness might consume them, but I can't abandon them. I'm still establishing myself." An idea crossed my mind. I could think on my feet, and within moments I was ready to present it. I took a deep breath. "But I will train Jedi to go to the outer worlds. I will warn them of the evils that await them. Please, don't make me go. If you present me with an ultimatum, I would have to leave the Order and you'd never hear from me again."

"You strike a hard bargain, Revan." Master Vrook looked almost impressed with my problem solving. "I'm pleased to see you come up with a solution that fits our needs." I wondered if he had thought of it before.

"The Jedi who go must not be viewed as expendable." I insisted, elaborating. "If you wish, I will train a small group to go. I ask for nothing else than the freedom to choose my own future in return. You took the risk of my declaring independence when the Council wiped my mind. You have droids to do your bidding without question. I will see training through to the end, but only if I am granted full freedom afterward."

"Very well. I will discuss this with the other Masters. I will send you a message when we reach a decision."

"Thank you, Master Vrook." I bowed my head respectfully and left the room, hi-tailing it back to my apartment. I knew Carth wouldn't be happy. I wondered if he'd still be in the room. He probably had come to look for me or something. I tried to focus on the sound of my feet hitting the metal floor. I wanted normal ground again. I opened the door and Carth was standing there expectantly.

"Why did you run away like that?" Carth demanded.

"I had to go," I panted apologetically. "I had to get it taken care of."

"You didn't listen." Carth said wistfully.

"I had a feeling you were afraid that I'd go to Malachor, but it won't happen." I said firmly. His eyes met mine.

"They're not sending you?"

"They haven't decided, but I think I convinced Master Vrook to give me my freedom. If he's convinced, the others are cake."

"What's the catch?" Carth sat down on the bed, our usual environment for serious talks.

"I'd have to train Jedi to go in my place." I sat next to him, putting my hand on his knee. "So I might be gone for a little while, but not forever."

"How long is a little while?" Carth put his hand on mine.

"I'm not sure." I hadn't thought about it. "I kind of made it up as I went along."

"You're good at that," Carth smiled nervously.

"I want to do as much as I can where I'm living, and these war-touched worlds are a good place to start. It would be my day job. Maybe for a week or two I'd leave, but not for longer than that, I imagine. It all depends on what they say. I'm willing to serve a year at their will to have the rest of my life my own."

"They can't deny you that!" Carth said, agitated. "You have to make your own choices; you're entitled to that freedom as a sentient being!"

"Can we talk about this tomorrow when they tell me what they think?" I asked, tired. I rested my head on his chest and he put his arms around me.

"You got it." He said, releasing the agitation from his voice. We sat in silence for a moment.

"I'd rather die than go back." I said quietly. "Don't I deserve to be a bit selfish after all that I've done?"

"You don't want to talk about this now." He reminded me.

"What else is there to talk about?" I asked.

"Well, you missed a wonderful conversation." Carth's breath was warm on my ear. I loved how his mere presence could comfort me. "Zaalbar, Mission, Juhani, Griff and Canderous found a perfect spot for a new settlement. They've started clearing it and will begin building soon."

"Oh good," I said distractedly.

"You know where this is headed?" Carth asked.

"No idea."

"Soon we could be looking at real estate." He said happily. "And I wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to put in a little extra work to build a new place for my parents." I smiled.

"I'd love to." I tugged at my ponytail, releasing my hair.

"I figure I owe it to them," Carth began.

"You don't owe them anything." I said defiantly. "It's a gift you're giving willingly, not out of obligation."

"Sorry if I hit a nerve."

He either knew me too well or I was too obvious. I sighed. "Vrook said I owe the Council for their mercy."

"You're kidding!" Carth exclaimed. "You don't owe them anything."

"That's what I mean." I said. "Yes, your parents raised you, but you've done the best you could. That's all they need. You're giving them a new house as a sign of goodwill, not as payment."

"Right." Carth said.

"Do you want to have more kids?" I asked, somewhat abruptly.

"What makes you ask that?"

"Since you were talking about real estate, I figured you'd want to know how many bedrooms to build." I said.

"That didn't cross my mind." Carth said lightly. "You're even more devious than I am."

"I learned from the best." I looked into his eyes. They still melted me.

"I think I'd like to have another kid," Carth mused. "Maybe two, depending on what you want."

"I was thinking more like one." I smiled. "You're not the one that has to go through labor."

"Okay," he smiled back. "But not yet."

"Agreed. I want to finish saving the galaxy before I settle down." I stroked his hair affectionately. It seemed like every time we were left alone together, passion took over. As lovely as that was, I wanted to enjoy just being with him. Somehow we understood that it was more appropriate to just sit together, talking intermittently this time.

Around midnight, another message came in, but this one was more urgent than the last. The transmitter didn't ring as it usually did; it automatically played the message instead. "Ciara, please come to the meeting place immediately to discuss the future with the Council." I stood up and reluctantly put on a decent robe over my pajamas. Carth stood up with me.

"I'm coming with you." He insisted.

"They won't let you in, you'll just feel left out again." I urged. I knew this situation too well. He was going to follow me no matter what.

"I don't care." He put his ugly jacket on and followed me down the corridor. "They're not making you do this." I turned around at him and smiled.

"You're so stubborn." I continued walking.

"This isn't about protecting you." Carth insisted, running to catch up with me. "It's about letting them know that you have rights." I tapped on the door and it soon opened.

"Hello, Admiral." Master Vrook said. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait in the corridor. This matter doesn't concern you."

"It damn well concerns me!" Carth exclaimed. I shot him my best "please go along with this" look, but like most of my looks, it never worked.

"I'm sorry, Admiral, but Ciara will discuss this with you once this meeting is over." Master Vandar said. I was glad he was there. He had more social skills than Master Vrook (who slammed the door in Carth's angry face) did. A few masters I had not yet met lurked in the background. As the door closed behind me, I immediately felt separated from Carth. I hated being alone, especially when I wasn't in complete physical isolation, but still alone.

"The Council has discussed your proposal at length." Master Vandar began. "We would like to discuss the nature of this task with you."

"Very well." I said, trying to keep my composure. "What is it you would like to discuss?"

"You would need a master to help train Jedi." Master Zhar said calmly. "Even another with similar experiences is no equivalent to a master."

"That would be acceptable." I said. "I have given this additional thought, and I would like to train the Jedi on the planets where I live. They were touched by war and would be suitable."

"Yes," Master Vandar nodded. "The masters who would help you would also live on the planets."

"Masters? More than one?" I asked. I had second thoughts if I had to deal with a bunch of arrogant schuttas. I chased that vindictive thought out of my mind.

"Yes," Master Vrook interjected. Damn, the Force made taking turns easy for the Masters. It drove me nuts sometimes. "Two new masters would aid in your training of the Jedi: Master Jolee and Master Juhani."

"When did they get promoted?" I exclaimed.

"They were just notified. We thought them best suited for the job." Master Vandar smiled. "You will take on a total of nine apprentices, but three at a time. The three of you will rotate training the apprentices, so they get the experience of training with three masters. We believe nine well-trained Jedi will be sufficient."

I smiled. "I agree. Wait, I'm a master too?" _I'm so quick on the uptake._

Master Zhar laughed a little. "In order to take on this task, we feel it necessary to promote you – at least for the time being. Training will begin as soon as possible. The Council will select your apprentices from various schools in the Order and elsewhere. Those deemed most fitting will begin their extensive training: a year on Telos, one on Taris, and one on Dantooine. After they leave for Malachor, you will be evaluated by the Council."

"Evaluated for what? When do I get my freedom?" I asked, startled at my abruptness.

"To give closure to your task, as well as to determine whether or not you should be granted full status as a Master." Zhar explained.

"As for your freedom," Vrook began, "you have already committed to serving on these planets. However, training is difficult, so your relationships may become strained. You will be given few vacations. We advise you to plan your future accordingly, and to defer important milestones to the period after your training of these apprentices."

"So you're telling me not to have kids yet." I said frankly.

"Or move into a nice farmhouse." Zhar smiled. He either had some sense of humor or knew how to deal with me. I smiled at him.

"I have one more question." I began. "What about Bastila? Will she help?"

"As much as she is able." Master Vandar said. "But she is currently unable to commit to training apprentices for an extended period." I knew asking why would be futile, so I made a mental note to ask Bastila, hoping that wouldn't be even more futile.

"What do you say to this offer, Ciara?" Master Vrook said. I knew he preferred calling me Revan, if only to remind me of the Sith scum I was.

"I would like to be permitted to speak with the Council if I feel the assignment needs changing in some way, such as if it becomes too taxing. I will not give it up, but perhaps change tactics. I would also prefer not to travel."

"That is reasonable." Master Zhar nodded. "We will speak with you occasionally about the nature of the training as well."

"There is one more piece of it," Master Vrook added. "The Council has already announced its intent to send Revan to the outer worlds." Those devious bastards! I immediately restrained that thought as well. "You must hereafter never be known as Revan. We took care in altering pictures of you that were distributed to the public. Hopefully you won't be recognized." The Council was stripping away my identity again. "You have another chance to immerse yourself in your new identity. From now on, you will have only one."

"I agree to it." I said after a pregnant pause. "But in the announcement that was made –"

Vrook interrupted, "Your face was not clearly revealed in the holocrons of the parties. As you noticed, we also altered your hair color after the mind-wipe. We used some cosmetic lasers to remove some freckles Revan had and slightly alter your facial structure. The face portrayed to the people was that of Revan, not of Ciara Onasi. You look similar, but not identical." This was a bit hard to take. My face wasn't my own. I wondered how Carth would react.

"If your decision stands, our discussion is over." Master Vandar said. "Please do not be too troubled over this revelation. Your face, like your identity, is indeed your own. The Republic has made no statement that would lead anyone who didn't know to believe that you and Revan were the same person. It would do you well to meditate on this."

"Thank you, masters." I smiled calmly. "I stand by my decision. May the Force be with you." I walked out of the room. I wasn't Revan again. I finally got what I had asked for. The door slid open and Carth was waiting again, in nearly the same posture as he had before. I imagined Dustil would have been familiar with this had Carth been around while he was growing up. I smiled, to Carth's relative chagrin. I wouldn't be able to explain fast enough, I knew it.

"Well?" Carth asked impatiently.

"Training Jedi is my new day job for the next three years." My placid smile lingered on my face. "And you're stuck with me this whole time." He hugged me.

"Finally, some good news!" I returned the hug, still in a bit of a daze.

"This isn't my face." I said abruptly. "They changed it a little."

"What?" Carth asked, looking at me.

"Revan looked a lot like me, but not the same." I explained. "They took off some markings and changed my facial structure a little."

"That sounds painful." Carth furrowed his brow.

"So it doesn't bother you that I wasn't born like this?" I asked. The idea of plastic surgery without my consent was weird, but it explained how clear my skin was. I'd just assumed that was normal too, since I didn't see Bastila with any crazy markings.

"Not really."

"They didn't alter me very much." I continued. "So I guess I look like a relative of me. Oh, and we can't have kids for a few years."

"Why not?"

"I can't train Jedi to save the galaxy if I'm puking my guts out all morning." I said. Carth laughed.

"Good point." He put an arm around me and we walked down the corridor to our apartment. I was explaining more details about the arrangement when we reached our door. Carth's dress uniform was spread out on the chair. I felt a pang of guilt, like I was taking over Carth's celebration.

"So what do I wear tomorrow?" I asked coyly.

"I don't know, something nice." He mused.

"I don't want to wear that loincloth thing Bastila has." I insisted. "I'll figure something out. Is your family here?"

"We'll meet up with them in the morning for breakfast before the ceremony." This sounded strangely familiar. "Then I have to go to the Republic headquarters and make sure everything is taken care of. The ceremony will be just before dinner, then there's your favorite part."

"Dinner?" I asked. "I think you're mistaking me for Zaalbar."

"No," he laughed. "The party."

"Are you going to be on time to this one?" I teased. "It's your party."

"Of course I'm going to be on time." Carth retorted. "And I'm taking you with me so you can't be late out of spite."

"I'm a Jedi, I don't do spite." I stated.

"Carth!" Canderous yelled from the other room. "You have company!"

"Why don't you just knock?" Carth exclaimed, heading toward the sitting room door.

"It takes too long." Canderous grinned. I followed Carth into the main room. Dustil was standing there, somewhat expectantly.

"Dustil!" Carth cried, embracing his son. "It's great to see you again!" I stood back and watched them chat merrily. Dustil looked so much like his father; it was hard to gather what his mother looked like. I swore he was growing by the minute. He must have been seventeen, only two years older than Mission. Mission and T3 entered the sitting room.

"Hey there." She said to me, glancing sideways at Dustil. "I thought you might want to see some pictures of the parties and a few aboard the Hawk."

"Pictures?" I was nervous.

"Of course, you nerf-herder!" Mission laughed. She pulled out a datapad and showed me a picture of Carth and me standing side by side. We both looked exhausted. It was a horrible picture.

"I'm not really photogenic, am I?" I asked, looking at other pictures of me making faces that weren't quite funny.

"You're fine." Mission assured. "It's just that Carth never smiles." She flipped to a picture of him ostensibly not staring at me on the Ebon Hawk, his face as neutral as Manaan.

"I know. I hate it." I sighed and went to the next picture, which was, to my great surprise, Carth grinning. "Wow! He looks happy for once!" I exclaimed. "I want a copy of that one."

"He's even showing teeth!" Mission giggled, sending a copy to my personal datapad.

"I know!" Carth and Dustil had turned to see what the commotion was about.

"What's on that datapad?" Carth asked, walking toward us.

"A photograph of a very rare occurrence." I pulled the datapad toward my chest, hiding it.

"Mission losing Pazaak?" Dustil teased.

"Ciara taller than someone who isn't a Jawa?" Carth smirked at me. I made a face.

"I never lose. Try me." Mission replied smugly. Dustil grabbed the datapad, looked at the picture, and laughed. "We were right, weren't we?"

"Yep!" Dustil showed the picture to Carth.

"Very funny." Carth said dryly. "I just don't see a point in smiling for pictures."

"Or anything else." Mission added.

"That's not true! I smiled –" Carth argued. Mission flipped through the pictures. Sure enough, the only times Carth was smiling were when he was caught laughing. I didn't remember seeing him laugh at those times, so I figured I'd just fallen on my face or something. "These pictures don't do me justice."

"I know, you laughed at me far more times than twice." I joked. Something flashed behind Carth's eyes, but he didn't let it express itself. I put an arm around him reassuringly.

"You weren't much better, Ciara." Mission flipped through more pictures. I was more expressive than Carth, but I still didn't smile. I felt stupid for teasing Carth so much. He laughed softly and kissed my forehead.

"I really am short, aren't I?" I mused, looking at a picture of a group of us. I was barely taller than Mission, and she was growing.

"We've already had this discussion." Carth laughed. "You're short."

"Wow, you guys did a lot." Dustil mused.

"Yeah," Mission sighed. "I can't believe it's over already."

"It's not over." Carth assured. "We're keeping possession of the Hawk."

"Are you sure?" Jolee asked, walking toward us. We were so used to grouping together that it came naturally. "The Council –"

"We should explain what's happening first." I interrupted. "Jolee, Juhani, and I are going to train a group of Jedi to go to the outer worlds and continue to battle the dark side."

"It's ridiculous, really." Jolee sighed. "The fight will never be over. But it's a day job."

"Being a Jedi Master isn't a just a 'day job,' Jolee." I assumed Bastila's lecturing tone. It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it. Carth laughed.

"It will be a challenge." Juhani said softly. "But I know we can do it."

"And I'd rather do this than go myself."

"They wanted you to go to the outer worlds?" Dustil asked, incredulous.

"You forget that I was Revan. I'd know what to look for, I guess." I shrugged.

"What about Bastila?" Mission asked.

"She's going to help." Juhani assured. "But she won't be one of the masters training the apprentices. She is a Jedi Knight, however."

"You're a Jedi Master?" Mission asked me.

"I guess I am for a while." I shrugged. I felt a little too nonchalant about this. "It's not a big deal."

"We've been running around in master robes for ages now," Jolee laughed.

"They had the best defense." I argued. "None of us were going to wear anything but the best armor we could fit into."

"Wow!" Mission shook her head in disbelief. "First you're Revan, now you're a master…"

"Oh, I forgot something. I'm not Revan anymore." Mission laughed. "I'm serious this time. They're sending these apprentices out there after telling the Republic that Revan was going. Revan was never associated with me in any of the holos or anything, probably to keep all of us safe. Now it's working to my advantage. I'm never to be referred to as Revan, unless I want to hang out in the outer worlds and have assassins after me. From now on, I'm only Ciara." As much as I hated the idea of the Council depriving me of my identity yet again, it was comforting to be just Ciara again.

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You ought to know by now all the wonderful things I have to say to you... but I still like you!**


	18. Dreams

**18. Dreams**

"Ciara?" Bastila called from her room. Canderous was out in the sitting room. "Juhani? Will you come here?"

"Of course." Juhani looked at me and I nodded, following her to Bastila's room. Bastila shut the door behind us. "What is it?"

"I'd like for you to meditate with me." I searched her face for a reason why, but she betrayed nothing. She sat on the floor in a meditative position. Juhani and I followed.

I was in my usual state of white nothingness. I reached out for Juhani and Bastila, finding them both. The others in the sitting room were fainter, but I could feel their presence as well, and it reassured me. I concentrated on Bastila, who seemed to be subconsciously guiding Juhani and me through whatever it was she wanted to tell us. Bastila's force aura was stronger than usual. At first, I just enjoyed relaxing, feeling the warmth of others around me, but then I figured I should start focusing so Bastila didn't get upset. I saw smoky figures appear from the whiteness. One was large and red, the other tall and yellow. They weren't clear enough to distinguish who they were. A blue figure appeared. It was Juhani. I had a feeling this was my cue, and sure enough, a shorter green figure appeared. _I am not that short,_ I thought. The yellow figure – Bastila – laughed. It was odd that we appeared the colors of our lightsabers. _These are colors we identify ourselves by._ Bastila's voice urged me. Was the red figure Malak? I stopped thinking about it too hard and just watched. The red and yellow figures seemed to dance gracefully together, holding each other. An almost indistinguishable speck appeared within the yellow figure. I instantly understood. An orange figure slowly developed in the yellow figure's abdomen, finally sprouting out like a flower. Bastila's figure cradled the baby in her arms. The red figure stood behind, emanating a sense of pride. Then they disappeared. I was left in whiteness again. I opened my eyes.

"You're not!" I exclaimed, grinning. Bastila smiled modestly.

"You felt the disturbance in the Force." Juhani argued. "You feel the Force beginning to gather around the child. He is definitely present." I hugged Bastila.

"This is amazing!" I smiled. "But you'd better tell Mission soon or she'll kill us." We all knew that Canderous knew as well. He had been extra caring of Bastila lately. Even if he didn't think he understood the Force, he had felt his child's presence.

"So you think it's a boy?" Bastila asked Juhani.

"I'm not sure." Juhani thought for a moment. "I suppose I assumed as much." We went back into the sitting room. Carth knew something had happened. I smiled at him. Knowing Bastila was pregnant made me wonder if I would ever have children. The idea appealed to me, but I had much to do first. I zoned out while Bastila made the announcement to the group. I wondered what raising a child would be like, whether I could do it. I leaned my head on Carth's shoulder, not wanting to deal with the idea of my own children. Bastila and Canderous beamed. Griff entered, slightly tipsy.

"Where were you?" Mission demanded.

"Out with some friends." Griff said defensively. "We just played a little Pazaak." Mission launched into a speech about gambling his credits away. I pursed my lips.

"What?" She asked me brashly.

"He has to learn this himself, Mission." I was calm.

"He had his chance and it didn't work." Mission insisted firmly, anger creeping into her voice. I was taken aback. This was the first time she'd been remotely angry with me. "Look what you're doing, Griff! You're not going to…" Slightly hurt, I turned around, waving quickly to the others, and went into my bedroom. To my surprise, Carth wasn't right on my heels. I undressed and crawled into bed alone for the first time in weeks.

"_You will never win, Revan." Malak's electronically enhanced voice called from across the room. I was in the Star Forge. "I defeated you once. I will do it again."_

Then why do you keep running away, you pansy_? My frustration was interrupted by my inner Jedi telling me to stuff it. I took a deep breath, took out a big syringe of stims I'd prepared, and shoved the needle in my thigh, cringing. I hate needles. I found it ironic that I, of all people, was afraid of needles. I needed to remember to put that on my datapad of things Carth would tease me about if he only knew._

"_The Star Forge feeds on the dark side, amplifying it. You don't stand a chance." He cackled. "You were always weak, Revan, clever, but weak. You stumbled down the path of the dark side. I followed you at first, but soon I took the lead. How does it feel to be alone without a past? You're nothing but a shell, Revan. As soon as your shell cracks, you will be nothing."_

"_I'm stronger in the light than you –" Force lightning hit me. DAMN. It hurt. The stims kicked in. I got a little shaky. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my body faster than blood. "Ever will be in your darkness." I finished. "Pansy." I added under my breath. My inner Jedi master kicked me._

"_What?" Malak demanded, charging me. I let him get close before I dodged._

"_Your ship fired on mine. You defeated me in the most cowardly way imaginable!" I argued, my lightsabers moving quickly to strike and defend._

"_Opportunity knocked." He would've grinned. Good thing he had no jaw. I laughed. I thought everything was funny. "You forget the code of the Sith."_

"_I spit on the code of the Sith." I corrected. Sweat was dripping off my forehead._

"_I'll never forget your face when I told you who you were. You looked like you never saw it coming." He laughed cruelly. "Didn't your Jedi masters tell you that you could fall? You thought it'd never happen to you. You're as arrogant as ever, Revan." I knew he was only taunting me, but the words stung._

"_Perhaps, but you will fall." I said flatly. "I serve the Council now."_

"_Why? What have they done for you?" Malak said, parrying a slash to his head. "They won't let you and your lover stay together. You know they'll rip you apart." I did something I rarely did anymore. I lied._

"_The Council is fine with my relationship with Carth."_

"_You lie." Malak seemed unconvinced. "They forbid love. Don't you remember why you turned to the dark side?"_

"_Stop trying to probe my weaknesses, Malak." I was as taciturn as Bastila. "You're trying to manipulate me."_

"_You don't." He laughed. "You said you loved me. We went to war together. I followed you like a lost animal, but I grew in my strength. I yearned for the day that I would challenge you."_

"_I loved you?" I was puzzled, but didn't let down my guard. I felt no such thing toward him now._

"_You were a fool to tell me your greatest weakness. I knew you trusted me, so I attacked your ship. When you fall again, I will capture your friends. You will watch them suffer. I won't allow you to die. You will feel pain." I wanted to throw up. I had loved this man; I knew he spoke the truth. My movements became more urgent. If he captured me, he might rape me; or perhaps he would tell me more about our relationship, which was almost as bad. I didn't want to think of what he'd do to my friends. The thought of my losing was revolting. We dueled for what seemed like days. My thoughts were a tornado when I landed a blow to Malak's side. My mind cleared as the saber sliced into his stomach. I felt serenity and peace as I listened to his final words. He was saying something about if he'd walked my path. I reached out to him with the Force, unwilling to heal him: I didn't want to heal the enemy unless I knew he would truly turn._

"_I could save you." I said softly. He shook his head weakly. "Tell me one thing, Malak. If you had the chance to do this all again, knowing you'd be defeated by me – your betrayed lover – and knowing I'd choose the light, would you do it?" I looked into his vacant yellow eyes. I felt like I was holding his hand as he dangled into a ravine: I wasn't strong enough to pull him up by myself, but I wouldn't let him drop without trying. He would have to decide to find a foothold on the ledge in order to live._

"_Yes." He managed through his agony, truth blazing from his eyes. I was filled with compassion for him, but I felt no bond of friendship or love toward him. I took a deep breath._

"_Very well." I sounded slightly like Bastila. "You know what this means, Malak." He looked at me quizzically. I opened his mind and dumped emotions or peace, mercy, and compassion in so he would understand why I'd let him go. "It means goodbye." I released him. He collapsed on the floor._

"_Thank you, Revan…" He managed. "For everything." A death rattle took over his voice. It gave me the chills. I took off his cape and covered his face with it. I wanted to cry to release the overwhelming emotion of finality. Mercy was supposed to feel good. Compassion was supposed to be heart-warming. How could I have loved someone I felt only emptiness for now? Could I live with myself knowing that I'd killed an ex-lover?_

"_Ciara!" I thought I heard a voice echo in the corridors of the Star Forge._

"_Carth." I stood up as if remembering I was supposed to leave, then looked one last time at what remained of Malak. I ran toward the Hawk as fast as I could. The stims seemed to kick in overtime. I was physically shaking when I stepped into view of my friends._

"Ciara!"_ The voice was distant._

"_Carth?" I was confused. He was standing right in front of me, but his lips weren't moving. I could still hear his voice._

I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Ciara, are you all right?" I opened my eyes. I was drenched in sweat and more exhausted then I'd been when I fell asleep. I turned and saw Carth. He was worried.

"I'm okay." I said, breathless. "I just had a nightmare." Carth was unconvinced.

"'Just' a nightmare? It looked pretty intense to me. What was it?"

"My duel with Malak." I sat up. He was still dressed. "Did you just come in?"

"I've been trying to wake you up for a few minutes." He explained. "I tried to calm Mission down. She's really mad at Griff. Anyway, I thought I heard you trying to scream, so I came in." I looked around. My legs had become tangled in the sheets, wound until they almost couldn't move. Apparently I'd been running. "What happened?" He sat down next to me, stroking my face.

"I just remembered Malak taunting me and the end of the duel when I tried to save him. It might not sound too exhausting, but it was. He called me weak and arrogant, which I knew was true of Revan. I thought he was going to rape me if I lost. I guess I had loved him…" I said quickly. "He said he was going to torture you guys, and somehow I knew what he'd do." Carth's brow was furrowed as far as it could furrow. I wondered if I made any sense. My ideas were choppy, but it was hard to piece everything together.

"I'll say…" He trailed off. "I'm sorry." I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.

"You should go to bed." I said, my eyes still closed. "You've got a big day tomorrow." Silence followed, so I opened my eyes. Carth was staring at me, looking as though he were making an important tactical decision.

"I can sleep later. If you want to talk, I'll listen." He offered, his eyes never leaving me.

"I think I'll be okay. Thanks." I smiled slightly and closed my eyes. A moment later, he climbed into bed with me. He put his arms around me, drawing me close to him. "Are you sure you want me this close? I could start kicking."

"It wouldn't be the first time you'd kicked me." He grinned.

"You're impossible." I sighed happily. "I feel better, thanks. I just need to get my mind off that memory."

"You know what would help?" Carth asked mischievously.

I laughed. "Is there ever a time when you just don't feel like it? Every time we're alone…" He turned an attractive shade of pink.

"I'll calm down." He assured. "I'm still getting used to be married again. It's exciting."

"I can tell." I grinned coyly. Carth feigned innocence. "Why do you make it so easy to go from serious conversations to flirting?"

"I don't know." He smiled.

"It's fun." I returned the smile. "But I'm worn out from sword fighting in my dreams."

"Do you ever have good dreams?" Carth asked.

"Let me see, there was one where I got the dirty details on Bastila and Canderous, the one where you proved to me that I couldn't do anything to you that a blaster rifle couldn't, the one where…"

"Wait." Carth interrupted. "You seriously had a dream about the blaster rifle comment? You paid way too much attention to what I said."

"It was weird. First you were married, then you had a blaster fetish. I thought I had no chance with you."

"Well first you were okay, then you were a Jedi, then you were Darth Revan."

"We're doomed, aren't we?" I smiled.

"Got any more secrets?" He asked.

"Not really." I replied, remembering Malak's description of me as a shell.

"Me either. So I think we'll be okay."

"I kind of liked being doomed. It has a nice ring to it." I mused.

"A nice sinister ring." Carth argued. "I'd like to believe in happy endings."

"But if we're redeemed from being doomed, then we get the best of both worlds."

"You need to sleep." Carth laughed. "You're getting loopy." He put his arms around me sleepily. His skin was warm and soft. I couldn't help but kiss him goodnight.

_I made an extra effort to invite Carth to roam around Dantooine with me. He'd seemed more distant than usual, which was disconcerting because I didn't think it was possible. I tried striking up conversations with him all the time, to no avail. He had more to say to Canderous. I tried to hide my disappointment._

_I asked stupid questions about Dantooine all the time, just to make conversation. The sun was low in the sky, giving Carth a kind of ethereal glow. He looked good with Dantooine's soft light forming a halo around him, even if he had nothing to say. He was surprisingly patient with me, considering he hadn't known me for longer than a month. I tried to remind myself that he probably wanted nothing to do with a contrary woman like me, but it didn't keep me from hoping._

_I blinked and we were aboard the Ebon Hawk, back in the dark crew quarters. The tension told me it was after the Leviathan, on the way to Manaan to find the last Star Map._

"_You've been quiet again." I said tentatively._

"_I've been worried." He admitted. "About you."_

"_You don't need to worry about me."_

"_But I do. It's been bothering me." Neither of us was ready to say "Revan."_

"_Me too." I sighed. How long would it take me to come to terms with this? "Are you angry?"_

"_You wouldn't have to ask if I was."_

"_My neck would already be snapped, right?"_

"_Don't say that." Carth's tone puzzled me. "I… I don't act irrationally like that, especially…" He didn't say anything further. I had a feeling that asking him about it would be futile. He settled in to his bunk, finding a comfortable position. The conversation was over. It was the only conversation we had between my telling the crew I was Revan and when I returned from the ocean floor of Manaan._

_I'd just come back into the underwater station from getting the last Star Map when I got a feeling Carth wanted to talk. My stomach tied in knots._

"_Sorry about the sharkie comments." I said sheepishly._

"_It's fine, they were funny. I deserved them." Carth smiled uneasily and continued speaking. His words confused me. Only the last part was comprehensible in my memory:_

"_I think I could love you, if you gave me the chance."_

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! "Sure 'preciatecha!" (I'm from Utah...)**


	19. Apprentices

**19. Apprentices**

Carth endured my tagging along to the Republic offices, even though I only bored myself. I thought it would be good to get his perspective on things, so I followed him everywhere. He got out every last one of his damn medals.

"Are they all going to fit?" I asked, incredulous. He got out an ugly green uniform that rivaled his orange jacket.

"I'll make them fit." He laughed at my face. "This is the military formal uniform. I was wearing the formal uniform that is for non-military stuff to the other parties. The Fleet's kind of weird that way."

"Oh." I was still confused. Carth fastened the Cross of Glory onto his jacket. "Do they jingle when you walk?" I asked innocently, staring at all the shiny objects he had.

"I never really thought about it." Carth laughed. "Now I have to finish getting dressed."

"I'm not the one that distracts from important things." I taunted, sitting on the bed. "I was going to wear green." I sighed.

"You could wear… I don't know, orange?" Carth suggested, fastening the belt on his pants.

"Are you suggesting that _I_ wear the ugly jacket?" I coughed. "Sorry, but that fantasy of yours will have to wait." I walked over to the closet and examined my options. "How did you know I had an orange dress? I didn't even know it."

"Planning ahead." Carth replied. I couldn't see him grin, but I knew he was doing it.

"Dammit, Carth!" I cried, taking off my everyday clothes. "I hate not knowing what I have to wear. It disrupts my sense of control over my own life." I stepped out of my loose linen pants a bit too quickly and fell, hitting my shoulder on the wall of the closet.

"Are you okay?" Carth asked, appearing at the doorway. He was only wearing his pants and an undershirt.

"I am now." I grinned. Sure, I'd just fallen out of my pants and I was lying on the floor of a closet in my underwear. I was still happy.

"Get dressed," Carth laughed. "If you're falling down to get my attention, you're getting all kinds of unnecessary bruises."

"Don't flatter yourself, flyboy." I got up and took the orange dress off the hangar. It was very flowy, not billowy like my more formal dresses. It felt like I put on a sheet and tied it with hide so I didn't look like I'd fallen out of bed.

"I think I look stupid." I called as a warning before I came out carrying my sandals in my hand.

"Don't dig for compliments," Carth insisted, buttoning up his jacket. I dropped my sandals and went into the washroom to make sure I looked good.

"Oh, Ciara, you look hot!" Mission smiled.

"Like Tatooine hot?" I raised an eyebrow and arranged my hair.

"Stop it," Carth called.

"Don't get involved with men. They can read minds." I advised Mission in a low voice. "Speaking of men…"

Mission looked up and to the right, away from me, as she powdered her face delicately. "What's love like?"

"SHUT UP!" I cried, dropping my powder brush.

"I never admitted to anything." She said slyly.

"Yes you did." I began to clean up my mess. "It wasn't direct, but it was there."

"I don't know, Ciara." Mission sighed. "I like him around, but he seems to think of me as a kid sister."

"Oh, ouch." I lamented. "Well you look good, so maybe he'll reconsider. You aren't getting any younger, you know."

"Neither is he." Mission sighed again. "I always have fun with him, but I think he doesn't take me seriously. I just play Pazaak and get into trouble."

"At least he notices what you do well," I offered, thinking of Carth noticing me falling down and being short. Sure, I did them well, but I also saved his butt.

"Whenever he's around, I feel like I really want to impress him, you know? And at first when I talk to him, I'm really nervous, but then I calm down and everything seems to flow, like it was natural. I want to think it'll work out, but I don't know." I half-smiled reassuringly. "What do you think?" Her hazel-brown eyes begged for an answer. I couldn't help but feel sad for her.

"Just hang in there. His kind needs patience."

"You know better than anyone, right?" Mission smiled. "Thanks," her attention turned to my hair. "Oh no, you're not doing that." I had started pulling it back into a ponytail. "I'll make you look glamorous. Everyone will be looking at you."

"They'll be looking at Carth." I corrected.

"And you'll be following him around like a lost gizka."

"I'm the Admiral's wife. I'm supposed to."

"They'll still be looking at you." Mission put a hide headband in my hair, but it looked more intricate than a normal headband.

"Where did you learn how to make me look decent?" I asked, marveling at how my curled hair cascaded over my shoulders elegantly. The top of the dress was a lot like a tunic, baring my arms while having a higher neckline. Mission busied herself correcting where the hide strips on the dress went, so I looked less like a ragamuffin.

"It's not that hard," she managed. "You just happen to know nothing about making yourself look good. The hide ties are supposed to make you look feminine, not like you came in a parachute."

"I'm not used to looking feminine." I countered. "But I'm glad to have you around to make sure I don't look stupid before I do something clumsy."

"You have that part down pat." Mission straightened up. "I think that's all I can do for you."

"So that's what it's supposed to look like!" I exclaimed. Carth laughed from our room.

"Are you ready yet?" He called. "I have to go early and I thought you'd want to follow."

"I'm following!" I smiled at Mission and went back into the bedroom. "Just let me get my shoes on."

"You look great." He smiled.

"Thank Mission." I sat down on the bed and put a sandal on. Carth already had black polished boots on and everything. He went over to the closet. I put my other sandal on. "Ready!" I stood up carefully. The hem of the dress made it feasible that I'd trip. Carth came out with a hat. He put it on and glanced at himself in the transmitter screen. "You look hot, don't worry about it."

"Tatooine hot?" Carth mocked. I took his arm and we walked to the door.

"Ooh, they jingle!" I exclaimed girlishly. Carth laughed again.

His promotion ceremony was relatively quick. I couldn't stand up there with him (I wasn't surprised), so I sat with his parents. Elena gave me a quick rundown of the formalities, to which I was still a newcomer. I was glad to have a seasoned veteran of being the wife of the celebrated with me.

"Don't worry, you'll do fine." She smiled. "Once you've made it through one, you can smile your way through anything they throw at you."

"Come on, Elena, they aren't that bad." Han scoffed.

"That's because you were the one getting the medals." Elena laughed and put her hand on his knee, smiling assuringly at him. "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." Admiral Dodonna presented Carth with even more medals and insignias of his new rank.

"Should you choose to fully re-enter the fleet," she said, her voice projected through the room, "you could easily be promoted to Fleet Admiral."

"That's the highest rank." Elena explained, beaming. Admiral Dodonna continued to explain all the perks of being Carth. Since he was in charge now, he would have some element of control over his future, like the mission he was currently serving on. I wondered if he would resign after this mission. If he retired, he'd have a hefty paycheck, being an admiral. I was sure Admiral Dodonna knew full well that Carth could retire in three years, but she promoted him anyway. He must really be worth a lot to the Fleet. After Carth formally accepted and more medals were pinned to his jacket, we were ushered into a larger reception room. It was party time.

I had a feeling I'd be "Admiral Onasi's wife," the entire evening, so I made sure I put on my best party smile and got ready to be as graceful as I could. I stood by Carth's side, beaming, playing my role as his wife. As I had suspected at our end-of-trial party, he did know how to act. He was an utter gentleman who knew the etiquette of the parties almost as well as he knew his blasters. He enjoyed himself, but I was getting a little sick of these parties. I was willing to smile through this one, though. All kinds of Republic soldiers congratulated Carth on pretty much everything, although they too were on their best behavior. I was hoping for at least some to be like Canderous so I could have some real entertainment.

The crew of the Hawk was all there, but they weren't glued to Carth like I was. I caught myself longing to go with them, but made myself stop wishing I was somewhere else. I just hated being invisible half the time, even though I enjoyed being next to Carth as he was showered with compliments. I maintained serenity through the party. It kept people guessing when they acknowledged me. Carth's parents lingered fairly close by. Sensing I needed a break, Elena took me aside.

"I never got a chance to show you the pictures of Carth as a child." I grinned. She showed me a couple pictures and told me a few brief stories. I giggled.

"This is just what I need." I sighed. "These parties are exhausting."

"Tell me about it." Elena rolled her eyes. "Han is a retired general – and I was with him since right after he enlisted. As though I didn't get enough of dressing up, Carth had to go and enlist." Despite her words of frustration, she was proud. "And now Dustil! I'll be going to these parties until the day I die."

"I'm glad I found someone I can sympathize with." I smiled. She returned it.

"You should get back. People will start asking where the Admiral's wife is. After the party, I'll show you more pictures." She grinned at me while I pushed through the small crowd around Carth.

"Where were you?" Carth asked. I put my party smile back on.

"Making plans with your mother."

"Oh no." He muttered and greeted someone who came up to us. I felt like a museum exhibit. I tried to find Mission to see if she was having any success with Dustil, but it was in vain. "It's almost over. Hang in there." He whispered to me between congratulatory remarks. It was weird seeing him practically worshipped by so many Republic soldiers. I was glad that Carth had a well-deserved time in the limelight, and I grew to enjoy simply being his wife, not a celebrity Jedi. It took me a little while to adjust, but I did and was enjoying myself when the party was over.

"I was just starting to have fun." I feigned grumpiness. "Do we have to go yet?"

"Are you kidding?" Carth exclaimed. "I'm exhausted. I don't know if I could take that much longer."

"You looked like you were having a grand time."

"You get good at that in my line of work." He smiled. "So what are you and my mother up to?"

"She's going to show me embarrassing pictures of you." I grinned.

"I'm not letting her get you alone. She won't tell you the whole story." Carth promised. We sat down in the sitting room with his parents and sifted through pictures, finding the most interesting ones. We talked well into the wee hours. Carth had the next few days off, but I had to begin training my apprentices the next day, so I finally dragged myself to bed. I slept dreamlessly and woke up tired.

We decided that training would be most effective on Telos' surface, so we took a shuttle down to a small plain. Bastila was able to help us with the first few months of training. I was grateful to have her there. The apprentices were all young and a little anxious. I wanted to become friends with them, as I had with my crew, but they viewed me as a superior. I felt like I was constantly telling them not to call me Revan, which was exhausting. It was strange to be viewed as a generation apart, as a superior. I'd always just been me. I was constantly reminding myself to keep my patience. After a week, they mastered basic meditation. We assigned them reading for the evenings, so they'd learn the wisdom of the Jedi masters, even though we didn't have time to teach them during the initial bit of training. I was relieved. I thought I'd have to teach them everything. They showed promise, but were a lot rougher than I'd expected. Juhani focused on combat with them, Jolee focused on ethics, and I focused on meditation to aid them through the trials that awaited them at Malachor. Bastila taught the fundamentals of battle meditation to two or three apprentices at a time. Weeks passed. The training seemed to be getting somewhere. The students had improved their meditation skills greatly, but I could tell the ones that meditated at home from the ones that didn't.

"Cleansing the taint from the Outer Worlds is a very serious task," I addressed the group. "You must take it seriously and take every opportunity to improve yourself in order to be best prepared. Surely you can feel the reverberations of death around you here. Malachor V is far stronger. It pulses with dark energy. It will lure you in and you must remain vigilant against it. You will only be victorious if you seriously immerse yourself in your studies now. Work hard this weekend. In four weeks we travel to Taris. Prepare yourselves. You are excused." I maintained a serene expression as the apprentices left for the shuttle to the space station. I felt like their training had aged me prematurely. When they left, I dropped my serene façade.

"I didn't know you were an orator, kid." Jolee chuckled. "That was a heartwarming speech."

"It wasn't supposed to be heartwarming." I sighed. "At least they're doing better with the real Jedi stuff, like meditation and use of the Force. How goes their basic competency?"

"Their lightsaber construction is still a bit off." Juhani said calmly. "But some are beginning to excel in combat. From what I understand, they are not the same as those that excel in meditation."

"Good. At least their skills are balanced." The three of us walked toward the shuttle that would take us back to Citadel Station. "Can any of them pilot a ship?"

Silence.

"Oh no." I sighed.

"If you complain about it so much, why are you doing it?" Carth asked me one evening. He smiled playfully. He was just seeing how far I'd argue with him.

"It's not all bad; I'm just surprised that only one of them can fly a ship without endangering lives in the entire quadrant." Carth laughed. "It's terrifying. I'm trying to teach them not to fear, then they do something that makes me fear for my life."

"Sounds like it's a better match for you than desk work."

"I must be a sucker for punishment." I lamented. "Look who I'm stuck with."

"Oh, ouch." Carth said sarcastically. "Your insults have improved."

"Excuse me?" I asked playfully.

"You're witty, but you can't insult me to save your life."

"And you can insult me? 'Damn persistent' isn't much of an insult." I laughed. "Speaking of damned persistence, how's Czerka?" Carth's eyes rolled to the back of his head.

"We'll just say they make you look like the easiest person to work with."

I smiled. "I wonder how you made it this far in the galaxy without me."

He shook his head. "I couldn't tell you. Dealing with Czerka is like trying to have a decently interesting conversation with a protocol droid."

"That's rough." I sympathized, rubbing his shoulders.

"What are they going to do about your lack of pilots?" Carth asked after a minute.

"I don't know." I sighed. "If I have to go there, I won't be happy."

"Will you?"

"I'm not sure. If I have to, then maybe." I hated thinking about any situation where I had to go back to Malachor V.

"If you have to, I'm coming with." Carth insisted. _No. Not this again._

"If I go, I'm going alone. I can't risk losing you."

"But leaving me here wouldn't be losing me?" Carth was upset.

"Carth," I turned him around to face me. I kept my hands on his shoulders and leaned my forehead against his. "I'm not going unless there's no other way. If you come, you might die. I couldn't live with myself if I was responsible for your death. I'd rather you stay here where you're safe."

"I don't need you to protect me."

"You're stuck with it." I countered. "I promise I won't go unless there's no other way. I'd never up and leave you without explanation."

"I know you'd tell me, but I don't think the Council would. I'm afraid they'd pressure you to just leave."

"The apprentices are progressing quickly." I smiled, my voice full of hope. "Maybe it won't take two and a half more years. The agreement was that whenever they were ready, I'd be done." A noise came from the other room. I stood up and headed for the door.

"You know she's not due for another month." Carth smiled.

"I know." I faced him again. "I'm not used to the bond being all but gone. I worry." He stood up and hugged me. I loved how tactile he was.

"You don't need to worry." He whispered into my hair. "You'll know."

"It's not the same."

"It'll never be the same." Carth murmured. "But that doesn't mean it won't be good."

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! Have I told you lately that I love you? **


	20. Return to Taris

**20. Return to Taris**

Before any of us knew it, we were en route to Taris. Conversation aboard the Hawk was spotty and abrupt. Canderous had been made a Republic official. "Captain!" I demanded. "When did this happen?"

"It was their choice, not mine." Canderous laughed. "And it's only honorary. I don't think they could handle a Mandalorian officer."

"Whew. I was imagining you leading a Republic fleet." I exhaled in relief. A scream came from the med bay. I ran in, shutting the curtain behind me.

"I can't do this!" Bastila panted.

"It's too late to change your mind now." I said, patting her hand. "It'll be over soon."

"A lot of help you are." Bastila managed. "Could someone more compassionate help me?"

"Well, Jolee could come in and put you to sleep with his stories. You won't feel a thing." I grinned.

"Fine." Bastila's face screwed up in pain.

"Just keep breathing." I said in my best compassionate voice. "You can do this." Mission stood behind me tentatively.

"What do you need?" She asked Bastila.

"I'm going to die!" Bastila shrieked.

"You can be the midwife." I suggested. "I don't think Bastila wants me to." I turned to Bastila, who was still in agony. "You'll be okay. Just focus on your breathing." I held her hand. I wished Juhani weren't on the other ship with the apprentices; we could have used her help. Bastila wasn't exactly craving male company right now.

"You're doing okay, Bastila." Mission assured. "I can see the baby's head." Bastila wailed and held my hand harder.

"Do you want Canderous in here?" I asked gently.

"I'd kill him for doing this to me!" She was having a pretty serious contraction.

"You got it." I was at a loss for words. My desire to have children waned. I tried to get into a half-meditative state, reaching out to Bastila with the Force to keep her from thinking she was going to die. She calmed down a bit, but still hurt. Tears were running from her eyes. It seemed like a never-ending battle to make sure Bastila didn't freak out. She screamed so loud that I was sure Taris would hear us coming and try to send us back to Telos. Finally, she calmed down slightly.

"Canderous…" she managed. "Bring him here." I stuck my head out of the curtain.

"Canderous, you're needed." I called. My voice was soft in its abruptness. Canderous took my place at Bastila's side. Mission looked overwhelmed, so I joined her in being a midwife.

"You'll be okay…" He said gently. Bastila looked up at him, her eyes full of sadness and pain.

"Will I?" Canderous opened his mouth to answer, but he was interrupted by Bastila wailing like the galaxy was caving in around us. I had never heard anything like it. The wail echoed through the corridors of the Hawk, sending shivers up my spine. I wanted to do anything to make it stop, but it didn't. It changed pitch a bit, then I realized that the sound wasn't Bastila's any longer. Mission delicately held the child. I handed her a towel and a blanket, and she handed me the baby. I wiped him off gently, still a bit shaken by the horrific sound. Mission clipped the umbilical cord, took the baby, and wrapped him in the blanket. She handed him to Canderous.

"It's a boy!" Canderous hollered proudly, holding his son so Bastila could see. A cheer came from the center of the ship, where the rest of the crew had convened.

"He's beautiful." Bastila whispered. I was exhausted from the surge of emotion and pain that had just filled the med bay.

"What's his name?" Mission asked tentatively.

"Shan." Canderous stated, "After his mother." I opened the curtain, and the rest of the crew slowly filtered in to look. Silence like I'd never heard filled the ship.

"I thought Mandalorians hated babies." Griff mused. Mission elbowed him fiercely.

"Sorry," Bastila said, looking up at Canderous. "I wouldn't kill you." Canderous laughed.

"It takes guts to threaten a Mandalorian." He beamed, handing Shan to Bastila. Canderous had always confused me. He turned a death threat into a declaration of love. Only a Mandalorian…

"I guess the pain took over." Bastila explained to no one in particular. As weak, pale, and bloated as she was, she glowed with maternal beauty. I never thought I'd see this. Canderous' face softened almost beyond recognition as he waved and talked to his son.

"You'll get your payback. I'll just make sure you're there when I give birth." I smiled. She gave me a quizzical look. "Don't look at me like that; I'm not pregnant." Mission started to say something which would be no doubt teasing and inflammatory. Carth interrupted tentatively, not wanting to risk Bastila's newfound maternal ire.

"We're coming up on Taris," Carth said as the instruments buzzed and he rushed back into the cockpit to bring us to landing.

"Make this landing better than the last one," I grinned, sliding into the co-pilot seat. "I don't feel like being unconscious for days."

"That wasn't my fault," Carth smiled back. "Besides, you liked me nursing you back to health, holding you while you thrashed around…" _He's almost as good at this as I am._

"That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about how you loved sharing an escape pod with me. It was all cramped and you had to squish up against me, wrapping your legs around me…" Carth laughed.

"If you don't want to crash land because you're distracting me, you'd better shut up and drive." I giggled and started pressing buttons. Taris was being slowly rebuilt. It didn't look as horrible as it had the last time I'd seen it, even though it doesn't take much to look better than a planet being bombed by the Sith fleet.

"It's like we're starting over." I mused, focused on the landing pad we were headed toward. Carth said nothing, only smiled. Mission burst in.

"Do you two ever stop?" She demanded, obviously irritated with the lovers' gaze she had just interrupted.

"We take arguing breaks." I shifted my gaze from Carth to Mission.

"Sheesh." Mission rolled her eyes and looked out the window. Her tone sobered. "I can't believe that's Taris."

What had once been a sprawling urban center was now a partially-rebuilt ruin. Some open space was visible, which was a bit of a relief. I had grown used to having nature around on Telos. The planet still looked charred, but there were small stirrings of life and hope on the surface below.

"Welcome to New Taris." Carth said.

"Stop playing tour guide and pilot." I suppressed a giggle. "Or else I'll be unconscious for days again."

"Don't tempt me." Carth retorted. "Mission, do you want to co-pilot? It's hard to land when I'm being teased incessantly, especially when I know more about places than some of our companions." Laughing, I handed Mission the controls. I really didn't mind giving up my spot to her. I had followed Carth into the cockpit for the company, not to drive. I stood back and watched Taris get closer. My thoughts turned to the apprentices. They hadn't ridden with us, as it was cramped enough as is. I wondered how Juhani was faring with them. I was wondering if she'd make them meditate. Some of them really needed to do their homework. I was thankful that the sounds of the others onboard interrupted my thoughts. Apprentices, although nice, were stressful. I wondered if I could retire from the Jedi Order after my assignment. I had a feeling my promotion was intended to be temporary, since I'd get all juiced off power. Damn Revan. She always ruined my reputation. I listened to the crew figuring out where we'd put Shan for the rest of the voyage. Jolee was bossy as usual. Zaalbar was inspecting the hairless runt, from what I could gather of his speech and Bastila's defensive yowls. Canderous was threatening the Wookiee to back down. I couldn't help but laugh. Bastila and Canderous were parents. The thought brought a smile to my face. It was the most bizarre thing I could think of. It had been a little over a year since the Star Forge and we were already multiplying. For such an odd bunch, we had tons of chemistry flowing between us. In spite of the attention I'd grown used to receiving, I enjoyed listening to everyone a great deal of the time.

"Let me land this time." Mission demanded, although in an inquisitive tone.

"All right," Carth smiled and sat back. He took my hand and pulled me into his lap.

"And don't make me tell you to get a room!" Mission sighed, focusing her attention back on the controls. She'd landed the ship countless times, but never completely alone.

"You know, I get a funny feeling that something's going to happen." Carth mused.

"Are you sure it's not from yesterday, telling you that Bastila was going to have a baby?" I teased.

"I'm sure. It'll be interesting to see what Taris is like."

"I wonder if it smells the same." I mused.

"I hope not." Carth's nose wrinkled. "And if it does, I hope you decide against playing in the sewage this time."

"I wasn't playing. You'd know if I was playing." I corrected.

_Carth was shaken up at the destruction of Taris, even after we'd arrived on Tatooine. When we left for Yavin to dump off some goods, I pulled Mission aside and whispered my plan to her. She giggled. We both activated our stealth generator belts and made sure we had sound-dampening units on as we snuck into the crew quarters. I opened the compartment under the bunk Carth favored. Sure enough, his prized blasters were there. I pulled them out carefully and put them under some panels in the floor. As a smuggler, I had a sixth sense about where hidden compartments would be._

"_Do you have the contraband?" I whispered to Mission, who handed me a small box. I opened it a crack and the last gizka on the ship cooed at me. I stifled a giggle._

"_Perfect, isn't it?" Mission whispered._

"_Yep!" I smiled, forgetting she couldn't see me. "Climb up on the bunk so you can see his face when he comes in here." She did while I carefully placed the box with the gizka in the compartment where his blasters had been. I scribbled a note on the box:_

Dear Carth,

I ate your blasters. Please don't kill me. I'm too cute.

_I closed the compartment and snuck to the other side of the room as footsteps came down the corridor. The look on Carth's face was priceless. Tears crept to the edges of my eyes as I restrained laughter. He started yelling my name._

"_What the _hell_ did you do to my blasters?" He cried, running out of the quarters. I couldn't hold in the laughter anymore. I fell to the ground quietly, giggling incessantly, but trying to keep the noise level to a minimum. I barely heard Carth's footsteps come back into the crew quarters. Mission tried to warn me but it was too late. "Where are my blasters?" Carth asked coolly, tapping my arm to deactivate my stealth generator._

"_He ate them." My face straightened. "Can't you read?" I was suppressing laughter. I couldn't hold my pazaak face for very long, not when Carth was so ticked off. _

"_Stop acting so childish!" Carth was almost angry. "Why did you do this?"_

"_Because I thought you needed a break." I explained. "You've had a long face since we left Taris." I opened the compartment and let him have his blasters back. When I went to bed after trying to fix HK-47, I jumped, realizing I'd almost sat on something. It was the gizka, with a note around its neck._

Dear Ciara,

I claim this bed. Please don't kill me. I'm too cute and I have indigestion from Carth's blasters.

_I laughed. He was smarter than I thought._

"You're right." Carth smiled. I couldn't be sure he was thinking about the blaster gizka, but I smiled back.

"I'm always right." I raised my eyebrows. "You should know by now."

"Whatever you say." Carth's face relaxed, but his smile lingered. He put his arms around my waist. Mission landed the Hawk gently. We got a message not to leave the ship until further notice, but that didn't keep me from looking out the windows.

To say Taris wasn't like I left it would be one of the greatest understatements ever made. The planet was all but deserted and even after almost three years, it still reeked of death. The surviving Tarisian government had spent the time prior to our arrival bickering about stupid things, as governments are wont to do. We had to amuse ourselves in the hangar while the docking authorities did whatever they do that takes hours.

"It looks like we could spend the next year jumping through hoops and watching bureaucracy inaction." I mused.

"Clever." Carth scoffed. I rolled my eyes.

"It was hilarious. You're trying not to laugh." I insisted.

"You're getting really bad at your Force persuasion." Carth raised an eyebrow, giving me a familiar look.

"That wasn't persuasion, it was obvious." I retorted. "And don't give me that look."

"What look?" Carth's feigned innocence was definitely something he'd picked up from me.

"That 'here's-a-suggestion-but-I'll-let-you-think-it's-your-idea' look." I narrowed my eyes. "I have plenty of my own ideas."

"You have more bruises than good ideas." Carth smirked.

"What are you getting at?" I shot Carth my best impression of his look back, hoping a taste of his own medicine would help my cause. It didn't.

"Well it's hard to tell why you wear them so proudly, since you get half of them from falling out of bed and running into walls."

"Right." I rolled my eyes, pretending that he was lying.

"Okay, more like two-thirds." He grinned.

"No way." I folded my arms. "Point to any scar, any bruise, and I'll tell you what it was."

"That one." He pointed to a bruise on my left forearm.

"Shoving a Sith out of the way so I could beat down his leader." I tried.

"You wouldn't still have bruises for that; you haven't fought Sith for over a year." Carth grinned. "I remember when you got it. You almost got stuck in a door."

"I was breaking up a cantina brawl!" I insisted.

"You weren't even in the cantina yet." Carth laughed.

"I couldn't break it up if I wasn't in there." I could see I wasn't doing too well. "Try another one."

"Fine." Carth smiled and thought a moment. "Where did that lovely scar on your side come from?" He touched the spot he was speaking of, just above my right hipbone.

"I don't remember." I said quickly. I heard a laugh from the other room.

"Isn't that the one from when you ran straight into a root on Kashyyyk?" Jolee called. "It was a pretty nasty gash."

"Damn." I hung my head. "What about this one?" I lifted my right arm, pointing to a spot on my shoulder blade. I moved my sleeve so the jagged scar was visible.

"All right, tell us." Carth smiled indulgently.

"Uthar tried to slash me in the face with his lightsaber. I put my arm up to guard, turning as I rolled to dodge. He got my shoulder blade." I explained. "And you'd better be grateful or this thing would be on my face."

"Okay, well you're one for three." Carth smiled. "Two clumsy wounds versus one battle wound."

"HK?" I called. "I need your definition skills. It has to do with combat…" I made my offer enticing.

"Statement: Ready, Master. I only hope the task isn't below me." HK stood at attention.

"What exactly is battle?" I asked, sly. "I have to hear this from an expert."

"Answer: That is simple, Master. Battle is the violent – and hopefully bloody – culmination of conflict between two entities."

"We know battle occurs between sentient beings all the time." I paced across the cockpit. "Can battle occur between two non-sentient beings?" I turned, looking at HK.

"Obvious answer: Why, yes. Droids battle other droids all the time."

"So, since I have battled a droid, sentients and non-sentients may engage in battle." I deduced. "And droids can stand in for all non-sentients and humans can stand in for all sentients, logically."

"Query: What are you getting at, Master?"

"HK, is surviving in the wilderness a battle?" I asked.

"Hesitant answer: I believe it fits my definition, Master, although it isn't my idea of a good battle."

"Thus," I took an oratory tone, interrupting HK's lamentation, "all my wounds are from battle, whether with Sith, doors, trees, or anything else." I grinned proudly.

"Correction: A tree is not a worthy foe for battle."

"But when one is in battle, a foe's worthiness doesn't matter if he is simply in the way." I countered.

"Agreement: Yes, Master. Your attitude toward terminating foes in the way is admirable." HK approved.

"So my definition stands. All my wounds are battle wounds." I grinned at Carth.

"You're good at twisting words." Carth smiled back.

"Awed statement: Master, your logic is impeccable, especially for a meatbag!" I thought HK's jaw was going to drop. "My respect for you has increased an unquantifiable, yet large, amount." I smiled at the droid.

"I only regret I couldn't have had this debate with you gentlemen sooner." I beamed. Carth rolled his eyes.

"Do you ever lose?" He asked.

"It depends on what you mean by losing." I glanced sideways at him.

"Don't start another speech." He grinned. "I didn't know you were such an orator."

"I'm not." I smiled. "I'm just me."

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! Your generosity is flattering!**


	21. Running Away

**21. Running Away**

Dark visions flashed in my head. _I thought I was done with this. I thought she was gone. All I want is to be me. Is that so much to ask?_ A giant claw-like structure was in the middle of my field of vision, no matter where I looked. I wanted to destroy it, but it was always just out of reach. I saw Jedi being tortured until they broke. Watching them slowly lose grip on reality and sanity was like trying to perform an appendectomy on myself with a vibroblade while drunk. My eyes rolled around, desperate to shield themselves from what they saw. Finally, I gasped and opened my eyes. I was getting used to seeing Carth look concerned when I woke up from nightmares, but something was different.

"It's good to see you up instead of thrashing around in your sleep. I'm Carth, one of the Republic soldiers from the Endar Spire. I was with you on the escape pod, do you remember?" My head ached and the room I was in was dark and metallic.

"What the—" This couldn't be happening.

"Well, you've been slipping in and out of consciousness for a few days now, so I imagine you're pretty confused about things." Carth continued.

"You're damn right I am!" I exclaimed, interrupting.

"Try not to worry." He urged. "We're safe… at least for the moment."

"You've got to be kidding me." I was having a hard time believing how familiar Carth's words were.

"That smack to the head must have done more than I thought." Carth looked concerned.

"We've done this before." I put a hand to my head. "This is exactly what you said when we were on Taris."

"What do you mean, when we _were_ on Taris? We're there now." Carth raised an eyebrow quizzically.

"But we've been here!" I exclaimed. _Oh no. What if that was all a premonition? I was a Jedi after all. Wasn't I?_ I had to calm myself down before I got too convinced that this was real. He ignored what I said and continued.

"I…I kinda get the feeling we'll be spending a lot of time together over the next while." He said hesitantly. Maybe I should try to put him in stasis while I beat the hell out of him. My inner Jedi kicked me again, so I took the more civil route.

"You're damn right, and it won't be too fun unless you stop making me think I've done a time warp!" I cried.

"I know." Carth grinned. "You were pretty scared for a second." He laughed heartily. "I don't know how I kept a straight face for so long. You were so…" His laughter interrupted. It reminded me of how hard I'd laughed at him when I made him wear the Mandalorian armor, only this was different. _Keep telling yourself that._

"Cute." I rolled my eyes. "So how hard did you have to whack me on the head to give me this lump?" Another asteroid was growing out of my scalp. Carth laughed harder. I blushed, realizing what really happened. "No, don't tell me…"

"You sat up pretty eagerly." He looked like he was going to fall to the ground laughing. "You managed to hit that shelf." He pointed.

"I must be good." I raised my eyebrows. The shelf was off to one side of the bed. "I think I have a magnet in my head that attracts me to metal things."

"I think it's just you." Carth panted from laughing so hard. "You should have seen your face!"

"I'm glad you find my face this amusing." I replied sardonically, standing up carefully.

"I'm glad you seem to be immune to concussions and—" Carth was interrupted by a pillow flying headlong toward his face. He stopped laughing and searched me for signs that I was actually hurt. I smiled slowly. A look that was trapped between asking for forgiveness and feigning innocence was stuck on his face. I could almost watch him think by watching his facial expression morph. He became almost impatient and confused while I kept staring at him.

"Were you saying something?" I asked. "I was too busy – observing – you to hear." I winked. The pillow came right back at me, but I dodged it.

I knew the lighthearted feeling wouldn't last for long. My dreams and visions reminded me of all the things Revan had done, and they weren't getting any better. It was almost as bad as my breakdown, and I feared the visions would only get worse. The Council had decreed I was no longer Revan, but that didn't change my identity, just like the mind wipe I'd had before didn't change that I was Revan somewhere. As tempting as it was, I couldn't run away from her any longer. I had a nagging feeling that I could ignore less and less as days went by. I couldn't just wake up and the visions would be gone; the feelings from them remained, permeating my waking life. I knew I had to somehow do one more thing, but I had no idea what it was. I tried talking to Carth about it, to little avail.

"I think I need to go out there." I sighed, knowing it wouldn't convince him. Sometimes I wondered why I even tried.

"You can't go." Carth told me.

"I have just one more thing to set right." I assured.

"Then what will you need to do? After Malachor, will you go to Serroco?" He demanded, agitated. He was hurt. I felt a bit of shame at doing this to him.

"I… I don't know." I couldn't meet his gaze. I allowed him to assure me that the apprentices would do their jobs, but I remained unconvinced. He and I were both fully aware of it, but allowed ourselves to put off the inevitable.

Training apprentices was proving extremely difficult. I realized my anxiety that was behind the sense of foreboding that had made a home in my head. I hated it. I hadn't told Carth about this new development, but I'm sure he could sense it. I dreamt vividly of Malachor for weeks, and that which I had to do became clear to me.

"The apprentices." I managed, staring at a spot on the wall behind Carth's head after a particularly trying day. The worst was yet to come.

"Ciara," He began, his voice filled with sorrow and pleading. I tried to ignore it. I tried to center myself. I had to do everything I could not to cry.

"They can't do it. They'll die." My tone was flat. "I have to go."

"NO!" Carth stood up and ran to me. "You can't go. What if you don't come back?"

"I'll come back." I rested my forehead on his shoulder and his arms were around me in the blink of an eye. "If you wait, I promise I'll be back. I won't be longer than… than I have to." I had to be strong, just this once. I knew I could act like a Jedi if I really wanted to, but I was having difficulty finding peace in the sorrow.

"How long will you be gone?"

"Too long." I lamented. "But I need to go."

That night, I stole the Ebon Hawk. I left messages for everyone, telling them I'd contact them when all was said and done. I had to clean up my mess. My illusion of control burst as soon as I was alone. I sobbed. I could hardly pilot the ship through my tears. Leaving my friends was the cruelest thing I'd ever done, but it was necessary. I had to protect the ones I loved; I had to track down the true Sith and make the galaxy safer.

On my way to the Outer Rim, I noticed that I had stowaways: T3 and HK-47. I tinkered with T3 until I found a message from Carth, pleading the droid to find help. I pursed my lips. The message confirmed my suspicion that Carth had a hand in the droids' convenient position on the ship. I couldn't decide what to do about them. The very conflict made me realize that I was too attached, even to my droids. I had to take drastic action. I put the ship on autopilot and headed to the garage.

"HK, I need to perform some repairs on you." I lied, keeping the straightest face I could.

"Affirmative: Whatever you say, Master. I trust your judgment." He shut down.

"You shouldn't." I lamented as I dismantled him. When I finished dragging him to the closet where Juhani used to stay, I went into the crew quarters to rest, only to find that I had left my blanket on Taris. I felt even lonelier without my source of material comfort. T3 came into the quarters, asking what had happened to HK.

"I did what had to be done, T3." I replied. "Stay here while I go to the cantina." I gulped as I walked down the boarding ramp of the Ebon Hawk for the last time, my shoulder bag full of parts to sell and datapads I refused to part with. I met a droid merchant on the docking bay, to whom I sold HK's parts that I had removed. I searched the docks for people in need of a ship. At last, I met a family who needed transport to the Core Worlds, so I donated the Ebon Hawk to them. They were pleased with my gratitude, but I didn't feel the warmth I used to when helping others.

I was in a cantina on some remote world when my ship left. I was trying to drown my sorrows without becoming a heavy drinker, trying to find control when I felt I had none. I was stranded and there was no turning back.

My days were unimportant and my thoughts were blank. I faced my past head-on for the first time in the Outer Rim in those years, and I'll be damned if I never wished that my crew were with me. Years passed. I was stranded on the fringes of the galaxy, chasing the only person who knew what I must do to right my wrongs: an old woman, an old master of mine that I barely remembered. She constantly escaped me, so I soon resigned to visiting planets touched by the war I'd waged and trying to set things right. I wondered when I would get a sign that I was released from my task. At times I would visit more populated worlds to sit in cantinas and hear the news of the galaxy, hoping that my friends' faces would appear. I was always disappointed. I became reserved and moody, like a crankier version of Jolee. No matter how hard I tried to separate my thoughts from my friends, even temporarily, I couldn't help but remember and miss them.

I grew to hate looking at myself. My boyish figure had become a frame to hang my skin on. Although I tried to keep distracted, my thoughts wandered to Carth. I knew I was "letting myself go" again, like Bastila had said on Alderaan. _When this is over, I'm done. I'll go somewhere, anywhere quiet and settle down._ I sighed. What use was an epiphany like that when I had no way home? I didn't know whether or not I was really done, and I wanted to make sure I'd never have to come back. I slumped my shoulders and downed a Corellian brandy. I hated brandy, but it reminded me of Carth. I'd been away most of the time I knew him. I couldn't be sure he was still thinking of me. Sometimes I would try to contact him through the Force to tell him I was all right and would come back. I had given up worrying that he'd found another woman. I allowed apathy to consume me while I was gone. I would deal with my life when it was mine to have again. It was rarely successful. _Why did I feel so compelled to leave Carth? Would he accept me if I came home? Home._ I cried, finally understanding the magnitude of my actions. Not only had I left my family, friends, and loved ones, but I had left the only place I had ever remembered considering home. I took a long gulp of brandy, loving and hating the warmth as it flooded my throat. I had learned not to cry in public, which was harder than learning to be called Revan again, something I'd taken up to lessen confusion. I was struggling against tears when an olive-skinned brunette strolled up to me. Her stride was that of a Jedi, but there was something off about her. She was going to speak to me, I knew it. I took a gulp of brandy. _Bring on the worst._

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people knock my socks off!**


	22. Emptiness

**22. Emptiness**

I knew it before I woke up. She'd left. I didn't have to reach to her side of the bed to know that she wasn't laying there.

_The fact that she told you she was leaving give you a hint? The fact that she kissed you goodbye and took all her stuff was just a game, flyboy? _

Even though her own words playfully mocked me, I missed her already. I rolled over and realized her blanket was still here. _Maybe she'll come back for it and I'll convince her to stay._ My heart leapt with hope. I knew she wouldn't be back until she was done, but I was willing to believe that she would. I didn't think she'd leave this quickly. _If I would've known, I would've had Mission put a tracking device on her._ I sighed. She said she had to go alone and she left me here, useless. Even though it wasn't the first time – or maybe because of it – I was frustrated as hell.

"_Did she just try to flip me off?" I demanded. Juhani wasn't the person to ask. She just shrugged. "Dammit! There has to be a suit around here somewhere." I ran to the other room, trying to find another environment suit among the dead insane Selkath. They weren't bleeding, thanks to Ciara's and Juhani's lightsabers which cauterized wounds. I'd hardly had a chance to use my blasters on them. Those women were damn fast._

"_You know there aren't any." Juhani's voice floated through the air. It wasn't what I wanted to hear._

"_What if the big shark gets her?" I worried. I'd almost said "mama sharkie." I tried not to smile. This was serious. I wondered if she knew that she had the effect of putting me in a panic, then almost making me laugh at myself for saying something as stupid as "mama sharkie" in adult conversation._

"_Would you be able to save her?" Juhani retorted. I wanted to hit her. Of course I could! "Your blasters wouldn't work, even if you could use them in an environmental suit. You can't hold blasters with that suit over your hands, you know that." And the environmental suits were gone. So what would I do?_

"_It'd make me feel better if I were out there with her." I resigned, returning to the room she'd just left. I sat on a footlocker._

"_I know." Juhani sat next to me. "You more than the rest of us want to protect her, to help her."_

"_I want to save her." I was surprised at the words. I'd never given them much conscious thought, but they were true._

"_She's the only one that can save her now." Juhani sighed, looking at the airlock._

"_No." I stood up. "I'm going to help her, if it means my life. I didn't even expect to get this far, and I'm not going to lose her after all this." I watched a smile develop on Juhani's face._

"_You love her." She observed. I tried to get flustered, but I couldn't. Juhani was right. _This is rich. I'm madly in love with Darth Revan, which I thought was the most improbable thing ever. _I wanted to defer what she'd said, but I couldn't. It was true, and it was something I'd have to come to terms with._

"_I can't hate her." I put a hand to my forehead. "I… I tried. I tried remembering Telos, and my wife… but she's not the same person that did all that."_

"_She's a better person," Juhani added. "She was like an angel when she freed me so long ago on Taris, but even though I only saw her briefly and when I was so young, I can feel how much she's grown." She stood next to me and put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly. It wasn't like when Ciara – Revan – did that kind of thing, when I would wonder for the first time in years if a woman was actually interested in me. I hadn't even cared before. When Juhani comforted me, I knew it was platonic. I'd always had some suspicion about Ciara – Revan. _I can't think of her as Revan. I can't do it. I can't put her and that monster in the same spot in my head._ I wondered how long I'd really cared what she thought. She told me not to care what she thought about me, but I felt like an idiot teenager drooling over girls that gave me a second glance. I hadn't felt like that… since I was an idiot teenager. It made me feel vulnerable again. I hoped she wouldn't use it against me. _

"_You have to tell her." Juhani said quietly._

"_It might come out wrong." I tried arguing. I hated how these Jedi women were always right._

"_It won't."_

_Silence that lasted eons endured. Juhani was right; I'd have to talk to her soon about knowing she was Revan… and what she meant to me. _She _is_ Revan._ I thought, shuddering. I had to find out how much of the redemption blather I believed. The airlock opened and a bulky figure appeared. _The last time I saw her in an environment suit was on the Leviathan, just before… _I couldn't take it anymore. It was now. I had to talk to her now. I tried opening my mouth, but couldn't._

"_Wow, don't let me interrupt your party." She took off her helmet. Her hair was messed up endearingly. Her cheeks were slightly red from being trapped in the helmet of the environment suit, keeping her warm. She wiped a few beads of sweat from her brow. "Why the long faces? I got the last map, let's get out of here."_

"_Did anything get you?" I asked anxiously, standing back up._

"_Why do you ask? Am I missing any limbs?" She replied playfully, looking at herself to make sure she wasn't missing an arm. As idiotic as it was, I had to smile. "Stop worrying about me; you'll give yourself gray hairs"_

"_If you wouldn't get yourself in so much trouble," I tried teasing her, but couldn't. I sighed. She looked at me apologetically._

"_Sorry about the sharkie comments." She said softly._

"_It's fine, they were funny. I deserved them." I pursed my lips. It was now or never. "Look," I began, but stopped. Ciara took a breath._

"_It's time we talked about me being… being Revan, isn't it?" She lowered her voice. Juhani went back to the submersible, leaving Ciara and me in a windowed tunnel, where I could make out some dead firaxa sharks making a trail where Ciara had been._

"_If you're ready to talk, then yes… so am I." I said quietly._

"_And?" She looked at me. I'd never seen her look at me like this. _She's asking for forgiveness. She's… afraid._ I took a deep breath._

"_I can't hate you. I tried… I wanted to hold you responsible for all the things you've done. For my… for my wife, for Telos… for Dustil. But I can't."_

"_Why can't you?" Her eyes were full of sadness. It was obvious that she held herself responsible for all that had happened, everything she didn't remember. I almost expected her to tell me how much she hated herself, based on her tone. The thought of her … with that much hate for herself… horrified me. I wanted her to see what I saw in her, but I knew it would take time. I wanted nothing more than to take that away, but if Revan was half the woman Ciara was, she was still pretty damn amazing. Everyone we'd run into said that Ciara was a vast improvement. I believed it. I wanted her to believe it too._

"_I got the revenge I always wanted when Saul died, but it hasn't brought me the peace I thought it would. All I can think of now is the promise I made to protect you from what's going to come. It's given me a reason to look past simple revenge." She winced. Did she think I was going to revoke my promise? I put my hand on her arm reassuringly. "Despite whatever part of Revan is inside you, the… the darkness that must surely be there, it isn't who you are." I looked her straight in the eye and watched her struggle with her identity. I'd seen it a hundred times since the Leviathan, but it was still painful to watch. Watching her suffer like that made me feel like I'd been shredded. "That's why I can't hate you, why I don't want any more revenge. You don't have to be Revan, you can be so much more. Whatever the Jedi did to you, they gave you that chance." I looked down at her, feeling my face go soft. It was such a relief to be able to show how I felt. "You have this huge destiny waiting for you, and I just fear that if you're alone it could swallow you whole. I mean, is there room in there for me? Will you let me help you?"_

_She closed her eyes for a moment and looked back up at me. "I don't want you hurt protecting me, Carth." She said sincerely. She hadn't denied it. Her voice was soft. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be outright rejected, and it encouraged me._

"_I think I would be hurt worse if I didn't try." I replied. I realized I had been holding one of her forearms below the elbow for the past few minutes for no apparent reason. I let go._

"_I don't understand." Ciara said slowly. The window behind her created a beautiful, if not bittersweet, backdrop. Firaxa swam around with a dangerous elegance. It seemed fitting for something so beautiful to be so potentially fatal._

"_Whatever's happened up until this point, there's going to come a time very soon where you're going to have to make a choice. And there won't be any turning back." She nodded and swallowed hard out of nervousness. "I want you to make the right choice. I want to give you a reason to."_

"_What sort of reason?" She asked hesitantly. She was cute when she was nervous, even though she was still sad about being Revan. I couldn't help but smile, which aggravated her more. _

"_You gave me a future. I want to give you a future, too… with me." I hated that I stammered when I was nervous. I dropped the smile, waiting anxiously for her response. Ciara's face was still, but concerned – her usual expression when she was listening to me, or anyone for that matter. She smiled slightly, nervously. I wondered if she understood. I took another deep breath._

"_I think I could love you, if you give me the chance." I managed. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. _She's not Revan, bantha fodder. She's a remarkable woman, you said so yourself. Get over the Revan thing already. You're even using her insults against yourself.

"_I think I could love you too." She said quietly in a tone I'd never heard before._

"_Well then I'm… I'm glad. Let's… let's face the future together then… there's still a lot to do." We stood there for a moment, just there. I began to walk slowly to the submersible. She wasn't following. I turned around. She was staring out the window at the sharks. "Hurry up, say goodbye to your sharkie friends." I smiled._

"_I had to thank them for not taking my limbs." She retorted, still watching the sharks. "You could've picked a better spot for this talk, you know?" She mused. "Somewhere like, I don't know… somewhere with a sunset. I think normal people like sunsets."_

"_I just had to—" I began defensively._

"_I know neither one of us are normal, but come on! You could've chosen somewhere without sharks, for crying out loud. If that's not ominous, I don't know what is." She interrupted. "Are you saving a real declaration for the Star Forge?" She turned to me, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her head slightly tilted, an eyebrow raised, with a smug challenging look on her face._

"_Listen, you," I started, almost threatening her. She smiled slowly, mischievously. My arms fell to my sides. She had completely disarmed me. She walked toward me slowly, headed toward the submersible. I was so focused on watching her walk toward the submersible that I didn't realize she hadn't actually passed me until her footsteps stopped next to me. She looked up at me and smiled._

"_Come on," she laughed. "Just because we had a mushy moment doesn't mean I have to be nice to you." She took my hand and started walking again. _

I slowly allowed myself to acknowledge her non-presence. I felt empty. I'd never felt more alone. I was despondent and getting bitter again. _No, I'm not going to do this again._ I shook my head, reinforcing my resolve, even though it felt crazy. The face I saw in the mirror was definitely mine, and one I was pretty used to, but the old sadness had returned. I went over to the transmitter. Her comlink address was still in there. I hit the button hopefully.

"Carth, I told you I can't be in touch with you." Ciara's voice said sadly. "I want to, but I can't. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you." It ended. There was nothing more. I wondered if she'd brought anyone else…

"_What about you, Canderous?" Ciara asked aboard the Ebon Hawk right after the Leviathan. Of course a bloodthirsty good-for-nothing Mandalorian would stand by her. He practically worshipped Revan, especially since she happened to be female. That idiot would have to learn how to keep his libido in check. It was disgusting. What was it to me what he thought?_

"_Whatever you are fighting, it will be worthy of my skill." I wished Canderous would stop blowing his own horn. "I'm your man until the end, Revan, no matter how this plays out." Was he hitting on her? I wanted to yell in protest._

"I'm _your man, Ciara! I already promised to protect you. I think I love you!" I swore I said it, but my lips weren't moving. I was mortified. _I'd better shut up for a while. A long while._ I mused._

The restoration effort on Taris was going a lot slower than the one on Telos. At least some rich folks were starting to buy land on the surface on Telos, but no one wanted to touch Taris. _And she wanted to come here; she thought it was home. _I sighed. Maybe it just seemed longer since she was gone. I'd enjoyed Taris for the first time when she was here.

"She'll be back, Carth." Mission said softly.

"How do you know?" I asked. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I'm a proud man, I can't cry, especially not in front of Mission. _Maybe she knows something. Ever since she and Ciara met, they hit it off. _I remembered those two giggling like a couple of schoolgirls aboard the Hawk. Ciara must've been twice Mission's age, but she could act a lot younger without compromising her aura of maturity. Sometimes Mission would wander over from the starboard quarters to hang with Ciara in the port quarters. They'd play Pazaak and chat, even with that filthy blanket in there.

"_What stinks?" I demanded, running out of the cockpit toward something that smelled worse than a herd of wild banthas._

"_Ciara found a blanket." Mission explained, her nose wrinkled. "I think she took it out of the krayt dragon's guts."_

"_Krayt dragon?" I demanded. Apparently I'd missed quite a bit by being stuck on the ship. "Those things are dangerous!"_

"_Yeah, we know." Mission sighed. "It doesn't stop her though."_

"_I'm convinced she stole it from the Sand People." Canderous ventured. He was never too quick with these conversations. I rolled my eyes._

"_I figured she of all people would adopt something that disgusting." I shot a quick look at Canderous. "Where is she?"_

"_Sleeping in the port quarters." Bastila explained. "She just fought Darth Bandon and probably needs a good –" I didn't feel like listening to her, so I left, suppressing the urge to tell Bastila where to stuff it._

_I walked into the port quarters where I knew she liked to sleep. She'd curled up on her usual bunk – the one closest to the door – with a horribly ugly brown blanket around her, but she was fast asleep. There was no way I could be upset with her when she looked that innocent. Instead of kicking myself for going soft, I adjusted the ventilation systems so the smell wouldn't circulate around the Hawk. When she woke up and left the blanket there, Mission and I tried to wash the ghastly thing in the fresher. It still stank, but less. When Ciara took over piloting for me later, I was exhausted. I hadn't slept in days and the food on the Hawk wasn't really worth eating. I knew she'd be up all night, so I allowed myself to collapse on the bed with the horrible blanket, somewhat intrigued by it. I instantly knew why she'd kept it: it was, despite its stench, the most comfortable blanket I'd ever slept with. It was warm, soft, just thick enough, and gave a sense of comfort. The stench of half-digested bantha fodder was slowly being replaced with something lighter. I recognized the smell, but only placed it as I fell asleep. It was the way her hair smelled after running around on Dantooine. She'd let it loose over her shoulders, not back like it usually was, when we were walking to let the wind dry it after she fell, trying to retrieve a vibroblade that had fallen in a stream. It was classic slapstick Ciara. She managed to get the vibroblade, but when she fell in she splashed water on Bastila, which gave her extra points in my book. When her hair was loose like that, it didn't dry beautifully, but it smelled like fresh air. When did I get so poetic? I'm a soldier, not a poet. I tried to convince myself that sleeping with her blanket was not as comforting to me as it seemed, but I fell asleep just after giving up._

We plodded along in restoring Taris. I zoned out most of the time. I guess I could have tried to keep everyone going, like Ciara did, but I was no good at it. I didn't feel like replacing her. My thoughts were interrupted by Griff's increasingly annoying shrill voice.

"Look, Mission, I promise this is the last time, but I found the recipe for Tarisian ale!" He exclaimed, running out of what remained of a Lower City cantina.

"Damn it, Griff, I told you no more!" Mission snatched the datapad from his hand and he grabbed at it. She was getting to be at the end of her rope with him.

"I'm not letting you run my life, sis!" Griff exclaimed, pushing her against the wall and trying to restrain her so he could get the datapad.

"I'm not letting you ruin yours!" Mission practically spat.

"What does it matter to you?" Griff demanded, angry. "You've been bossing me around ever since you found me again! I'm sick of it!"

"You signed the contract. You can't get out of it." Mission retorted through clenched teeth. I walked away slowly. It was Ciara's place to resolve family squabbles, not mine, although I'd have loved to make those two shut up so I could think. I wasn't diplomatic about it. If they shut up my way they'd both be pretty upset at me. I don't know how she could negotiate things, I just yelled when I needed something to happen. I leaned against the wall, sitting on what was the street. It looked so different now… but it still made me remember, and memories were far better than the present for the time being.

_I was stranded on a giant space dumpster with a woman I hardly knew, and she was practically giving me the third degree. At least she was almost sweet about interrogating me. I swear she batted her eyelashes at me when she asked, "Is this a good time to ask you some more questions?"_

"_I'm all ears, beautiful." I moved my head as though I were tossing my hair. She grinned._

"_Keep addressing me like that and you might lose an ear or two." She countered, still smiling._

"_A little bit touchy, are we? Is there something else you'd prefer I called you?" I laughed._

_Without missing a beat, she replied, "How about 'gorgeous'? I like that better."_

"_I might consider it." I teased. "What are you going to call me in exchange?"_

"_How about 'sexist worm'?" She lifted her eyebrows._

"_Is that it? You can do better than that!" I exclaimed, laughing._

"_Lobotomized Gammorean!" She retorted._

"_Ouch." I laughed more. I hadn't laughed so much for a long time. "That is better. Well, I bet 'beautiful' doesn't sound so bad in comparison now, does it?"_

_She joined me in laughing. "You are such a pain, you know that?" She smiled. She looked slightly fond of me, but I convinced myself that it was in my head._

"_Guilty as charged." I smiled._

I smiled slightly at the memory of her, but it had already begun to fade. It felt like she'd left years ago, but it couldn't have been that long. I pulled a datapad out of my pocket. It had a note on its first screen: "Look at this as often as necessary. You'll need to be able to recognize me when you pick me up at the dock. Love, Ciara" I touched the screen, smiling. The fact that she was so optimistic about this helped me. I looked briefly at the pictures, supplied by Mission, so they weren't all terribly flattering. There were a lot of candid pictures. I liked it that way – she looked real. She'd covered all the bases.

I had to keep resigning myself to just waiting for her on a nearly daily basis. Every day I would struggle to not chase after her, which usually involved listening to her transmission at least once to talk me out of it. Time dragged slowly. I hoped she'd just return out of nowhere, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I hardly slept anymore; instead I wandered around the streets, trying to remember when things were better, even if it was when we hardly knew each other. Taris didn't smell the same, but the context reminded me of when I was last there…

"_Carth?" Her tone was sweet, especially compared to the stench of the Lower City._

"_Yes? What's on your mind?"_

"_I just want to talk with you." She replied flatly. _

"_Oh?" I raised an eyebrow. "You want to argue some more, is that it?"_

"_I'm always up for a good fight." She grinned mischievously._

_I laughed, surprised that she'd played off me like that. I'd never met a woman who'd tease me this much. I liked it. "Can't say I've ever met a woman quite like you before. You're really something." I sounded more pleased that I'd hoped. She looked at me expectantly, forcing me to put the conversation back on track. "I just don't trust easily, for good reasons… which are my own." I lamented, thinking of Saul and what he'd done to Telos, to my life._

"_I can make you talk, Carth. Trust me." The mischievous glint in her eye persisted. I found myself laughing again._

"_Well I might be willing to take you up on that challenge. But uh, you're not going to let up are you?" I lowered my voice to hide the slight embarrassment. I wasn't embarrassed to be flirting with her… why was I embarrassed? I'd flirted a thousand times before, and here I was, acting like a damn idiot. She was good at teasing me, at backing me into a corner and making me flirt my way out. Morgana never let me tease her. _Why am I comparing them? _I hoped she'd say something, but she only shook her head, keeping the expectant look on her face. "Fine… you want to know why I don't trust anyone? Here goes." I gave her the abridged version of Revan, Malak, and Saul turning on us. She was sympathetic. I finished with a resigned, rhetorical question I'd asked myself a thousand times, "If you can't trust the best of the Jedi, who can you trust?"_

"_I guess you can't." She said pensively, then looked me in the eye with sympathy. "That must have been really hard to take." Her reply caught me off guard. She wasn't teasing me, she was… she cared. It was refreshing and wonderful, but it scared me a bit._

I tried to fill the too-familiar emptiness in my life, but again, nothing worked. This time seemed worse, though. She had just healed the old wound, only to make another. I still couldn't blame her or hate her. She'd never do anything to hurt me intentionally. I pushed a few buttons on my transmitter.

"Carth, I've told you that I can't contact you." Her voice lamented. "I'm coming back, I promise. I couldn't just … leave without reason. I'm here because I have to be. As soon as I'm done, I'll be back. I love you." Static. I'd heard the transmission a thousand times. She had three slightly different ones. _She knew I'd watch them repeatedly and she wanted to give me variety. _I smiled. It had been a year or so since she left, and I'd found most of the messages I figured she'd left – one for our anniversary, one for my birthday, and ones for everyone else's birthdays on their comlinks. I'd never get tired of hearing her teasing others, even if it was from a different sector and recorded before she left. Whenever one of her transmissions was unlocked, the mood lightened for awhile, but it wasn't enough to cement the cracks that were forming in the crew. Mission and Griff were at each others' throats again and no one was trying to stop them anymore. Their arguing was interrupted by an incoming transmission.

"Good day," Master Vrook's voice said. "Your assignment has been updated, Admiral. Dantooine will be restored at a later date. You are to be released from your task in one standard week."

"Thank you, Master Vrook." I replied. I wanted to ask him about Ciara, but he wouldn't know anything. No one knew anything. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I turned off the comlink and turned to the small group that had gathered in the room.

"All right, we've got one week left." I began. A speech seemed appropriate. "And we should stick together as much as we can. We were able to overcome our differences before." I sounded like an idiot. Mission giggled. "Oh, come on, you know what I mean. I just can't say it right."

"I know," she smiled. "It's just really easy to irritate you."

"I wonder who gave you that idea." I muttered, sounding irritated.

"_We didn't end our last discussion very well…" Ciara turned to me, exhausted and sweaty from fighting hoards of Mandalorians in the Lower Shadowlands. I couldn't tell if her tone was playful or not, but I suspected it was. She seemed like she was trying to take things lightly, but she also seemed a little sad. I knew asking how she was wouldn't get me anywhere. She was more concerned about what everyone else was going through._

"_I, ahh… I'm not very good at this. I… I know I owe you an apology." I stammered, suddenly nervous. I had no idea how she'd react. She raised her eyebrows at me, and I added, "Uh, more than one, probably."_

_She smiled. "It's okay, I was just wondering why you got so upset."_

"_I was just so desperate to finally face Saul directly in the battle over Taris, and now the Jedi have us looking for these… these Star Maps. I know this mission is important, it's just… I feel a bit useless. I can fight, sure, but I'm no Jedi… all this feels completely out of my league."_

"_Maybe if you pull yourself together, you won't feel so useless." She raised an eyebrow._

"_You don't exactly pull any punches, do you? Not that I don't deserve it." She gave me a firm look that told me not to beat up on myself. I looked away._

"_Why don't you return to the front lines then?" She asked. It wasn't a suggestion; she didn't want to get rid of me. She really wanted to know._

"_Because this is more important. This may really, finally, make a difference… I suppose even if I can't figure out everything that's going on; I still want to help if I can. I just hate not knowing what's going on and feeling helpless. But I shouldn't have taken that out on you. I've been a royal pain in the backside, haven't I?"_

"_You sure have." She smiled._

"_I guess I should be at least a little pleased that I haven't lost my touch." I laughed slightly nervously._

"_Don't worry about it, Carth." She was serious again. It was odd how fast she could switch between teasing and serious._

"_No, I do worry about it. I've traveled the lanes more than once, I should know better than this. So… I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology?" I looked up at her._

"_I don't know. Maybe you should work for it a bit." Her lips twitched into a mischievous smile._

"_Oh? I don't know if I like the sound of that…" I laughed. It was a relief to laugh with her again, but I didn't think I was off the hook yet._

"_Don't you want me to accept your apology?" She asked innocently._

"_I don't know. What am I going to have to do for it?"_

"_Just a little kiss. How about it?" She tilted her head to the side. I felt frozen. I'd never thought of her like—okay, maybe I had, but… we were on a mission here, and… I almost wanted to, but Jolee was there and… what if something happened… we'd only known each other… why now?_

"_I… heh." I laughed nervously. "I really think that we should, ah… get going." I muttered, looking at my boots. _

"_I was only joking, Carth, relax." She smiled. I thought I imagined a look of disappointment cross her eyes._

"_I'm sorry… I'm glad things are better between us now. We should… we should go." _

It was easy now to look back and kick myself for things I hadn't done, like kissed her on Kashyyyk. I often wondered what it would have been like, but figured it was all for the best or something. I tried to keep myself from moping too much. I didn't want it to weigh me down. After we were released, we traveled to Kashyyyk to reunite Zaalbar with his father. Mission was slowly assuming Ciara's old role as the witty leader. She did a good job at it, too. On Kashyyyk's dock, Canderous pulled me aside.

"Bastila, Shan, and I are going to go to Dxun." He said simply. "I have to reunite the Mandalorian clans."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "You guys are free to do whatever you want."

"I figured you might want to contact us sometime." Canderous laughed. "Besides, if Bastila senses Ciara needs help, we can go help her. And if that ever happens, I plan on having a damn huge army of Mandalorians to back me up."

"Am I not invited?" I laughed a little.

"You're leading the charge, you Republic idiot." Canderous grinned. "Nothing would convince you to do anything else. Take care." He thumped me on the back.

"You too." I returned the pat on the back, hugged Bastila, and waved goodbye to Shan, who replied in kind. We watched as they vanished on the dock with their things, ready to start their new lives.

"So, our fearless leader, where should we go next?" I asked Mission, trying to be cheerful.

"You're in charge, Admiral." She retorted.

"You know where I'd take us." I replied seriously.

"And you know what she'd do if you did." Mission looked at me sternly. She was barely taller than Ciara, but could corner me just as well.

_I never thought someone half my size would be able to corner me and hold me in one place like she could. I'd been on the ship most of the time she was on Tatooine, but she'd brought me along to deal with some of the loose ends. That's what she said, anyway. She cornered me the instant we were alone._

"_You've been watching me very closely as of late. Why is that?"_

"_Oh. I hadn't thought you'd noticed…" I tried not to blush. She wasn't accusing me of anything… yet._

"_Do you think I'm blind?" She laughed. "If you were any more obvious, your eyes would fall out of your head."_

"_Err…" I blushed. "I'm not that bad, am I?"_

"_Not bad for a monkey-lizard, no." She winked. "Not bad at all."_

"_Damn it, woman, if you keep hounding me I'm going to put you over my knee and teach you a lesson!" I cried. She knew exactly how to get me a little irritated, but not lose my temper. Her manner was growing on me. I supposed I'd always enjoyed her company, but I liked the way she teased me more and more._

"_Is that a promise?" She asked playfully. I thought back to her asking for a kiss on Kashyyyk._

"_Oh no, I'm not even going there, sister." I replied quickly. I wasn't sure I could deal with this, not until I had my revenge with Saul. Revenge would give me the closure I needed._

"_You love the attention, admit it." She grinned._

"_I could get the same kind of attention from a blaster rifle." I retorted._

"_Trust me, I could do things to you that a blaster rifle couldn't." She winked._

"_You've got my head on backwards, dammit!" I cried after stuttering desperately. "At any rate, I wasn't ogling you. I've just been admiring you."_

"_Which is a nicer way of saying the same thing…" She smiled. "It's alright. I don't mind if you watch me."_

"_Well why didn't you tell me that sooner? You would have saved me a lot of trouble." I laughed. "I've been watching you in action. Your skills… you have a natural talent that is incredible." I thought I saw her blush. She'd always been so confident about things. _

_When Juhani described the Jedi as being god-like, Ciara had said, "Damn right, I DO look divine." Was this the same small woman blushing when I told her she had a natural talent?_

"_Not that, ah, all I do is watch you or anything. I don't mean anything by it." I added quickly._

"_Oh?" She lifted an eyebrow. "Any other observations?" Now this was the woman I was used to._

"_Maybe a few." I admitted, grinning. "I hope you won't mind if I keep those to myself." Before she could answer, I added, "I will say one thing, however. We've come a long way with your help. Whether it's the Force or fate or just dumb luck… I'm glad you're here. We probably would have never made it this far without you. I… should have said this long before, instead of doubting you. I, ah, hope you can forgive me." _

"_That was rather like pulling teeth." She smiled sweetly. "You already apologized once, Carth." Her eyes looked more serious._

"_And you accepted it… but that doesn't mean I'm forgiven. I'd like to be." I felt like I was pleading more than I should. I looked her right in the eye, noticing how red her hair was from the sand in it. Her skin was bronzed for the same reason. Her robes were covered in sand, but she didn't seem to mind being that dirty. I was glad I'd stayed aboard the Hawk. I'm not afraid of getting dirty, but I'm not keen on sand in weird places. I wanted to touch her face, as if to tell her what I'd been thinking about. We'd retrieved four Star Maps, and I finally felt like I would have a future. I knew she'd help me defeat Saul when I got the chance and keep me from dying there, and I wanted to thank her. I almost wanted to admit that I wanted to give her that kiss on Kashyyyk, that I admired her courage and forthrightness most of all._

"_Why do you need my forgiveness, anyway?" She asked. I smiled._

"_Because you're an impressive and beautiful woman. In some ways… good ways… you remind me of my wife and I'd like to make things right between us." I explained. It was the best I could do to express that I felt like I was falling for her without saying too much. She looked puzzled._

"_You think I'm beautiful?" Her voice was small and serious. The adorable insecurity returned. _

"_I'll take that as a yes." I laughed. "I'm glad that's settled. Shall we… shall we get back to reuniting Bastila and her mother?" I hoped that focusing her on what we had to do would keep her from asking about the "beautiful" comment while I thought of a good answer. _

_When I'd thought of a good answer, it was no time for declarations. We were being pulled in to the Leviathan. I was going to tell her everything. As much as I was figuring out how I'd get my revenge on Saul while we were in the tractor beam, I knew she'd help me. I knew I'd live past it if she were there. And then, right before he died, Saul told me._

"_Your friend, the Jedi… She's Revan." Saul coughed. "You didn't know, did you?" He laughed._

_Killing him wouldn't ease the pain. He died right there in front of me. I turned around, furious._

"_You knew!" I cried to Bastila. Revan looked puzzled. I couldn't bring myself to look at her for long. When Malak told her, I couldn't help but glance at her face, expecting to see the calm expression she usually wore but fearing an expression of evil and power._

_She was trying to retain her composure, but she looked rigid and fragile. She was standing up straight (a habit she'd probably developed to look others in the eye), but it was more forced than usual. Her face – her face was horrified. I could see the whites of her eyes all around her irises. Her mouth was agape. Her chin trembled and she bit her lip, slowly bringing her shaking hands up to her mouth._

"_No," she whispered. "I can't be…" She closed her eyes slowly. Her eyes darted behind her eyelids. I couldn't stop watching her. When her eyes opened again, tears were welled up in them. She calmly asked Bastila questions, ignoring Malak's attempts to egg her on. "I understand, Bastila. You did what you had to do." She said at last. She was trying so hard to sound convinced, but I could tell that she felt broken. I tried to be angry with her on the Hawk, but it didn't work. She was distraught, but tried so hard to maintain her composure._

_I wasn't surprised when she lost it on the Rakata planet. I was only surprised she'd lasted that long._

"_I need time to think." She said, more demanding than normal as she snatched a towel and some clean clothes. "I need to come to terms."_

"_I've forgiven you!" I pleaded, running after her. _

"_I haven't forgiven me." She replied. "I need to do that before we go."_

"_You can't go swimming!" I exclaimed. "You don't know what's out there!"_

"_I need to clear my mind." She ran off before I could argue._

_I sat down on the floor. Damn, she was stubborn. "Hey, the stabilizers are working again." Mission called. "You should go tell Ciara."_

"_What makes you think I know where she is?" I sighed, standing up._

"_You know better than the rest of us." Mission smiled. I took a towel and ran out on the beach, following the trail of small footprints until they went into the water. I saw her floating on her back a little ways out. I tried calling to her, but she wasn't answering. I had no choice. I stripped down to my underwear and went in after her. I swam determinedly, hoping she wasn't dead. When I got close, she moved so quickly I could have blinked and missed it. She looked at me angrily. I had startled her._

"_If it's so dangerous, what are you doing out here?" She frowned at me, treading water._

"_I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me." I moved up beside her. _

"_I'm not mad, I'm just capable of doing things on my own." She pushed a button. It was the gizmo from Manaan that had left trails of dead sharks. I smiled._

"_You're smarter than I give you credit for. Now get out of there. We need you on the Hawk. We're ready to go." I swam back to shore after her._

"CARTH!" Mission practically yelled in my ear. I jolted, sitting up on the sofa I'd been lounging on. "I swear, you spend too much time spacing out."

"I'm not… what?" I asked, still thinking about the way firaxa kind of looked like stars when they were belly-up. Mission hit me soundly on the head.

"If you'd been LISTENING, you'd have known that we found something."

"Mmm-hmm." I nodded absent-mindedly.

"Do you even know what PLANET we're on?" Mission sighed.

"Telos." I replied quickly. "I'm not that out of it. I'm just… it's been so long."

"And that's why you should listen." Mission leaned down and looked me straight in the eye. "I think I found something that might interest you." I sighed. "No, really. I think I found her."

* * *

**(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people rule!**

a.n. : Since the time warp of five years was a bit much, I decided to do a couple of interlude chapters. I hope you enjoyed the narrator shift... I apologize for taking so long in updating, but I don't want to constantly re-post things like I have been... so hopefully this is final.


	23. Nightmares

**23. Nightmares**

"You did what?" I demanded, leaping to my feet. "Where is she? Is she alive? Is she all right?"

"Okay, okay, calm down." Mission tried reassuring me, but she knew that I wasn't one for talk, so she started running to her computer. "See this signature? It's a datapad I fiddled with on the Hawk once when I was bored. I was looking through the files I had stashed on this thing, hoping I could clear up some space, and I found this." She hit a button and a very legal-looking document appeared:

I, CIARA REVAN ORION ONASI, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, do hereby make and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament, revoking all prior Wills and Codicils.

"Creepy, isn't it?" Mission turned to me. "But she covered pretty much everything. If you look through the legal mumbo-jumbo…" she scrolled around, searching. I caught a few words about leaving her stuff to me and her credits to Dustil and Mission, but the fact that she'd written a will was jarring enough that I wasn't paying too much attention. _What the hell is a codicil? How did she find that word?_ "Here's a part I think you'll find interesting: 'Should I be expected to die for any reason, I wish to be transported immediately to Citadel Station on Telos to be with my husband. If this is not possible due to an emergency situation, I request that my remains be transported to him and my will executed immediately.'"

"So...?" I asked.

"Didn't she promise you she'd come back?" Mission smiled. "It's in her will. She's LEGALLY coming back."

"I don't want her to come back like that." I looked at the computer. "You said you found _her_ though, not her will."

"Right," Mission went back to the console. "I stumbled upon her will while I was looking through the files. Out of curiosity, I checked the last time the document was updated. Look at this." She pointed at the timestamp.

"That's—" I began.

"Only a few days ago." Mission looked at me. "Which means that datapad is with her or it was within the week."

"Where is she? Can you track where it is?" I asked, getting antsy.

"I can't." Mission sighed. "But I'm not done. I searched for some other stuff, and I found the Hawk. She doesn't have it anymore."

"How do you know?"

"It's on Nar Shadaa." Mission replied.

"She is attracted to trash planets." I smiled. "So how did you find her?"

"Well, she's not on the Hawk, so out of blind curiosity I tried tracking the signature on her comlink." She pulled up a screen that showed a crude map of the galaxy. I instantly found Telos. A speck across the screen flickered. Mission pointed at it. "That's where her comlink is. I've got a gut feeling that it's in her pocket."

"It's not on the Hawk," I mused. "Can you get any more specific on where she is?"

"Nope." Mission said sadly. "She's in virtually uncharted space."

"Now what do we do?" I asked.

"It's up to you, Admiral. I'll keep an eye on her." Mission saluted. I rolled my eyes.

"Cut it out, kid." I went to bed. That night, I dreamt for the first time since she left. It had been three years.

_I looked up at the sky to see an all-too familiar sight: Sith troops attacking my home world. I fought the initial wave of panic and tried to be rational. I had to find them – my wife and son. "Have you seen Dustil?" I asked my friend Jordo as he ran by._

"_No." Jordo replied quickly. "You'd better get out of here, Onasi."_

"_I can't!" I called. "Not until I find them!" I ran up to my small house and threw open the door. No one was home. "Dustil!" I screamed until I was hoarse. I got a horrible sinking feeling in my gut. I turned around and went outside. A crumpled figure lay lifeless just outside the door. A lock of brown hair was just visible. "It can't be…" I whispered, falling to my knees. I pulled her body up against mine, rocking the small figure in my arms. "No," I repeated over and over again. "Medic!" I yelled as loudly as I could. "I can't just let you die."_

"_You… you have to." A small voice croaked. I pulled a hood back from her face._

"_No, Ciara, NO!" I cried._

I awoke in a cold sweat, panicked. I was used to the empty bed, but I never realized how much her presence reassured me. She was essential to this new man I'd become. Hell, she was the reason for it. _If she hadn't left, she'd make me feel better. She'd listen to me and…_ thinking about what she would do was only making it worse. I wondered if the dream had any significance, and I felt like I needed to talk to someone, so I rushed to the Ordos' apartment and pounded on the door. I knew asking the blinking speck would only give me one of Ciara's three canned lectures. She didn't leave me one along the lines of, "It was a dream. I'm alive and coming home. Go back to bed." This was a conversation I had to have with a person, face-to-face. Bastila would have to do.

"Do you know what time it is?" Canderous asked groggily.

"I don't care. I need to talk to Bastila." I insisted. "It's about Ciara."

"She's back?" Canderous asked.

"No," I sighed. "I had a dream. I need to talk to Bastila." I repeated. Bastila appeared at the door, as if on cue. I'd never seen her disheveled before, but I'd never woken her up in the wee hours of the morning either.

"What is it, Carth?" She asked, motioning me in. Canderous wandered back to bed.

"I had a dream… that I was on Telos when it was being attacked, only this time," I paused, searching for the words. "This time it was Ciara that I held while she died."

"I'm sorry." Bastila said sleepily.

"That's it?" I demanded. "That's all you'll say?"

"What did you want me to say?"

"Is she all right? Is this a vision, or… or… can you tell me if she's okay?" I blurted.

"She's alive, as far as I can tell." Bastila replied after a moment of reflection. "I'm sure you'd be able to feel it if she were gone."

"But this is the closest I've felt to that… that emptiness." I argued.

"Yes," Bastila mused. "I can feel her through the Force, but she's faint."

"Is she dying?" I asked. I wasn't feeling rational.

"No, but she's in a… a horribly cold place. She's very far away, but alive." Bastila shuddered and lost the distant look she got when trying to contact Ciara. "Try to find her through the Force."

"I can't." I insisted. "I've tried." Bastila shook her head.

"Carth," She looked me in the eye boldly. "You may not believe it, but you have a bond with her that is greater than the one she and I shared when I saved her life. If you concentrate, you can feel her through the Force." I was confused. I'd never been Force sensitive. _But you know what she's talking about. You've felt it. _"It's because it's her." She clarified. "Now concentrate." I closed my eyes. The nightmare clouded my thoughts. I cried out for her mentally. It was fruitless. I was alone in what felt like vast cold emptiness. I felt a twinge of fear. _She's here somewhere. _I thought I saw something move, so I focused on it. It was a faint strand of white. It was behaving like smoke, but it wasn't. I tried to move toward it, but I felt frozen in place. It was obviously fruitless. I opened my eyes, frustrated.

"I can't do this." I stood up and headed to the door.

"You just did." Bastila replied. "She's a different case from most people; she doesn't want to be contacted." I left abruptly without saying goodbye.

"Then why does she carry her com?" I said aloud while walking back to my apartment. I went to the console and brought up the screen that was tracking her. I couldn't find the blinking dot. _She's gone. _I hit the console desperately. I was losing it. An incoming transmission interrupted my quiet coaxing to get the dot to come back.

"Admiral Onasi, Citadel Station is under attack!"

"What?" I asked quietly.

"The Sith are attacking Telos." _Was I awake? I bit my lip hard and winced at the pain. I was definitely not dreaming this time._ "The TSF is holding them off, but we might need your help."

"Send a squad of fighters out to fend off their fleet." I said calmly. "I'll get to headquarters as soon as I can." _If I don't focus on saving Telos, I'll never see her again._ I ran to Fleet headquarters and took my mostly decorative admiral pose.

"The invasion's been overwhelmed by a Jedi, Admiral." An officer reported. "She's the same Jedi that was involved in the destruction of Peragus."

"Is her ship docked on the Station?" I asked, remembering that she'd flown the Ebon Hawk.

"Yes, sir."

"Tell her I'd like to meet with her." I looked out the window at the Telosian fleet taking the Sith out.

_I knew you could do it, Carth._

I whirled around, startled. I swore I'd just heard Ciara, but she was still gone. I shook my head. _I was imagining it. I knew she'd be proud of me, so I remembered her saying that. _But it sounded so real…

The door opened and the familiar sound of Jedi boots was behind me. I didn't turn around.

"You requested an audience with me, Admiral?" A female voice asked.

"Yes, General. I had to ask about your ship." I replied, unable to face the woman. There was only one female Jedi I wanted to meet with and looking at this one would only solidify her absence.

"The Ebon Hawk?"

"She was Revan's ship." I said quietly. "You came to Telos with her ship, her droids, and without her." I turned to her.

"You… knew her?" The woman was taller than Revan, which wasn't saying much.

"I served with her in the Jedi Civil War." I began. "We were aboard the Endar Spire when it was attacked. We escaped Taris before the Sith demolished it, saving Bastila from some swoop gangs. The Jedi Council 'trained' Revan again, and sent the lot of us in search of these Star Maps that would lead us to the Star Forge, where we defeated Malak." I explained briefly. "After a little while back in the real world, she left. She just up and left one day for the unknown regions, leaving us – me – to deal with it. It hasn't been easy. She said she couldn't take anyone she loved. There's just this… this emptiness where she used to be."

"Could she be dead?" The woman ventured.

"No." I insisted. "I'd know if she were… she's not dead." I took a moment to regain my composure. I hated thinking about the possibility that Ciara was dead, because I really wasn't convinced of my own words. The Jedi picked up on it too. "Are you going out there… to the unknown regions?" I asked softly.

"I intend to." Her tone was businesslike. _What did you expect, she's a general._ "Do you want me to tell you what I find?"

"No." I replied shortly. "If… if you see Revan, tell her that Carth Onasi is waiting for her." I turned around again to say goodbye. The general saluted.

"Thanks, Admiral." She smiled.

"Thank you, General." I returned the salute. When the door closed behind her, I practically collapsed in my desk chair. I pulled the datapad out of a drawer and looked at her picture again. _You'd better get yourself back here soon, gorgeous._ I took a deep breath to quell the flood of emotions. I stuffed the datapad in my pocket and marched out of my door. "I'm taking the rest of the day off." I told the receptionist, not bothering with a salute or anything. _May as well live up to my reputation as moody._

"The speck's still gone." Mission said before I could ask. "Do you think she's…"

"NO!" I cried. "I'd know if she were dead." I hated this conversation, and I'd only had it twice.

"Calm down, sonny." Jolee walked up to me.

"Where did you come from?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter. You need to sit down and eat something." He practically shoved me onto a sofa. "You're going to kill yourself by wasting away waiting for her."

Jolee and Mission forced me to ingest half Jolee's harvest of salad greens, not to mention meat and fruits. I felt like an oversaturated Hutt that had eaten an overstuffed Wookiee.

"How do you feel now?" Jolee asked.

"Like I ate a herd of banthas." I moaned.

"See? You can think about her without starving yourself." Jolee chuckled. "She always loved comparing things to banthas… Now get some rest." Before I could argue, Jolee stuck me with a needle and everything went black.

_I regained my vision slowly. It was a very bright day, and I felt anxious. I could smell the ocean. I was on the Rakatan world, standing outside the Hawk with Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, and the droids. Two familiar figures came around a rock outcropping. I recognized them immediately and smiled with joy. "Bastila! You're alive! I was worried about you. For a minute there I was sure we'd never see you again once Malak got his…" Something wasn't right. "Wait a minute. Where are Juhani and Jolee? Are they okay? What happened inside that temple?" _

"_I went over to the dark side, Carth. That's what happened." A steely cold voice replied._

"_What… what are you talking about?" I stammered. I looked at Ciara in disbelief. This couldn't be happening._

"_The Jedi Council has failed, Carth – Darth Revan has been reborn! Together we will destroy Malak and seize control of his fleet, then use it to crush the Republic!" Bastila cried savagely. "Juhani and Jolee would not swear loyalty to the new ruler of the Sith. They died for their foolishness. Now swear loyalty to Darth Revan, or face your own death!"_

"_No, you can't mean that! This… this isn't you!" I was frantic. This had to be a sick joke. "You're not Revan, I know it!"_

"_Does it matter who I am?" She asked in her usual saucy tone. "I have joined the dark side." Hearing her use her normal voice to say Revan's words was chilling. _

"_You've got to resist it! This isn't you talking… we…" I looked around at the others. "We can help you, we can find a way—"_

_Bastila clicked her tongue mockingly. "My, my. I think the sad fool may actually be in love with you, Revan."_

"_How sad." Revan said flatly. "I guess we don't have a future, do we?" She laughed coldly. "Don't resist me, Carth, or I'll be forced to destroy you." I couldn't believe that there would have been a time that I would have yearned to hear those words, only with her body pressed against mine rather than that tone which made me feel like she had a vibroblade held to my throat. I tried to slap her across the face, hoping to knock sense into her, but I had no control over my movements. I was trapped in this alternate reality; I could only watch. It was torture. I couldn't look away or plug my ears. _

"_Wait, Lord Revan." Bastila held up her hand. "Carth speaks only for himself – he does not speak for the others. He may find he stands alone here! The droids will continue to serve you, Revan – they are programmed to obey their master. And there may be others who will choose to join us. The Republic is doomed, Revan has returned!" She proclaimed joyfully. "Who will now swear loyalty to the second coming of the Dark Lord?"_

"_You're Revan and I'll follow you anywhere." Canderous grinned. "It doesn't matter who you're fighting against. I'll be at your side. Mandalorians don't have any great love for the Republic anyway. Light side, dark side – it doesn't make any difference to me, Revan. I'll stick by you no matter what comes." He was such a kiss-ass. It figured that the horny … _I can't be angry. I have to save her!

"_I saw what the Sith did to Taris – anyone who serves the dark side is evil!" Mission cried. "Big Z and I are with Carth on this one!"_

"_No, Mission." Zaalbar interrupted. "I am bound by the oath of my life-debt. I… I must stand with Revan."_

"_Zaalbar – Revan's a Sith! Just like Malak! It's not a betrayal if you break your life-debt now!" Mission argued._

"_If I go back on my vow I am betraying myself, my people, and my ancestors. I cannot do that. Please, Mission – join us." Zaalbar was very conflicted. I realized that I could understand him, even though I didn't speak Wookiee, but it didn't make the scene any less horrifying._

"_No, Zaalbar. I don't care! I won't help the Sith against the Republic! Not for anything! Not even for you!" Mission cried._

"_I see now it was a mistake to let you go into that temple. I of all people should have seen this coming. First Saul Karath, and now you… I mean, I should be an expert on betrayal by now! Nothing you can say or do can make me betray the Republic. I won't join you, and I won't just stand aside and let you become ruler of the Sith again, Revan!" I spat._

"_Then I guess it's time for you to die." Revan said icily. I longed for her to kill me there to stop the pain of yet another betrayal, but I wanted to live, to help the Republic…_

"_I… I'll find a way to save you, I swear! I won't give up on you… no matter what!" I proclaimed. I saw an evil glint in her eye and could only fear what it meant. I didn't care what happened to me, but Mission was just a kid. She had to make it somehow. "Run for it, Mission!" I cried. Mission didn't move. _

"_No – this isn't happening! It can't be happening!" Mission wailed._

"_You should have run when you had the chance, Mission." Revan's steel voice sliced through the humid air._

"_No! I'm not going to just stand aside and do nothing! You'll… you'll just have to kill me, but I don't think you will. I don't believe you've gone over to the dark side, not totally. I don't think you'll kill me, not if I don't attack you first." I wanted to cry out to Mission, to warn her that this was Revan she was dealing with, but I was trapped and unable to control what I said or did._

"_I won't kill you," A hint of Ciara's warm compassion leaked through. "But Zaalbar will, if I tell him to."_

"_I have sworn a life-debt to you, Revan. I will serve you as long as I draw breath. I will not break my vow, but you cannot ask me to turn on my best friend." Zaalbar pleaded._

"_Looks like you'll have to do your own dirty work, Revan – if you've got the guts!" Mission challenged. I tried pleading Mission to retract the challenge. I know Ciara would have gladly answered a challenge worded like that, but she wouldn't have killed Mission. Revan would. I knew it._

"_You swore a life-debt to me, Zaalbar! You'll do as I say!" Revan demanded._

"_I have no choice. The life-debt is greater than any single life, it is a solemn vow of all my people, I cannot break it, not even for you." Zaalbar lamented. "Forgive me, Mission."_

"_Zaalbar, what are you saying? Revan can't force you to do anything you don't want to!" Mission insisted, but the Wookiee was charging her. "It's me, Big Z – Mission!" Her tone grew more desperate._

"_Mission, forgive me!" Zaalbar yowled._

"_Please, Zaalbar, don't do this! Please, NO!" Mission screamed. Zaalbar swatted her across the face hard, breaking her neck. She collapsed on the beach, a small cloud of sand rising from where her body hit. I blacked out._

_I rehearsed what I was going to say to her on the small fighter on the way to the Star Forge. Blood beat in my head. I could feel when she killed Malak. I got my senses together and tried to keep my cool while I waited in the hangar._

"_Carth!" She cried. "How did you get here?" Was she back? My heart leapt._

"_It doesn't matter. You have to listen to me!" I pleaded._

"_I'm sorry, but it's too late." She looked… devastated. Her eyes glinted yellow and her bronze lightsaber's glow was the last thing I saw. _

"_It's never too –" I felt the burn from the blade on my face, making a diagonal cut through my eye. I felt another slash in my gut before I fell down, feeling the cold of death surrounding me. _

I thought I'd had nightmares before, but I almost had a heart attack after that one. I was surprised that I was still alive. I was gasping for air, as if a group of Dark Jedi all did their choke thing to me at the same time. I ran to the fresher and vomited for a good half an hour. When I finally felt halfway decent, I pulled on some grubby clothes and sipped some tea tentatively.

This was it, the last straw. _I'm going after you, Ciara. I don't give a damn what you told me; I promised I'd protect you. I'm not going to be useless anymore. I'm pulling myself together. You said there was room for me in your future, so scoot over._


	24. Call and Answer

**24. Call and Answer**

"Excuse me, Lady Jedi, but may I sit with you?" The brunette's presence put knots in my stomach. I nodded. Her eyes were kind. Her brown hair was pulled into a high ponytail. Her face was round and glowed. I couldn't help but smile. I had missed talking with people.

"You look familiar," I said quietly. No one had sought my company since I had forsaken my friends.

"I was a Jedi, like you." She replied. "I was exiled for following Revan in the Mandalorian Wars." I blinked slowly.

"What is your name?" I asked, trying to place her.

"Leia Omas." For a second, I thought she was going to say "Onasi." My stomach plunged to the ground. _I'm whipped. Dammit, Canderous was right._ I smiled at the thought of my long-lost friend. I quickly remembered where I'd heard her name.

"It's good to see you again, General." I smiled slowly. "I'm Revan – Ciara Onasi." Her eyes widened. I allowed myself to smile further.

"You look different." She said slowly, as though in awe. I wanted to tell her to forget any ideas of grandeur she had about me, but I didn't want to verify any suspicions that I was conceited by assuming she worshipped me.

"I'm not wearing that hideous mask." I grinned. She laughed. "The Council changed my looks as well as my identity to protect me. I decided I could protect myself, so I started calling myself Revan again. It made things less confusing when I was dealing with things out here."

"I was told to give you a message." Leia said hesitantly. "I thought I'd never find you." My lower lip quivered. My discipline was faltering. I tried to focus on my breathing, but I was dying to hear what she had to say. I'd become a bigger sap than I ever thought possible. I tried not to think about it, it only disgusted me.

_That's it, I'm coming after you._ It was clearer and louder than my own voice.

"Carth?" I whispered.

"Yes, the Admiral – Carth – he told me, in a roundabout way, that he loved you, but I didn't know you were married." She said softly, gazing at my increasingly tarnished silver ring that I was fidgeting with.

"No," I looked at the imaginary point I always somehow thought would explain what I was looking for. "I heard him." Leia looked at me like I was missing several galaxies in my star chart.

_I don't care what you told me, damn it, I promised to protect you! _He cried.

I clenched my teeth. "I promised Carth I'd come back and I will when I'm finished here." I emphasized those last words, as if Carth were in the room and could hear me if I thought them a little louder. I kept fidgeting with my wedding ring, something I had done when I was nervous or lonely ever since I'd left Taris. She stared at it, still in a slight state of disbelief. "And I have a very strong feeling he's chasing me."

"What?" Leia was concerned. "You left him – because you couldn't – "I nodded. As annoying as it could be, the Force was saving me from a conversation I didn't particularly want to have.

"And he's coming to get me." I sighed. "Dammit, I should've known he'd do this. Stubborn monkey-lizard." I muttered. "Now what?" I rested my head on my hands, letting the heels of my palms dig into my temples.

"You can… go." Leia offered weakly. Even though I didn't believe her, I felt that I could trust her. I felt a bond with her, having fought with her and known her so long ago. I could tell from her countenance that she was in the same emotional place I was. "I want to help you, Revan. I've seen Admiral Onasi suffering. You need to go back."

I shook my head. "I'm not sure that I've done all I can. I can't risk losing him. You know what it's like." I'd struck a chord. We were both simultaneously irritated and overjoyed to speak to Jedi who were too perceptive for their own good.

"Yes, I do. But he hasn't married me. Dammit, Revan, Admiral Onasi is risking his life coming out here looking for you. You need to find him and go home before something happens."

_It seems like swearing at you is the only way people get you to listen._ I wanted to kick my inner Carth for being such a stubborn adorable idiot who was always right about me.

Leia continued, "Besides, mine's a Jedi. He's not supposed to love me anyway." She urged, putting a hand on mine. "Please, Revan. Go to him, on Telos. Go somewhere quiet, like Alderaan or Ithor, somewhere without jagged rocks. You've done what you can, and you can't afford to lose your husband." She had given me permission to do the one thing I had longed to do since before I had left and I hadn't leapt at the opportunity. I didn't want someone else to endure what I had endured, but I yearned to return home.

"But what about you?" I sniffed. "Won't he come looking for you? You can't endanger…"

"Someone will come for me." She assured. "And maybe she won't have a man." I laughed a little and looked up at her. She was smiling slightly.

"Why did he do this?" I sighed, not expecting her to know what I meant.

"You know you'd chase him if he did this to you." She smiled slightly.

"He wouldn't make it out the front door." I smiled back.

"Send him a transmission. Meet him somewhere." Leia urged. "But before you go, I want to ask you about how you defeated Malak. Admiral Onasi gave me the basic story, but I've always been curious."

"I will try my best to answer what I can." I tried to recompose myself. I knew I had a bit of time to spend, and I'd missed people being interested in what I had to say. "It may do me some good to tell you what happened." We shared tales of our journeys and news of the areas we'd visited. We spoke for hours. I was delighted to hear that Canderous had become the new Mandalore, although Leia hadn't heard news of Bastila or Shan, their son. I marveled at the thought that Shan was no longer a baby.

"All right, time to give that man a piece of my mind." I stood up, finally convinced that I had earned my freedom by doing my time in hell. I felt so exhausted that I could hardly walk. "I will make sure you are freed." Before she could tell me it wasn't necessary, I added slyly, "Unless Atton gets to it first." I watched her blush. She had shown me a picture of her pilot, who actually smiled for pictures. We had compared notes, laughing and talking like normal women were supposed to do. Deep down, we were both frightened that we would be abandoned because we had turned our backs on those we loved in order to save them, but we had done what we could to ensure that it wouldn't happen.

I found an old pay transmitter and bought a half an hour of time. It wouldn't allow me to have a live conversation, but sending a message and having a few seconds' delay for the reply was better than nothing. I spoke quickly, making sure I was clear. Luckily, the transmitter was in a small booth away from the din of the cantina. I smiled and pushed the record button. "Carth, you'd better not be doing what I think you're doing. If you so much as cross into the Unknown Regions, I'll know. And believe me, you'll be sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life."

"There. That ought to do it." I sighed, pressing the send button. Almost instantly, "Incoming transmission…" flashed across the screen. I was glad I'd paid for time rather than messages. I hit the accept key.

"You think I'd just wait for you? Sorry, sister. I see you're frequenting cantinas. Did you get a night job? I think you'd better come home. I promise I'll pay better. By the way, I'd rather sleep on the couch than on the ground, which is where you'll be after I catch up to you." I laughed and hit "reply."

"You wouldn't make me sleep on the floor. All I have to do is bat my eyelashes at you and you're putty." I reminded him. A few seconds later, his reply came.

"I wouldn't have to make you – you'd eventually get so tired of picking yourself up after you fell that you'd just stay there."

"After four years, you're using the same line about me falling down?"

"Too bad you couldn't find a transmitter with holo capabilities, or I'd be saying the same thing to you about the orange jacket."

"That thing is going in the incinerator –" I started, but the "incoming" button flashed. I pushed it.

"So you're coming back?"

"Yes," I sighed, quickly tapping the send button before adding the rest of my reply. "You win. But I'm only giving in because I don't want you to get hurt out here. I'm glad someone else can use my arguing tactics."

"Are you sure they're all taken care of?" Carth warned. "Because you aren't leaving again once you come back." There was a pause. "I knew it would work against you if it worked for you."

"I've got people." I replied. "Where are you?" I asked after a moment.

"Telos."

"Wait, you're not –"

"No." He laughed. "I've been in the living room this entire time. Mission's here with me. We rigged a signature to look like a Republic ship coming after you."

"So you weren't –" I started. "You weren't going to 'rescue' me?" I hated being tricked, even by Carth.

"Don't change your mind or I swear I'll be over there in an instant." Carth warned. "I was – and am – going to rescue you. Mission made me try this first."

"You devious monkey-lizard!" I cried.

"Think of new insults on the way home." Carth's tone was lighter. There was a pregnant pause. "I missed you."

"Don't go soft on me." I smiled, trying to keep my voice from breaking. "I'm getting on the next shuttle to Telos and if you're crying, I'll pretend I don't know you. Be a dear and stay put." A small buzzer went off. My time was almost up. "I have to go now. I'll see you soon." I smiled, forgetting he couldn't see me. Before I could say anything else, the transmitter went dark. I felt the emptiness of the bluntly ended conversation. I heaved a heavy sigh. _It's not the time to be mushy. It's time to be a big girl and go home._

I slung my bag over my shoulders and pushed through to the docks. There were virtually no ships going to Telos, but I managed to coax my way onto a small cargo vessel that did a "charming" tour of the backwater parts of the galaxy. My patience waned quickly. I began to think I'd get to Telos faster if I walked. I was grateful that I was used to gathering odd looks from people, since I grew more and more desperate to entertain myself at docking stations. I ensured I wouldn't miss the ship leaving each planet, but only one held enough of my interest to threaten that.


	25. The Farm Girl from Deralia

**25. The Farm Girl from Deralia**

_Yet another backwater planet_. I sighed. Since the stations began to bore me, I decided to stroll around the plains for a while. I was on a world that smelled sweetly familiar, but I hadn't been paying attention to where we'd landed. I'd given up caring at least four planets ago. Memories flooded me, nearly knocking me over with their might. I was forced to realize that I had answered the call of home: I was on Deralia. I closed my eyes, succumbing to the barrage of memories.

_I fled from the house, screaming. I ran as far and as fast as I could, my short legs burning from the pain. I collapsed in the middle of a field. As soon as I regained my strength, I pounded on the door of the first house I could find. _

"_Please help me!" I screamed. The door opened and an old woman with large brown eyes regarded me. She said something, but I couldn't understand. A man appeared by her side. I was crying. "My parents are dead." I lamented over and over again, trying to get them to understand me by any means possible. They took me inside their house, trying to communicate with me. I listened intently to their speech and mimicked it. They looked at each other, surprised, and began to teach me words and phrases. It was difficult at first, but I longed to speak with them. I wanted them to know what had happened. I needed to know what would happen to me next._

"_My name is Revan." I ventured._

"_See how smart she is?" The man said to the woman. "I could not ask for a better daughter! Let's keep her with us. She is strong; she can help on the farm."_

"_She is a delight." The woman smiled. She liked watching me try to learn the language, because I would act while I spoke, mimicking the man. She turned to me. "What happened to your mama and papa?"_

"_Big men came into my house. I hid in a cupboard." I didn't know enough of their words to explain everything, so I relied on gestures and charades. "I saw them hurt mother and father."_

"_Did they see you?" The woman asked, concerned._

"_I was hiding." I repeated. "I was scared. The big men left and I ran away as fast as I could. Then I found you."_

_The couple spoke in low voices to each other. Finally, the man spoke to me slowly. "Would you like to stay here, with us?" I nodded gingerly._

"_Scared." I repeated softly. The woman put her arms around me._

"_You're safe here." I felt more at ease._

_They took care of me for nearly three years before deciding that they couldn't afford to be surrogate parents to me any longer. I grew up quickly, working hard in the fields, trying to earn my keep._

"_Revan," my new mother began, "Your Papa and I cannot care for you any longer. We are poor and cannot afford a child, as wonderful as you have been to us. You are a great help on the farm, but we cannot allow you to starve. We don't have enough food to feed all three of us, but we love you." I cried and hugged Mama. _

"_I can work harder!" I promised. "I'm getting big and strong! I'm almost seven." I boasted, making myself as big as I could. Mama smiled._

"_I know, my child. You are very big and strong. But you must understand. Papa and I cannot bear to care for you because you could have a better life. We have found a place that will take care of you better than Papa and I can."_

"_Must I go?" I asked, beginning to cry._

"_It's for the best," Mama tried smiling reassuringly._

"_Will I ever see you again?" I asked through tears._

"_I know you will." Mama was crying as well. "You are a strong young lady. You'll come back for us, I know it."_

"_Where am I going?"_

"_A faraway planet called Coruscant. It's very different. There are billions of people and aliens there. You'll like it." She smiled faintly. "You enjoy the company of others, something I'm afraid your Papa and I cannot give you, although we try." I wanted to argue, to tell her that she and Papa were the only people I needed, but instead I cried and clung to her all the way to the terminal. I hugged my new parents and waved as I boarded the large silver spaceship. I promised I'd find a job and send them money so they could afford to live well. They were the kindest people I could imagine._

_On the ship, there were all kinds of people. Some were the aliens my Mama had spoken of. I distracted myself by trying to speak to them. Each of them had a story. I loved hearing about distant worlds. Maybe it was a good thing that I was traveling. I made friends with Rodians, Duros, Twi'leks, and even a Wookiee in a cage gave in to my charm and explained to me how he was taken captive. I found it very easy to communicate with people. We landed on Coruscant too soon, in my opinion. I was enjoying my new friends and was beginning to long for adventure out in the galaxy in the worlds they spoke of. I started to understand all that was wonderful and evil in the galaxy, and I wanted to see it, to fix it._

_Right after we landed, I was taken to the Jedi Council. They agreed to take me in, especially since I was an orphaned refugee. I watched the Jedi students train and began to learn and mimic what they were doing. When a master caught me levitating objects by using the Force, he dragged me before the Council. I was slightly afraid, but I showed them what I could do when asked. It shocked the Council. I still picked up languages very quickly and knowledge even more so. When I had spare time, I would go into the city to listen to people talk and to learn what they were saying. I found I had a way with words, a way of putting things so that people would give me my way, thinking they would benefit. I was eager to learn everything I could to make a good life for myself and my surrogate parents. Soon, the Council admitted me to Jedi training. They told me I could learn languages and things because of the Force. I was upset. I wanted to be told that I was smart, not that something was working through me. I clung to my pride throughout the training._

_Some of the other students teased me because I was from a dirty backwater planet of farmers. They called me names and spoke ill of me in different languages, but I picked up on the ones I didn't know quickly. My oratory skills didn't help my situation very much with the cruel students. I tried telling the Masters what was happening, but they didn't believe me. I slowly became angry, despite my training. I endured the teasing by suppressing my anger at the other students. My Masters urged me to abandon my anger, but I couldn't. I boiled over when the bullies killed Ciara._

_Ciara was a beautiful blonde girl who seemed to glow with innocence. She was from Deralia, where I had come from, so I quickly befriended her. She was the only person with whom I could converse in my native tongue. I liked to imagine she was my sister. She and I soon became best friends. Try as I may, I could not protect her: the same bullies that teased me went after her. They were unable to make her angry, to their dismay, so they began using the Force to throw things at her. She didn't resist, instead maintaining serenity. I ran forward, grabbing a stick off the ground, charging the bullies. One of the older students noticed me and put me in stasis, so I could only watch as the torment grew more vicious. A small table hit her on the head, knocking her unconscious. I felt the fury of the students grow as they charged her, hitting her with their fists and feet. I could do nothing but watch as she fell to the ground, bloodied. When a Master came to see what the confusion was, it was too late. All the bullies were expelled from the Academy, but I felt that nothing could make up for the taking of such a pure, innocent life. I had nightmares reliving that afternoon. I longed to have another chance, to save her._

_I realized a few years later that Ciara's death had been my turning point. I had been slowly falling to the dark side, but Ciara's death sealed my fate. I became more ambitious and arrogant as I grew older, leading Malak into believing I loved him. He was impressionable and heard what he wanted to hear, but I never loved him; I loved power and revenge. I swore I would do anything necessary to protect innocents. The Mandalorian wars gave me my chance. I had seen pictures of Mandalorians and realized that they were the ones who had killed my parents. At the end, however, I was not satisfied. I killed Mandalore brutally and unnecessarily as a symbol to the Mandalorian people that they were defeated. Malak began to distance himself from me in fear; I was becoming a heartless killing machine. Although he tried to resist, he couldn't help but be drawn by my power, especially when we investigated the myth of the Star Forge and found it was real. I was blinded by power. I could no longer feel myself. I trusted in Malak's blind following. I enjoyed breaking Jedi. I was stagnant, but couldn't feel it. When Malak's ship fired on mine, I suddenly felt human again. I was no longer a vessel for power._

_The sound of my body crashing to the metal ground of my flagship haunted my tormented dreams on Dantooine. I was to be given a new identity, but the mind wipe hadn't been absolutely complete. My will was strong, and no mental block could hold me. They didn't know that it was already cracking when I named myself Ciara. This time, I was going to do things right. I was going to be that sweet girl that never had a chance to live. I was her second chance, and she was mine._

I stood for what seemed like days, smelling the sweet grasses of Deralia. I wept for my family. I went in search of records for my surrogate parents, but I had never learned their names. I gave a thousand credits to a couple that looked as though they were struggling. A burden lifted from my shoulders and I felt warmth from kindness once again. That act of kindness had sent a ripple to Mama and Papa, I was sure. They knew I had come through for them. I understood what I had ultimately come for: I had needed to return home and remember who I was in order to understand who I am. In the middle of my epiphany, I realized it was probably almost time to take off, so I rushed to the ship.

I meditated on the ship countless times, basking in my newfound relief. I felt serenity for the first time in years. I felt like I was repairing my wounded mind, installing my past into my understanding of myself. I was finally whole again. I was eager to see my friends. I couldn't wait to see Carth again now that I was complete. My happiness was interrupted just after the ship landed. I had planned on staying on board so I didn't have to worry about moving my stuff, like I had frequently during the past few weeks of travel.

"Excuse me, ma'am." A Twi'lek male stuck his head in the doorway. "You need to remove your belongings and your person from this ship immediately. You are to transfer to docking bay 242-B." He handed me a datapad with little more information on it. _We must be on Manaan if they're arresting me this quickly._ I stepped off the ship into an unfamiliar docking bay. I was instantly flanked by two guards, who escorted me somewhat forcefully through the corridors.

"What's happening?" I asked, but the guards were silent. I was practically thrown into the docking bay I was assigned, allowed to fall face-down onto my hands and knees, which took a beating from the drop. My bag of possessions slapped my side, adding injury to insult. I turned around in time to see the airlock door sealed. I wondered if it was an assassination plan. A tall figure appeared from the other side of the bay.

"If it isn't Revan." A deep voice said, somewhat happily. "I've waited for this encounter." I instinctively reached for my lightsaber, struggling to balance on my left hand. "Go ahead, get up. Your weapon will not be necessary." I rocked my weight back onto my feet. I felt my lightsaber fly out of my hand and onto the ground.

"Hey!" I cried. The figure stepped forward, allowing the light to illuminate his face. It was Dustil. I wasn't sure if he was evil or not, but I knew I wanted my lightsaber. He levitated it back into my hand.

"Don't look at me like that, Ciara." He laughed. "I'm not evil. You seem pretty shaken up."

"Your guards threw me on the ground." I looked at my knees, where my pants had torn, exposing my new wounds. "You're a… Jedi?"

"You didn't think to heal yourself?" He nodded, healing me with the Force.

"Well then this dark figure starts booming things about Revan. I thought I was dealing with assassins, not … you." I tried to stay wary.

Dustil laughed. "You're so paranoid."

"It's your father's fault." I retorted.

"Don't pick on him; he isn't here to defend himself." Dustil smiled. "It's not fair."

"He can't defend himself when he is here." I grinned back, hugging him. "It's good to see you again."

"Come on board, I'm headed straight for Citadel Station." Dustil smiled.

"Can I com him?" I asked quietly.

"No." Dustil smiled. "I gave him the arrival time and coordinates for the other vessel you were on. He doesn't know I'm in on this."

"Then how did you get in on it?"

"Mission." Dustil typed furiously. "Go… get in the fresher or something. Just hide!" I made sure I was out of sight while Dustil stood at attention. A hologram of Carth appeared.

"Dustil! How have you been?" Carth sounded delighted.

"Let's get down to business, Father." Dustil said flatly. "I found something that might interest you. I'll be on the station in a few hours. Meet me at this docking bay."

"What is it?" Carth asked, almost flatly. He looked horribly depressed. I realized I had hurt him more deeply than I'd thought. I hoped he would forgive me. "I guess I have time before I meet Ciara…"

"It's a surprise." Dustil laughed. "Lighten up, Dad, it's not explosives like last time." I stifled a guffaw. Carth laughed a little.

"All right. As long as it isn't combustible."

"I never said that." Dustil raised an eyebrow at Carth's slightly alarmed expression. "I'll see you soon, Dad."

"Take care, son." Carth smiled. The transmission ended.

"What does he mean, last time?" I demanded playfully.

"I brought him some slightly illegal fireworks." Dustil blushed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to land this thing. I'm sure he'll be waiting for us at the terminal. You're lucky I haven't visited for awhile, or I'd have to drag him out to meet me."

While he went back to the cockpit, I took a quick shower and sat in the quarters, meditating. I had to prepare myself. I had to have something witty to say. I had to make sure somehow that I wouldn't fall down, something I hadn't done very often when Carth wasn't watching. I made a note to blame my clumsiness on him. The ship landed. My heart began to pound. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had been too busy daydreaming to come up with a plan. I stayed onboard, crouched on the boarding ramp. I could barely make out what was happening in the docking bay. I caught a glimpse of gourd orange. _Will that jacket ever die? _I wondered, smiling. I was actually glad to see that monstrosity.

"Dustil!" Carth's voice cried. He sounded happy, but the sadness he'd carried with him throughout the quest for the Star Forge had returned. "I'm so glad to see you again." He held his son. "So, what have you brought me?"

"Oh, nothing." Dustil said coolly. I stood up, barely managing not to hit my head. I rushed down the boarding ramp.

"What am I, chopped liver?" I answered, stepping into view. I seriously thought Carth was going to faint. "It's nice to see you too, flyboy." He was speechless. I ran up to him. He caught me in a firm embrace.

"You're… early." He stammered. "You're grounded, young lady." He murmured into my hair. "You're never leaving again."

"Fine by me." I squeezed him tighter. "I've done all I needed to do."

"You're sure this time?" Carth looked at me quizzically. He looked concerned. I wished the joking tone would return to his voice.

"Absolutely. I hope that was a failed attempt at teasing me." I smiled crookedly.

"I haven't had practice in years." He returned the smile. "But there's something I should tell you. It's been so long, and …" his voice trailed off. I loosened my grip on him. "I guess you could say that there's another woman." I felt my facial muscles screwing into a position that I thought impossible: a mix of confusion, pain, disbelief, anger, sadness, and the reminiscent joy of seeing him again.

"What?" I managed.

"I… I brought her here so Dustil could meet her." He said sheepishly. I noticed a womanly figure that lurked in the doorway of the airlock.

"Dad, no." Dustil shook his head, as incredulous as I was.

"Don't say that until you meet her." Carth said firmly. He turned to the figure, which began walking toward us gracefully. A tall, beautiful young woman in a black sleeveless sundress appeared. Her skirt was a few inches above her knees. Her composure dropped when she saw me. Fear fell from my mind, replaced by joy.

"Ciara!" She screamed, running toward me.

"MISSION!" I shrieked, hugging my Twi'lek friend. I couldn't stop grinning. "You look amazing!"

"You look like you need work." She grinned, wiping tears from her cheeks. "Carth told you that you're not allowed to leave, right?"

"Right." I smiled, letting go of her. I had a million questions to ask her, but I was having a hard enough time reconciling this young woman with my teenage friend.

"Don't worry, Carth has been taking care of me. Big Z went back to Kashyyyk two years ago. The Wookiees are doing lots better. I stuck with Carth to keep him from getting too lonely." Mission assured. I turned back to him.

"How could you do this—" I began. He laughed.

"I had a few suspicions about what Dustil was up to when he wouldn't promise me that his cargo wasn't combustible. I had to have a counter-attack." He put his arms around me again. I rested my head on his shoulder. "Let's go home."

"Is there room for me?" I asked worriedly. He laughed slightly.

"I've kept a spot for you ever since you left. Hell, I kept your blanket. It stank up the whole apartment. I thought you might come back for it."

"He almost never washed it." Mission wrinkled up her nose. "He practically can't sleep without it." I smiled, looking up at Carth, whose flustered look told me Mission spoke the truth.

"Let's go have some dinner." Dustil offered Mission his arm. I kicked myself internally for never finding out what had happened with them.

"You didn't miss much." Carth whispered to me. "Dustil's been gone quite a while."

"He told me." I replied. Carth freed one arm from me and led me through Citadel Station. "What happened here?" I asked, looking at all the cleanup crews.

"Sith invasion." Carth said nonchalantly. "A Jedi helped us fend them off. I never got a chance to really thank her. She headed off toward the Outer Rim."

"She found me." I smiled. "She's the one who told me to go home."

"Damn, now I owe her twice as much." Carth smiled.


	26. Prodigal

**26. Prodigal**

On the way back to the apartment, Carth yanked me down a corridor so we weren't following Mission and Dustil anymore.

"Where are we going?" I whispered.

"You'll see." Carth smiled, tugging me into an office. He marched straight up to the receptionist. "I need to see Lieutenant Grenn immediately." He demanded. I was confused, but Carth gave me a look telling me not to say a word. His hand was not letting mine go. I knew he was capable of such strength, but he'd never held on to me like this before.

"Admiral Onasi, what brings you here?" A friendly older man asked kindly. "Your wife, I presume?" I smiled my old "Admiral Onasi's wife" smile, realizing how badly I'd missed it.

"Yes, Lieutenant." Carth beamed. "It's recently come to my attention that I should work harder at keeping her around. I'm resigning my commission immediately. Would you please report this to the Fleet headquarters?" It didn't sound like standard protocol, but Grenn was going along with it.

"Of course, Admiral. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Onasi." I swooned. I had to readjust to being married. _This is going to be fun_. I shot Carth a slightly suggestive look, but he was focused on Grenn. "I'm sure the Fleet won't be too thrilled that you're leaving, but I understand." He grinned. "Maybe you should get her a leash."

Carth laughed. "Thanks, Lieutenant, but I think I'll be able to manage without one." He saluted and dragged me back out of the office. It was refreshing to be the dragged for once. "Now you won't be able to get away so easily." He grinned, pulling me into a corner, advancing on me so I was forced to back into a wall. I bumped into it lightly and stopped before I hurt myself.

"You think you could stop me if I really wanted to go?" I grinned mischievously. Carth put his hands against the wall, trapping me against it. He leaned forward and kissed me. I had missed him so much. My feelings of loneliness washed over me and faded, replaced by the utter ecstasy of having him with me again. I put my arms around him, pulling him as close as I could, clinging on to him like I'd never see him again. Letting go was the last thing I wanted right then. I didn't care that Mission and Dustil would suspect that we'd run off to catch up with each other. I didn't care if they came to find us. I didn't care about anything, except that I was home and I'd stay there until the day I died. Carth seemed to feel the same way. We were interrupted, as usual.

"Admiral, you may want to return home before you become a spectacle." Lieutenant Grenn's voice came from behind us. I wanted to flip him off, but he was probably right. Carth pulled away from me, his eyes drunk with joy. My eyelids drooped, slowly blinking in a similarly intoxicated expression.

"Thanks, sir." He smiled. "I'm hungry anyway." He took my hand and led me down the corridor.

We strolled down to the apartment in silence, hand-in-hand. Citadel Station was only barely familiar. Carth opened the door to a large apartment that was far more luxurious than the one we'd stayed in years ago.

"You've moved up." I said quietly. Carth grinned.

"We're back!" He called. I didn't have time to wonder what was going on before Mission and Dustil came into view, followed by Jolee, Juhani, Canderous, Bastila, and a young boy I could only assume was Shan.

"Sith's blood! What do you think you were doing, running off like that?" Jolee exclaimed, running to hug me.

"Saving the galaxy." I sniffled. I had already begun weeping when Jolee hugged me. Carth put his hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

"And doing a damn good job of it too." Jolee smiled. "It's good to have you back. Have a hanky, crybaby." He handed me a handkerchief, which I snatched and wiped my eyes.

"Ciara!" Juhani was much happier than I remembered her. "It's so wonderful to see you again!" She hugged me. "I've been hard at work advancing my training."

"How is that?" I asked.

"I'm becoming a weapons master, a prestigious class focused on lightsaber combat." She beamed. "I'm still training apprentices in combat. I have found I love teaching." I grinned at her.

"Wonderful." I couldn't articulate how happy I was. She seemed so alive, so different from the way she was when we first met. "Thank you for accepting me back… after I left." I said softly.

"Are you kidding?" Mission all but shrieked. "What were we supposed to do, send you packing?" I laughed.

"I was hoping you wouldn't, but you never know…"

"I'm disappointed with you." Mission put her hands on her hips and shook her head at me. "You didn't believe we'd be here?"

"Sometimes I wondered." I confessed. "Did you ever wonder if I'd come back?"

"Yeah," Mission looked to the side, thinking a moment. "Why?"

"Then you doubted what I said." I smiled. "I promised I'd come back. So we're even." I stuck my hand out. Mission shook it in agreement. I pulled her in and hugged her.

"Oof," Mission breathed as her chest collided with mine. "Easy there. I haven't had Wookiee hugs, not since Z left a few years ago."

"What happened?" I asked, concerned.

"It's no biggie. He's chieftain now. He couldn't exactly do the life-debt thing with you running off like that." I sighed, disappointed. Mission rolled her eyes and smiled at me. "Kashyyyk's doing loads better now. We even ditched Griff there. I was losing patience with him and the Wookiees won't put up with his attitude for long. He'll learn." I laughed.

"You don't remember her, but she was there when you were born." Bastila crouched down and said to her son. He looked a lot like Canderous at first glance, but he had a fair share of his mother's features as well. She tousled his hair. "Go say hi to her. I promise she's nice."

"Is she your sister?" Shan asked.

"You could say that, yes." Bastila smiled.

"Hey there," I smiled at Shan, crouching down to look him in the eye.

"Hi." He stayed close to his mother. "Mom says you're a Jedi like her, but my dad says you're a warrior."

"I can do both." I smiled. "It depends on what kind of mood I'm in." Carth laughed. _Oh mushiness, I live for that laugh_.

"Will you show me how you fight?" Shan asked. Bastila raised an eyebrow, slightly alarmed. Canderous beamed.

"That's my son." He grinned.

"I will." I promised. "If you show me how you fight. We'll learn from each other. Deal?" I put my hand out. Shan's small hand shot out to meet mine. His grip was surprisingly strong for a kid his age.

"Deal." He grinned. "I won't kill you this time, but if you do anything to hurt my friends…" I tried not to chuckle. The kid was serious, and I hated not being taken seriously. I wanted to treat him with the same respect.

"Your friends and your parents are my friends too. If anyone hurts them, they'll have to answer to both of us." I explained. Shan was impressed.

"We'll snap their necks!" He proclaimed.

"Enough, Shan." Bastila pulled him away from me. He ran off to find someone more interesting. "I've let Canderous alone with him far too long." She and I stood up. "Are you all right?"

"I'm doing wonderfully." I smiled and hugged her. "It's great to see you again. You've got a fine son." I wiped my eyes again.

"Thank you." Bastila beamed, looking over at Shan who was pretending to gun-fight with Dustil.

"I told you your kids were runts, Onasi." Canderous remarked to Carth as Dustil 'died' melodramatically. "Four times his age and yours still falls to mine." He turned to me. "Do me a favor and never leave Republic alone again. It was awful. He cried more than a baby."

"Is that a command, Mandalore?" I asked smugly.

"Ah, so you heard about that. Yeah, it is." He chuckled. "We've been on Dxun gathering the clans. I helped out your Jedi friend, Leia."

"I'm glad to hear it." I smiled. "Mandalore." I added.

"Stop it." Canderous rolled his eyes. I was glad he wasn't in Mandalore's armor. That might have been a bit too much for me to bear. Besides, it was good to see his face again.

"You'll have to show me what you look like all dressed up." I smiled.

"Same as the last Mandalore." Canderous scoffed. "Let's stop wasting time and get to eating."

"It's almost ready." Jolee called from the kitchen.

"Did you do this?" I turned to Carth.

"I didn't have time." He smiled. "Dustil called for them." We watched Dustil playing with Shan. "The kid's going to be a good father when he gets around to it. I'm glad he isn't in a hurry, though." Carth smiled sentimentally. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.

"We've got a lot of catching up to do." I whispered. He blushed slightly. "Oh come on, no 'you're damn right, sister,'? I'm disappointed."

"I figured I should stop calling you sister… it's kind of creepy. Mission's got the title now." He smiled. The aroma of food was wonderful. I'd been living off comparative trash for far too long.

"All right, here it is." Jolee smiled. "Come and get it." Everyone rushed to the table, shuffling around to get seats next to the person they wanted. I sat between Carth and Mission. I noticed Dustil slyly took the seat on Mission's right side. I shared a side glance with Carth, telling me he'd noticed too. We both approved. The group ate in relative silence, only speaking to praise the food. Finally, Jolee broke the ice.

"Well, kiddo, the million-credit question is why'd you do it?"

I smiled and took a moment and a bite of food to gather my words. All eyes were on me as I chewed and swallowed. "I did it to protect you, all of you." I explained, glancing around the table to gather reactions. "I know, you don't think you needed me to do that, but it was the right thing. I was able to confront my past – all of it. I haven't been having as many nightmares as I did before. I remembered everything."

"How'd you remember after a mind-wipe?" Mission asked, intrigued.

"This will come as a surprise to you." I began.

"You got hit on the head." Canderous ventured. Carth nearly choked on his steak laughing. Bastila tried to remain taciturn, but smiled.

"No," I said, gazing sternly at Canderous. Shan looked confused. "I'm a little clumsy." I explained to him.

"By 'little,' she means 'extremely.'" Carth added. I elbowed him gently. He gave me the look he always did when he was teasing me. I glared at him affectionately.

"Get a room." Mission muttered playfully at me.

"So how did you remember again? I don't think I caught it." Juhani smiled.

"Right," I turned my head so I wasn't staring at Carth any longer. "It may come as a surprise to you, but I'm a bit stubborn." Carth almost choked again. "Don't eat while I'm talking, Carth. It's a risk to your health." I winked. "I'm stubborn enough to remember things I was supposed to forget."

"Did you remember anything horrible this time?" Bastila asked, concerned.

"I remembered seeing my parents killed, yes." I said quietly. "But other than that, most of what I remembered was fairly pleasant. I was adopted by an elderly couple for a while. They sent me to the Council when they could no longer afford me. I began my Jedi training on Coruscant." I summed up the rest of the story about Ciara, Malak, and the Star Forge. "Then I woke up on the Endar Spire, and you know the rest."

"That's quite the past." Juhani breathed deeply. "It must have been… difficult."

"Yes." I said softly, pushing some pasta around with my fork. "But I've come to terms with it, more or less. It's a relief to be me again. I don't need to hide any longer. Before I left the Outer Rim, I registered a name change." A look of confusion was on nearly everyone's face. "I'm still Ciara, don't get me wrong, but I added Revan as my middle name. I have to acknowledge who I am, but I'm not going to make you guys call me something new every day, not any more."

"That's a relief." Jolee wiped his brow mockingly. "Is that the end? That was such a boring story."

"Boring?" I exclaimed playfully. "Just because I didn't get sucked into a ship engine doesn't mean I'm boring!" I laughed. "I'm done talking about me." I looked at Carth expectantly. Bastila looked at him quizzically.

"What is it, Carth?" She asked.

"I gave the Fleet my immediate resignation today." Carth replied, somewhat unsure of how the others would take it. "I had to make good on a promise I made." He looked at me again, smiling. Mission heaved an exasperated sigh.

"I didn't miss this." She didn't sound entirely sincere.

"Hey, someone's got to do it." Canderous smiled. "And I'm not good at the innocent tone you do that makes it worth it."

"You're good at barking orders. It's pretty much the same." Mission smiled at him.

"I don't bark!" Canderous barked.

"I'm sorry, dear, but I have to agree with Mission on this one." Bastila giggled. Canderous tried to be angry with her, but couldn't.

"If you lay a finger on Mom I'll snap your neck!" Shan declared. I didn't think I could hold in my laughter much longer.

"That's my son." Bastila smiled gleefully at Canderous' shocked face. I laughed riotously and the others soon joined in. The group was finally convinced that I was all right. We were able to joke around and laugh like we had on Alderaan.

"I'd like to propose a toast." Juhani lifted her glass. "To us,"

"To our friends who aren't here," I added, lifting my glass, thinking of how glad I'd be to see Zaalbar as chieftain of the Wookiees.

"To the prodigal knight!" Jolee chuckled.

"Enough with the prodigal thing." I shook my head. "I'm starting to think it's my name." We all clinked glasses and drank. Carth lifted his glass again. He didn't get a single word out before we were interrupted.

"I know what you're about to do, and I won't let you." Canderous said firmly. "I'm not going to let your mushy speeches ruin a perfectly good meal. You're an idiot." He smiled.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Carth exaggerated a sigh and gazed at me. I batted my eyelashes at him, continuing the charade.

"To your room!" Mission ordered, pointing. Canderous laughed heartily. I downed the wine, feeling happier than I had in ages. "You think I was kidding?" She raised her eyebrows at me.

"I don't know where my room is." I apologized.

"I'm sure you can smell it from here." Carth teased.

"My senses are too confused by your jacket." I retorted.

"It's not hard: follow your nose, but make sure you keep your eyes open so you don't trip." Carth one-upped.

"Enough!" Mission laughed.

"Well, my aching bones need rest." Jolee stood and stretched. "Someone else gets to do the dishes. Goodnight, everyone. And when I wake up, all of you'd better be here." He pointed at me.

"I'm not going anywhere, old man." I smiled. "My adventuring days are over." Juhani went to bed with barely a word. Dinner had been late and we were all exhausted.

"Time for bed," Bastila told Shan merrily. Shan was reluctant, but followed his mother. "Your father will tell you a story – one that won't give you nightmares." She shot a glare at Canderous, who rolled his eyes and grunted a "good night."

"I'll do the dishes." I offered.

"You haven't seen the Restoration Zones lately, have you, Dustil?" Carth asked.

"No I haven't." Dustil replied conversationally.

"Do you want to go? I'll take you." Mission offered shyly.

"I'd love to." Dustil smiled. "Is now a good time?"

"It means not having to do the dishes…" Mission began.

"That settles it. Lead on." Dustil turned around as he got to the door. "Don't wait up for me." The door shut and Carth chuckled.

"How old is Mission? 19?" I had a hard time believing that she was so much older. What I had thought of as her youthful charm was turning into her womanly charm.

"Yeah," Carth sighed, grabbing a dishtowel and drying off plates I'd washed. "Dustil's two years older."

"I can't believe I was gone so long." I scrubbed a pot to distract myself from my grief. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For leaving you and being gone this long." The pot was clean, but I kept scrubbing. Carth smiled at me and took the pot.

"You did what you had to do." He said softly, rinsing and drying the pot.

"I didn't want to hurt you," I focused on cleaning more cookware – it required more scrubbing. "And I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Carth took another over-scrubbed pan from me. "You're going to rub holes in these things." He smiled. "Are you okay?"

"I just wish I didn't have to go." I convinced myself that washing less heavily soiled dishes was as therapeutic as scrubbing. "I missed so much."

"Don't worry about it. I forgive you. I'm so glad you're back, I… I won't think about your being gone anymore. There's no sense in it."

"I won't do it again." I offered, handing him a fork.

"I won't let you."

"I decided that I'm done, no matter what." I continued. "Leia even told me to go somewhere without jagged rocks." Carth smiled again. "I'm ready to settle down. I'm domesticated now."

"I liked you wild." His eyes glinted.

"I didn't say I was entirely," I was coy. He leaned in to kiss me. "Get back to work, flyboy." I piled silverware in his side of the sink and quickly washed the last of the plates. I wasn't thinking clearly and stuck my hand in the soapy water, pulling it out quickly. I had a gash on my right palm. It looked like I'd tried to stop a vibroblade attack with my bare hand, which was more or less what happened, except the vibroblade was a steak knife and it wasn't exactly attacking me. The water began to be tinted red. The dish soap stung my cut. I used the Force to heal it quickly. Carth's hand gently covered mine.

"Are you okay?" He asked, watching my skin knit itself back together, leaving a tender pink line. He kissed it gently.

"Ow, that stings." I flinched. "You know, I haven't been this clumsy since I left. I think it's your fault."

"My fault?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You distract me." I smiled. He hadn't let go of my hand. I leaned against him. His other hand pulled the plug on the standing water.

"We've done most of the dishes. The rest can wait." His voice was soothing. "Let me show you to your room."

It was odd how it felt like the first time I'd ever been loved, but I quickly remembered so much. I knew exactly what I was doing. I had the best of both worlds. At last, I'd earned the right to have my cake and eat it too.


	27. Start Over

**27. Start Over**

Just as quickly as we'd all be reunited, everyone began to go separate ways. I could feel it at dinner the next day.

"You don't have to go," I said distractedly to anyone who was listening.

"We kind of gave up on staying together." Mission pushed her vegetables around with her fork. "When you left." _Way to mess up your life, Ciara._

"There's no going back, is there?" I asked hopelessly.

"There's no sense in trying to live in the past, trust me." Jolee smiled good-naturedly. "The Council wants to have a discussion with me. Apparently they think I'd be a good full-time Jedi." He scoffed.

"Sounds thrilling." Carth said disjointedly.

"I've got an entire race to reunite." Canderous declared dutifully. "And a galaxy to scare the pants off."

"I get it," I tried not to sound irritated. "You're all getting on with your lives."

"You did too." Juhani observed.

"Be glad you always sound so kind and observant when you say things like that." I smiled slightly. "Or else I might be upset."

"There's no point in being upset at the truth." Bastila wasn't as good at saying things like that as Juhani was. I didn't respond, but Bastila understood that I was still slightly upset. She smiled apologetically, but wasn't about to retract her statement.

"At least you don't have to stay on Telos." Mission began. I realized that I hadn't known what I had planned on doing. It was my turn to play with my food to avoid eye contact with others.

"I've got some stuff to investigate out around Tatooine." Dustil began. "Places like that make me wish I'd stayed home."

"What wouldn't I do to have a nice long visit on Tatooine." Jolee mused. "I'm so sick of trees…" I began to eat slowly, kicking myself for leaving my friends when it was my only chance to be with them again.

"Hey, Big Z is making Kashyyyk a nice place!" Mission argued.

"Unless he's cutting down those trees, I'll have none of it." Jolee grinned.

"I actually kind of like Kashyyyk," Dustil added, glancing at Mission. "Next time I'm in the area, I'll stop by and say hi to Zaalbar."

"You might want to take me with you." _Clever girl._ I thought, smiling. "Wookiees don't like outsiders, but they know me." Their moments were becoming less and less subtle.

"So, Onasi," Canderous began. Carth, Dustil, and I looked up at him. "Not you, Republic, your son." He corrected, shaking his head at Carth and me.

"Yeah?" Dustil asked casually.

"When's the wedding? Do I get to stand for you as your uncle?" Canderous laughed. Canderous had a way of ruining moments by not ruining them. His bluntness was refreshing. Dustil didn't know how exactly to react. Mission blushed, her cheeks turning slightly violet. I'd always wondered what color she'd turn.

"Right," Carth rolled his eyes. "Crazies aren't usually invited to weddings unless there's good reason." I giggled.

"You invited me!" Canderous countered.

"I had no other choice. You'd get drunk and mope if you weren't there." Carth smiled mischievously. "And there's nothing more pathetic than a moping Mandalorian." I beamed proudly at Carth. "What?" He asked, smiling. "I have to tease someone until you trip again."

Canderous dismissed Carth's attack. "Come on, Republic, you're the one who taught me to get in touch with my weaker feminine side." I stood and activated my short lightsaber, waving it in the air in a small – but careful - flourish. I gave Canderous a look daring him to say women were weak again. "I mean my emotions." He corrected. I smiled, deactivated my lightsaber, and sat down. Bastila smiled at me approvingly.

"This is what I don't want to end." I whispered to Mission, who laughed and nodded.

"You're the crazy one, Republic, keeping the company of that – she just drew a lightsaber on me over dinner!" Canderous pointed at me, trying to keep from insulting me again.

"I'm crazy?" Carth asked, surprised. "You're the one who's notorious for keeping the company of Jedi who are famous for their oddball companions." Carth countered. I remembered Leia's stories about her companions and I had to laugh.

"You're married to one." Canderous retorted.

"You're an oddball married to another." Carth grinned.

"And what's Ciara? Normal?"

"Don't argue, Carth, he's right." I nodded.

"Whose side are you on?" Carth raised his eyebrows in mock alarm.

"Yours, but he has a point." I laughed.

"I wasn't going to argue against it." Carth stated. "So what is it about you, Canderous, that attracts such crazy Jedi and their entourages?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Canderous smiled proudly. "I'm the best looking soldier in this whole damn galaxy. The women can't stay away from me." Mission gagged. I rolled my eyes. Juhani laughed softly, shaking her head. Bastila looked alienated. Carth smiled, having accomplished what he'd wanted.

"He's not that bad!" Bastila argued. Mission and I erupted in fits of laughter. "Stop it! Carth isn't exactly winning any awards for his looks."

"There's nothing wrong with his looks." Dustil countered. I laughed. They looked so much alike. "Why are you laughing? I thought you'd be right behind me!"

"Oh I am." I laughed, "I just think it's funny how stubbornly you defend your genetics."

"They're good genetics." Carth winked at me.

"What do you think, Mission?" Canderous raised his eyebrows.

"Stop picking on the kid, Canderous." Jolee said firmly.

"I'm not a kid," Mission said. "And Carth's a little old for me, but I think he's better looking than Canderous."

"Isn't it Shan's bedtime?" Canderous ventured. "Sorry kids, I'd love to stay and argue, but I've got parental responsibilities." He picked Shan up abruptly. "Let's get to bed, squirt."

"He never could lose well." Carth smiled.

"No one's declared you a winner." Bastila said sternly. She used the stern tone to mask her enjoyment of the conversation. "Good night." She smiled and waved.

"They're like an old couple now." I mused. "They go to bed this early?"

"There's nothing wrong with going to bed early." Jolee stood up from the table. "I've got a long voyage tomorrow. I need my beauty sleep."

"Is everyone leaving tomorrow?" I asked.

"We kind of arranged it that way so we'd all get a chance to say good-bye at the same time." Dustil explained.

"We?" Carth asked. "I thought you did it."

"Mission helped." Dustil smiled faintly. "She's good to have around." He put an arm around her. "We'll do the dishes tonight. Goodnight, Dad, Mom." He shot me a look. I smiled.

"Watch out for steak knives in the sink." I warned, slyly adding, "Children."

"I think that was just you." Carth whispered, his arm sneaking around my waist. I glared at him.

"Get to bed." Mission ordered. "Married people aren't supposed to stay up late like kids." When the bedroom door shut behind us, I turned to Carth, slightly anxious.

"Um, Carth?" I ventured.

"Yes?" His tone disarmed me, but I got nervous again when I looked at him.

"You do know I haven't had my shots in a few years, right?" I blurted. I'd realized too late that maybe I should get ready to have kids.

"It occurred to me." Carth smiled. "What exactly are you asking?"

"I'm just making sure you know in case…" I trailed off. "I mean, are you ready? Am I ready?"

"Well I'm ready unless you think I'm too old." He grinned, putting his arms around me.

"I don't think you're too old! I'm not getting any younger either." I countered. _I should have known he'd make this into an argument_. "I think I'm ready, but –" I remembered holding Shan as a baby and playing with him yesterday. I was so terrified I'd ruin him somehow. "I'm afraid that I'd be a lousy mother." I pressed my face against his chest. He stroked my hair reassuringly. I was surprised he hadn't told me not to fish for compliments. _He knows I'm serious._

"I'm afraid I'll mess up too." Carth confessed. "It's normal. No one's perfect. I'm sure you'll be great."

"In that case," I began. "I shouldn't go get another shot?"

"Are you sure?" He smiled, knowing that I had been trying to pass that statement off as a final decision.

I thought hard about it. "Yes, I'm sure. When am I going to stop catching up to you?"

"You aren't." He assured. "It's just… I've had two days to decide, if that. I wasn't going to think about it while you were gone. It… it hurt too much."

It felt like I'd never been gone. Somehow I was able to pick things up with Carth where I'd left them. It was comforting. I sighed in relief. "In that case…" I said slyly.

"You're as bad as I am." Carth laughed, dipping me so I lay on the bed.

After breakfast the next morning, I managed to pull Mission aside. "You and I need to talk, sister." I smiled.

"Yeah," She pulled me into her room and shut the door. I sat down on her bed.

"So…" I raised my eyebrows, looking at her expectantly while she fidgeted. "You'd better get talking." She sighed.

"Nothing really happened while you were gone. He was never really around. I went to a training academy for a while to help me get a job with Intelligence. There were a couple guys I liked there, but they ended up being schuttas. They led me on or just wanted action, since I'm a Twi'lek and all, I guess I'm supposed to be like the dancers they see in the holovids." She wrinkled her nose. "Anyway, so Carth told me Dustil was coming to visit – he's been like my dad, you know – and I got all dressed up."

"You looked good." I stated, remembering how shocked I'd been. "For a moment there I thought Carth had really fallen for a younger woman. I was a little worried."

"He was too busy moping over you to notice anyone." She smiled. "Anyway, I wasn't counting on him looking good. He's only two years older than me, you know? But he looks a lot like Carth, which is kind of creepy. So he started flirting with me or something, I never can tell. When we went down to the surface the other day, he was being all sweet and telling me how good I looked. I couldn't really believe it. I mean, I've liked him for years, and he was telling me this stuff I'd only dreamt about." _Oh boy did I know that feeling. I had wanted to kiss Carth when he said he thought he loved me. I'd relived that moment a hundred times, mostly with him replacing the ambiguous speculation with an outright declaration after I planted a kiss on him. _Mission continued, "And he took me down by this river and we walked along it, just like in the holovids. I was almost afraid he'd profess his love for me or something. I told him that I was glad he came to visit and actually hung out with me. Before he just kind of put up with having me there, but this time was different. Then I just started blubbering about how I liked him for so long. Half the time I was wishing I never opened my mouth. He just stood there for a second. It was so awkward." She stopped.

"And? You can't just leave me hanging." I insisted impatiently.

"Well he just kind of kissed me."

"Kind of?" I demanded.

"Okay, he really kissed me. We were out there for a while after that." She looked at her feet. "We didn't go that far, but…" She blushed.

"But you made out like there was no tomorrow?" I prodded.

"Well he's leaving and all," Mission said defensively. "So I don't know. I don't want him to leave. He's giving me a ride to Coruscant. He said he wants me to come along with him sometimes, but I don't know. You know how guys are. I don't want him to be like the rest of them. What should I do?" Mission sighed again. She was speaking quickly like any other girl would in her situation.

"It's hard to say." I bit my lip in thought. "Just keep in touch, I guess, and be patient. If he's anything like his father, he's going to stew about it for awhile."

"He's got a lot fewer issues than Carth." Mission smiled. "I don't know. Am I too young to be in love?"

"I don't know of any age limit," I assured. Someone pounded at the door.

"Break it up, ladies! Tea time's over!" Jolee called.

"But we were just getting out the biscuits!" I protested mockingly. The door opened. "Thanks for getting me caught up." I whispered to Mission. "Let me know how it goes."

"You'll be the first to know." She hugged me. "I was dying to talk to you about the other guys while you were gone."

"I wished I could have talked to you about them too. But now, you've got nothing to worry about: I'm married to a man with a transmitter in his bedroom. If he hadn't retired, I think they'd chain one around his ankle soon." I joked. "And I don't think he'll let me out of his sight for a while, so you'll be able to get a hold of me no matter what." We went back out to the kitchen where the stragglers were finishing breakfast. Dustil's face brightened at seeing Mission. I hoped things would work out. Carth walked up to me.

"You were up bright and early." He teased.

"Your snoring woke me up." I countered, putting an arm around him. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. It was not as odd to display affection in front of the crew as it had been.

"Well, it's about time to go." Juhani said quietly. "We shall have to do this again soon."

"Maybe you can invite your crazy Jedi friend?" Canderous asked me, as though he were looking for a chance to win the previous night's argument.

"Would she really be my friend if she weren't crazy?" I smiled.

"We could have a dinner party with all her wacky friends." Carth suggested, joking.

"Ready to go home, Shan?" Bastila asked. Shan looked at us. He was sad to go, but nodded dutifully.

"Ready to be Mandalore, Mandalore?" I quipped. Canderous rolled his eyes. We all shuffled out into the corridor to the shuttle that would take us to the docking bay.

Everyone stood in the waiting room for the shuttles. The mix of excitement at beginning new lives and sorrow at leaving others behind was awkward. The number for the ship to Coruscant, saying it was boarding. Dustil, Jolee, Juhani, and Mission stood up and began saying goodbyes. The Ordos' ship was boarding as well.

"Good luck," I said to Mission, who was going with Dustil to Coruscant for her interview with Republic Intelligence. "Let me know how it goes."

"I already told you I'll tell you everything." She smiled sadly. I hugged her and felt myself getting teary-eyed.

"Don't cry, Ciara." Juhani urged. "Tears aren't becoming on such a powerful Jedi." I smiled and hugged her.

"That's the first time I wasn't referred to as some kind of Sith Lord." I mused, letting Juhani go.

"Get used to it." Bastila grinned. "Come on, Mandalore, let's get moving." She winked at me.

"Good luck, Juhani." I said and turned to Jolee.

"She'll be fine." Jolee interjected. "I'm the one that needs luck."

"There's plenty to go around." I hugged him quickly. "Stay safe."

"Eh, I'll try." Jolee smiled and took his bags. "Keep the hanky, kid. You need it more than I do."

"Bastila!" I called, realizing she was about to get away. "I have a question."

"What's that?" She asked, hugging me quickly.

"What am I supposed to call you, Lady Mandalore? Mrs. Mandalore?" I wondered.

"He's Mr. Bastila." Carth corrected me loudly. "She's got him by the balls."

"Heh," Canderous scoffed. "You should talk. Don't let things fall apart without me." He patted the top of my head, reminding me of my height as a declaration of his winning the argument. "Take care, kid." He waved quickly as he walked toward the shuttle. Bastila and Shan waved for a bit longer before disappearing into the crowd. I heaved a sigh and hugged Dustil.

"Be safe out there. If anything happens to Mission, you're dead." I said flatly. Dustil laughed nervously. I smiled, letting him know I was only half joking. "Sorry, Canderous' manner is contagious after a while."

"We'd better get going." He said to Mission. "See you later, Dad." He hugged Carth.

"Not too much later." Carth replied. "Safe trip." We watched them walk toward the shuttle bay, just behind Jolee and Juhani.

"So." I said, if only to break the silence. "Now what?"

"Good question." Carth sighed. "Usually I have Mission around to keep me entertained. Now I've got you to watch out for."

"You know, I should go to a clinic and get a check up." I let the idea come from out of the blue and into the conversation. Carth shook his head slightly at the randomness of the topic. "Do you need anything?" I asked before I proposed that we should have a me-centric day.

"I just need to check my messages. I probably have a lot concerning my resignation." He shrugged and began to walk out of the bay. "Let's go make sure you're healthy."

"Do you want to live here?" I mused.

"Not really."

"Where then?"

"I don't know." He said somewhat quickly. "I never really thought about it."

"Me either." I sighed. "I was hoping you'd think of something." I cringed, expecting something about my being gone.

"Well I don't want to live in a space station. An actual planet might be nice." Carth smiled. "I've only really lived on Telos, and I don't know if I'd really want to do that again." He pursed his lips. "Maybe I'll check into that surface settlement. If that's livable, I'll think about it."

"Which means no?" I smiled.

"No," Carth began. "Well, I don't know."

"Let's just find a place without jagged rocks." I suggested.


	28. Deliverance

**28. Deliverance**

"A sister!" Dustil exclaimed, rushing into the room. "May I see her?" For a young man, he could still act like a kid. I nodded, holding my new daughter, Julianne, in my arms. Dustil spoke to her in incomprehensible baby talk. I smiled, utterly exhausted from labor. I wanted nothing more than to sleep. Julianne's screaming wasn't getting any less insistent.

"All right, folks, I bet she's hungry. Show's over." I ordered weakly. Dustil and the others present at the birth filed out of the room. While Julianne fed, Carth contacted his parents on the comlink. He was giddy with excitement.

"My parents are almost here." Carth put an arm around me. "How are you feeling, gorgeous?"

"Not gorgeous." I smiled. "Mostly tired, and I'm about 95 percent sure I look like hell." He kissed me gently.

"Do you need anything?" He asked anxiously.

"A nap." I sighed. Carth took Julianne from me, burped her, and put her in her crib. He sat next to me and held me for a little while. "The hug helps too." I said into his shoulder. I put my arms around him, trying weakly to hug him back.

"I'll send Dustil to go pick up my parents." He stroked my hair, as he was fond of doing. "I'm not leaving your side until you say I can."

"Stubborn as usual." I remarked.

"I'm glad to see you're still yourself." He replied.

"I love you," I wanted to hug him tighter, but I was weak and sore in weird places.

"I love you too." He kissed the top of my head, then my cheek, then my lips. I was in no state to be smitten. I thought I'd fall over.

"Stop it." I giggled. "You'll make me faint."

"That's one of the side effects." He winked and walked to the door. "Dustil? Would you get my parents from the spaceport? They don't know Iziz very well." He asked.

"I think I can say hi to people now." I said softly. I was glad Carth heard me; I didn't feel like yelling. Carth relayed the message to the front room. He sat next to me again. His support was really helping me.

"This is the most subdued I've ever seen you, Mrs. Republic." Canderous grinned.

"Go get eaten by a bantha, nerf-herder." Damn, I was still making up insults like I had been since I felt the first contraction. Canderous laughed.

"You weren't kidding about her exclamations, were you?" He asked Carth.

"Do you really think I could make that kind of stuff up?" Carth smiled and the arm that was around me tightened its grip into a half-hug.

"May I see the little one?" Jolee asked. I nodded. Julianne's crib was close by so I could still see her. "I think she has your nose, Carth." He smiled. His smile wrinkles had been deepening since I'd met him. "I'm sure the Council will have a heyday with this."

"Can we leave them out of this, just today?" I sighed good-naturedly. I knew Jolee was only kidding.

"Is she going to be a Jedi?" Bastila asked, gazing at Julianne.

"You'll have to ask her that." I replied. "And she can't exactly vocalize her opinions comprehensibly yet." Carth laughed.

"She's my sister too, you know!" Mission told Dustil defiantly. She gazed at Julianne. "No, she definitely has Ciara's nose." Julianne started wailing.

"Well, it's obvious that she's got my mouth." I grinned, holding my arms out to take my daughter. Carth lifted her out of her crib. He held her as if to burp her for a moment, but kissed her head instead, rocking her a bit and whispering to her. It was the single cutest thing I'd ever seen. By now, I'd given up on trying not to be sentimental.

"It's time to go." Dustil said quietly. "Are you coming or not?"

"I want to stay here." Mission replied, her eyes never leaving Carth. Julianne calmed a bit.

"She's a strong child." Juhani's voice was soft. "I had forgotten what the Force of such a young child feels like, but she… is different. She is very strong; it's a wonder to behold." I beamed. Carth smiled in the middle of handing Julianne to me.

"Feeling any swirling destinies around her?" I asked Jolee.

"Not yet." He winked. I held her up the way Carth had. Her skin was soft and had a distinctive scent. I kissed her head gently. I could feel the Force within her very strongly, but I didn't want to think about start training her now. It wasn't the time, if there was any time for it.

"Look at how small her hands are!" I marveled, offering her my pinky. "She's so tiny."

I had taken my entire life and stood it on its ear. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be.

_I'd never felt cold until I'd first walked on Malachor V. I couldn't remember much from it, only flashes and the feeling of freezing. I couldn't sleep the night after I'd first seen that planet, or the night after that. Malak had to give me sleeping pills so I wouldn't go completely crazy. _

I sat in a warm bath, allowing my muscles to loosen and relax. I could nearly feel my muscles untying themselves as I lay there. _Tomorrow I turn 38._ I shuddered. I'd known Carth for nine years. It didn't seem like that long. _Poor kid's almost fifty._ I mused. I watched my feet turn pink slowly. I was at the height of relaxation when the door opened.

"MOM!" Julianne's voice cried. "I've been calling you for the past FIVE MINUTES!"

"I'm in the bath," I replied. "What is it?"

"You have a visitor." She said. "She says she's your friend, but I wanted to make sure. You'd better see." Carth's paranoia was either beginning to rub off on her or hereditary. I stood up and toweled myself off quickly, throwing on the set of clean clothes I'd laid out for myself.

"Did you let her in?" I asked, looking down at Julianne, whose hands were on her hips, making up for what she lacked in age with attitude.

"No," Julianne replied like I'd just asked her if she had the plague.

"Okay," I smiled and tousled her hair. "Good work; you never know who might be coming."

"Exactly!" She exclaimed joyfully and followed me to the door. I opened it.

"Remember me, Revan?" A woman in her late twenties asked. Her brown eyes looked tired, but still sparkled.

"Of course, Leia, come in!" I stepped aside. "You've met my daughter, Julianne?"

"She's a smart cookie." Leia winked at me as we all sat around the small dining table.

"How do you know each other?" Julianne asked.

"We're both Jedi." Leia began.

"But there's lots of Jedis." Julianne tilted her head. As frustrating as it could be, I loved how inquisitive she was. At least she was out of the "why" stage she'd been in when she was three.

"Leia and I both fought Sith in the Outer Rim." I explained, "which is really far away and not that interesting." I added, trying to skip the next question.

"Can I see it?"

"Maybe later, when it's safe." I smiled. "We had to go there and make sure the Sith wouldn't attack us so we'd all be safe."

"The Sith are the bad guys." Julianne said seriously. "You fought them?" Her eyes widened.

"I didn't want them to hurt your dad." I said quietly. "If they hurt him, I would have been very sad."

"If they hurt him, I'd fight them!" Julianne declared. "I'd save Dad!" The sight of Admiral Carth Onasi, decorated Republic war hero, being held captive by Sith only to be rescued by his five-year-old daughter made me grin.

"I know you would." I turned my smile to her. "But you'd have to let me help."

"Maybe a little." She smiled. She'd already caught on to the teasing exchanges and was participating. "So you fought the bad guys too? Did they hurt someone you love?" She asked Leia.

"They try to hurt lots of people." Leia replied calmly. "But, like your mom, I was afraid they'd hurt my friends. I had to make sure they wouldn't."

"Why are they bad?" Julianne asked me.

"They only want to be the best." I said, after a moment of considering how to explain the Sith to my daughter without withholding too much information. Ignorance could lead to the dark side. "If someone else is the best, they kill that person. They make people do things they don't want to do. They don't let people decide on their own."

"So if I beat one of them at Pazaak, they'd kill me?" She asked, incredulous.

"It's usually not Pazaak," I corrected, "but you have the right idea." She was speechless, trying to process what the Sith did. I wanted her to understand. I'd simplify things so she could get it, but I wasn't going to leave it at, "the Sith are bad." My daughter deserved an explanation. "Do you understand why I think the Sith are bad?" I asked. She nodded wordlessly.

"I wanted to let you know I made it home safely." Leia turned to me. None of us wanted to talk about Sith any more. "I heard you were here, and if you don't mind, I'll hang around until my pilot picks me up." She smiled.

"The good-looking one who smiles for pictures?" I asked.

"Isn't Daddy good-looking?" Julianne inquired. She was great at picking up tiny details in conversations.

"Of course he is. But other people can be good-looking too. Daddy calls both of us beautiful." I explained smiling. Julianne nodded. I looked at Leia, who had an admirable aura of patience around her.

"So he isn't the handsomest pilot in the galaxy?" Julianne asked.

"I never said that." I argued. "I think he is, but my friend doesn't think so."

"I thought you might want to meet him." Leia looked up mischievously. "There was something he told me – he used to be a Sith, used to torture Jedi." I furrowed my brow, trying to understand.

"But he's not anymore." I ventured.

"He wasn't the last time I saw him." She looked nervous. "I haven't seen him since the last time I saw you."

"How can you 'used to be Sith'?" Julianne asked. It was the question I'd been dreading for my entire life.

"Sometimes people make mistakes," I began. "They do very bad things. But if they're really sorry and they show it, I think they deserve another chance. Everyone makes mistakes."

"Not you!" Julianne smiled. I shook my head and her grin fell. I opened my mouth to explain when Carth entered the room, and Julianne ran up to him. He lifted her up. "Hey squirt." He smiled at her, then turned to me, somehow balancing a five-year-old on his hip and having a decently serious conversation simultaneously. "Do you know an Atton Rand?" He asked. I smiled in greeting and opened my mouth to say something, but I was interrupted.

"Good to see you again, Admiral." Leia stood up and saluted out of habit. "Atton's here for me. I stopped by to visit – your wife." She didn't want to call me Revan, and I was glad. I'd narrowly escaped telling Julianne everything, and I wanted to have time to find the words. Having Carth here while I explained would also help.

"I didn't let him in, but I will now." Carth nodded at her.

"You're not supposed to let strangers in." Julianne told him.

"She's a talkative little girl," Leia remarked to me.

"She gets it from her mother," Carth winked. "I can't hold you any more. Do you want to help me make sure this guy checks out?"

"Yeah!" Carth put her on the ground and she followed him as she had followed me minutes ago. Leia smoothed her hair nervously. I laughed quietly.

"You'll be fine." I winked.

"So have you decided what you're doing yet?" A man's voice demanded impatiently.

"Not so fast, mister." Julianne piped up, stepping to block his way, her hands on her hips again. I smiled.

"That's my girl." I said under my breath.

"I had to make sure you were in the right place. I have to make sure my wife isn't bringing home young Padawans for fun." Carth said, neither friendly nor hostile.

"Look, I'm just doing what I was told." Atton sounded frustrated. I wondered what he was thinking, but I couldn't tell.

"Are you my mom's friend?" Julianne asked.

"It depends on who your mom is." Atton took on slightly more patience with the girl.

"I believe you know Leia Omas?" Carth asked. Atton hesitated.

"She's here?" He asked, looking past Carth. "Leia! I thought I'd never see you again!" He ran to her, pushing past Julianne and they embraced.

"You didn't tell me he was her boyfriend." Julianne said, disgusted. She wrinkled her nose. "I wouldn't have let him in." I laughed, and stood up to hug Carth in a delayed greeting.

"I went looking for you." Atton explained quietly.

"You shouldn't have." Leia replied. "But it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"I thought you were going to have me chat with that Mandalorian idiot." I laughed heartily. "What's so funny?" Atton turned to me.

"That's Canderous to a T." I remarked. Atton nodded suspiciously.

"This whole situation is kind of creepy." He said slowly.

"It's the Force, Atton." Leia rolled her eyes. "Ciara – Revan – and I had quite a few of the same acquaintances."

"Wait just a second – " Atton began. "You're Revan?"

"You were expecting someone taller?" I grinned. Carth laughed.

"Get all visions of a graceful Revan out of your head now." Carth added. "Or else you'll be disappointed quickly."

"It doesn't add up." Atton thought hard. "I mean – you can't be. I saw Revan a couple times. She was different."

"She was." I nodded. "But she and I are the same. I've changed a lot."

"You had a kid!" Atton blurted, looking at Julianne. There was just enough resemblance.

"Great observation." Carth muttered. I hit his arm lightly.

"Look, I came to terms with everything and did all I could to set it right. You've rectified your past, haven't you?" I raised an eyebrow. Atton's face drained. "Don't be afraid, I'm not going to judge you. I'm human, just like you. We had crazy youths with crazy ideas. Sure, it took a mind-wipe for me to outgrow mine, but I'm notoriously stubborn. You don't reek of evil now, so I know you've been redeemed."

"Damn Jedi," Atton murmured.

"You haven't been training, have you?" Leia asked, concerned.

"I haven't had a Master." Atton tried.

"We'll fix that." Leia promised. "Thanks for entertaining me." She smiled.

"Are you going?" Julianne asked. "It was just getting interesting."

"I'm sure we'll be around." Atton remarked, to my surprise. "Sorry I kind of – blew up." _Leia must have a lot of influence on him._

I laughed. "If I weren't used to it by now, there'd be major problems."

"Safe journey." Carth waved.

"Maybe Canderous will get his dinner party after all." I remarked.

"Is Dustil coming over?" Julianne asked. "I want to play."

"Bored already?" Carth winked.

"Well you were talking about sad things and grown-up things." Julianne explained.

"Boring stuff." Carth sympathized.

"Did that man used to be a bad guy?" Julianne asked.

"A long time ago," I replied. "He's changed. He's not bad any more."

"I could tell." She said meekly. "I felt it, that he was bad and that he was sorry about it. He liked that lady a lot too."

I shouldn't have been surprised that my daughter was so Force sensitive. "Do you feel this with others too?" I inquired.

"I feel it with you, Mommy." She stuck out her bottom lip pensively.

I took a deep breath. "It's about time I told you."

"Ciara, she's not ready." Carth said.

"She felt it." I explained and took a deep breath. "I made big mistakes, Jules." I confessed. "Big, big mistakes. Mistakes so big it hurt everyone in the galaxy." Her dark brown eyes grew wide. I hoped she didn't think I was some kind of monster. I closed my eyes quickly, took another deep breath, and continued. "But I fixed my mess. Your dad helped me. We destroyed a big space station that I used to hurt innocent people. But I still felt bad, so I went and fought Sith to make sure the galaxy was safe for my friends and your dad. I fought hard for four years, then that lady found me and told me to go home."

"You're not bad, then?" Julianne asked, still in awe.

"I hope not." I reached for her hand. "I've tried so hard to be good ever since I realized I had messed up." She walked up to me and put her arms out to hug me. I crouched down, holding her tightly. I longed to weep. I stroked her long brown hair.

"It's okay, Mommy. I know you're good now." Her voice was small, but resolute. "I can feel it." I had waited nearly ten years to believe those words.

"Thank you," I whispered, feeling the weight of all that guilt fly from my shoulders. The sign I'd been waiting for had come. I had been redeemed at last.

* * *

a n: And there you have it. Thanks so much for the (too kind) encouragement. 


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